Shopping list

I don't feel I'm Undateable by any means. I'm funny, not horrid looking, can cook, have a sense of style, funny, and am a good listener. I do realize that I am unprepared for a relationship at this point. I am over committed to things in my life to parcel time out. Zoe sets my schedule for me and I am left trying to fit in everything else around her ever changing schedule. Honestly last minute things are us usually missed because of being over booked. The free time I find is after she's put to bed. When she's at school Im at work. When she's out I'm with her not codependently mind you but out of respect for those who help me out so much. They cover the gaps and I don't want to take advantage of them.

In one of my favorite movies that set my adult life on course was "Singles", in it Janet Livermoore has a secret list of qualities she is looking for in a man. By the time she finds true love its whittled down to someone who says bless you when she sneezes. Cliff is so not a match in a lot of areas but is just right enough to get his foot in the door. My list isn't that whittled down yet but a lot of the stupid fluff stuff has fallen off of it.

In no certain order:
* Must have a life guided by a spiritual higher power. Something other than self will or logic which have both failed me in the past. Doesn't necessarily have to be in a Judeo Christian construct. Id rather be with a hardcore pagan than a limp wristed Christian.

*Must be fully in or fully out of recovery. recovery is a huge part of my life so I cant be with anyone who isn't fully engaged into their own recovery if they have a issue. Just as much I'm open to a normie they don't have to be twisted for me to date. They soon will be mind you just by osmosis.

* Literate! Reading books is a huge turn on because a sharp mind is definitely needed to keep up with me.

*A college degree isn't necessary I mean I don't have one but I would like a well educated by her own means woman. I like to debate ideas and philosophy so brains or a developed thought process would be nice.

* Fully self supportive is a huge plus. Her own job, lottery winnings, family trust, accident judgment, oil money, adult web show proceeds, I'm not picky really. I have learned the hard way that I have to work in life to pay bills and money is a touchy subject with me because of it. When I was single it wasn't a huge deal for me to not have electricity because candlelight is sexier anyway but now as a single parent it is paramount. Right now I barely keep us above water so anyone in my life has to pull their own weight. I'm ok with God keeping me struggling but everyone does their best to row the boat.

*Just like Pinocchio, no strings attached. I want it to be just us two in the relationship and no one else pulling strings to get her to dance. So their own car, so its not like high school being fun fun fun till daddy takes the Tbird away. Their own residence again for the shear purpose of being free to live under their own rules. This doesn't include kids or pets though. I get having responsibilities and fully support the rule of "while your living under my roof, you'll do as I say". If I wanted to date girls who lived with their parents driving their parents cars spending their parents money Id just date high school girls.

* Her own activities and or friends. And they cant be with her family as a caveat. I have tons of friends that I want to include her in at times but when I want them they are mine. I need time together and time apart from her. I get most of my energy from being around small groups of people or activities so I'm most of the time active when I can be. But I cant stand being around the same people a lot so I do a lot of people for a little time. Sounds rude I know but its true. I love hanging out with friends for a night but the same friends for two nights gets sketchy. So she cant be with me at all times. She needs to have outside stimulus to bring to the table. Her own job, her own, friends, her own pottery class, her own meth lab stories to tell at the dinner table. Have a best friend but more than just the one. If they got hit by a meteor who else would they have in their life. And not in their family. I applause strong family ties but you will fight talk smack, about your family. Ill take that personal and remember so while your over it I wont be. So spread the love over the entire toast not just one glob.

* Be fluent in sarcasm. English is my second langue smack talk my first. So thick skin, a sense of humor, and most importantly when I'm hiding pain behind laughter can discern the truth.

* Must do dishes. One of us has to be willing to do dishes on a consistent basis for the semblance of normalcy. Its not going to be me. As long as its just Zoe and I a sink full of dishes is somehow mentally ok. In a relationship where consistent interaction will happen its not ok. I will cook no issue every night.

 

* Except for mental illness, no long term health concerns that affect daily living. I just cant do the whole my life revolves around my ailments again. If your back hurts when it rains that's cool. If we have to go through a 38 point checklist before we go to dinner so it will stay down uncool. I know everyone is getting older I certainly am but right now in my life I'm ok physically and not limited. Maybe it is selfish but I'm not willing to take on the weight of a caretaker of another besides Zoe.

* Must be able to tell me how and when either the music of Blue October or Linkin Park saved their lives. As my two favorite bands we will listen to them a lot so a all ready cultured opinion of them is highly sought after. I will accept other less awesome bands based on her level of passion though.

I'm not ready to get married, move in, or even change my facebook status to anyone now. I still deal with grief over the lose of Peggy on a regular basis. I however can see a day where it would be healthy to start dating regularly again. I don't think God wants me to be alone forever for the rest of my life.

I want to go out like Dr. Herman Menville in Death becomes Her. That at a point in my life I left the hate behind and started to live my life amazingly as God intended. To tell true story's of horrendous things in my life so incredible that people cant believe them.

Does the manna come in cool ranch or spicy buffalo?

“If you live in the dark a long time and the sun comes out, you do not cross into it whistling. There's an initial uprush of relief at first, then-for me, anyway- a profound dislocation. My old assumptions about how the world works are buried, yet my new ones aren't yet operational.There's been a death of sorts, but without a few days in hell, no resurrection is possible.” Mary Karr

How thankful that God hears my prayers and speaks back what I need to hear. Also that since as a cosmic being his voice would melt my entire being that he uses others to pass it along. How often that I have ignored him just because he wasn't responding to me in a manner I was looking for. I wonder what else I missed while looking at to the sky instead of the posted warning signs on the road.

When the Hebrews were released from the really self imposed bondage of Egypt they were blessed not only with their freedom but were front seat witness to some pretty awesome and horrific displays of Gods power in the form of miracles. He had hardened pharaoh's heart so he wasn't doing the show to change pharaohs mind to Moses. He was doing it to show the Hebrews and the Egyptians. I take a lot of comfort in that when trying to make sense of my past. Things happened for a reason. At times I was under the whip of others and needed saving to show God mercy. At others time I held the whip so one day I could show others Gods grace by his love for me even then.   

So they hit the road and once they get past the Red Sea and the building starts to fade away Is where it starts become real. While it sucked, slavery was the normal way of life for generations and this wasn't normal yet. It was just as hot just as dirty as back home but just different in every other way! Gruel was wretched but served on time. It was dark as heck to get up to go piss in the desert in the city there were at least torches and latrines. It blew to haul heavy stones on their backs but there was a taskmaster with a physical blueprint showing what the outcome would look like. Now they were just walking following someone that had no map just following the voice of God.

That's where I found myself lately. Happy to be out of the bondage of my past but just freaking trudging the road to happy destiny. Walking in a unfamiliar territory of freedom following what I hope is the voice of God and not a tumor pressing down in just the right spot to make me hallucinate.  

I never felt comfortable in my own skin back in Egypt but I was comfortable in my surroundings no matter how dysfunctional they were. Now I'm a stranger in a strange land having to learn a whole new set of rules of living in a constantly changing landscape. I would be cool if God would say like airplane stewardess " this trip will take 40 years so enjoy the in flight movie." Instead of a voice calling me to a new land.

Everyone asks me what can they do for me to my reply is nothing I'm good. This is true in the respect that God has taken care of my daily bread type needs. False in the respect that what I need most is just encouragement to take the next step. To be reminded where I'm going when I can only remember where I have been. To let me know I'm just in the middle of a great and epic journey. That some battle will be lost but the war is won. When I'm in a dark place and my single candle flickers against the darkness bring your flame near until our combined light displaces the darkness. Hold my hands to just let me now that your nearer to me than far. If I get lost in the dark before the dawn send up a signal flare to guide me where you are. If I get lost in the forest show me the trees.

Pins and Needles

Its going to be triple digit heat this afternoon but some how I find myself in a season of spring. I know I was in winter but didn't see the transition fully till I found myself in the middle of it. Maybe its from living in West Texas for so long that I have lost all sense of what passes for regular seasons any more. The motif of seasons is one of the few ways of making sense of my life. The only other I have found helpful in plotting where I am in the story of my life is The Hero Cycle by Joseph Campbell.

But the seasons is my go to when I ask where the hell am I. Probably because I have always judge my insides by the outsides of others. My secret hope is that it is actually a primal long to return to the plan. We were made from the dust of the Earth who was already here before us so if it work for the land maybe it could work for me. Hard to argue with millions of years of nature going through natural disasters and still standing. Eldridge says that "where man fails to convey all God has to say, He still has nature speaking for him."

I feel a lot of things right now and I hate it. Its like when your falls asleep and you get up to move after a good movie. It just hurts so bad to have blood flow rushing in and nerve endings coming back to life. Spring is a season of new beginnings. Winter is easy in a lot of ways because your just keeping alive off of last years bounty. Its about conservation of energy in a harsh environment. Spring is when the death frost starts to melt away and life begins to return but it is the most time consuming season as well. Its long days of hard work not only assessing how much damage was done over the winter but to get the jump on the work needing to be done to grow crops. Its rough work to dig into the sleeping resisting to awaken ground to make rows. Its easier in fall to harvest than to plant in spring. Both are back breaking labor but in fall you have your fruit of your labors in your hands. In spring you got nothing to show yourself but seeds and hopes. You do all the labor and there's more than a good chance  that you will harvest nothing.

I don't know if it was manifest destiny that drove the western expansion of America or just the resentment of their damned neighbors. Inspired or deranged all the people of God  look about the same a lot of the time. Who in their right mind would take to the wilderness and has the balls to dream of what could be? I used to think my grandparents super rich because they had so much stuff. Anything my grandfather needed he would go and have it most of the time already. Truth is a secret I am just now finding out is if you stay in the same place you accumulate stuff. When your always on the move you just cant haul all that crap around!

I had the same job for three years and in the last five months I've had three different jobs. Its not huge but it effects you. Seasons change and I struggle as hard as I can but they just keep changing. Zoe is growing at this incredible rate just yesterday she was so much a sweet toddler now she's like a Taliban terrorist some days. Parts of me deep parts of me are finally cracking in the sunlight of the spirit for growth to take place. Just as I learn to be ok with being bare branches these damnable leaves come in messing it up. I love how Anne Rice talks about how she used vampires as a motif of her frozen rage against God because they never changed. Yesterday and right now is filled with good and bad. Trouble comes when I try to hold onto yesterdays bad because it never gets to cycle into good. Worse trouble comes when I hold onto yesterdays good and it sours into bad.

Yesterday my past was thrown in my face pretty hard. Mistakes from ten years ago trying to define my today. It nearly crippled me in a lot of ways because I'm still that guy. I'm still selfish, condescending, know it all, self reliant, unrealistic expectation, lying,  loud mouth, demanding, lazy, depressed, pessimistic, add what ever other short comings you like. I can see him in the mirror and recognize his actions. But what a blessing! I don't see that old man as much as I did ten years ago. Much less in the last eight. Way less in the last five. In the last two years he's popped up but more on a guest star appearance than a starring role I build my show around.  I asked God to remove my shortcomings with a honest earnest heart but he hasn't yet. So when I read about the thorn in Paul's side and his lust for serving God but bewilderment why he deals with his shortcoming I get his frustration. I probably do have the power to say exorcise a demon  but cant restructure my thought processes to beat the hell out of person who just cut me off in traffic.

What I despise about being in a season of spring is how much more I need God. How did I barely get through last winter? God sustained me. How did I know with last falls harvest? God told me. How did last Summers crops grow so big? Gods love and strength. How did I know what to plant last spring? God told me. Sounds stupid but he wont be happy until he has all of me. All it is the same trap they used on the sharecroppers. He's basically making me a slave by virtue not by debt but grace. He keeps on adding acres onto my farm so I got to go to him for more of the same that got me through yesterday for 1% more for tomorrow.

Man I cant wait for summer so I can sit on my butt and just watch stuff grow.

Where for out thou brother?

Yesterday was the second anniversary of Peggy's suicide. last year it was about missing her this year was different because it had little to do with her death as much as it was more about the events after. When such devastation happens like 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, West gas plant, Super storm Sandy, Oklahoma tornadoes, or Peggy's death I have seen the best of humanity rush in to help. Money, resources, most importantly time with the victims in abundance. Cash is sent in till coffers over flow.

I am as grateful as I know how to be for all that was done for us when we couldn't do anything for ourselves. Lost in grief, confusion, sadness, and anger I wasn't able to shower much less feed Zoe. people were there constantly or a phone call away. What yesterday was for me was the realization that how much I still need people and the hurt that they weren't there anymore. It is that realization that all that they felt was a mix of emotions and emotional frothy summer camp love.

There is a scene in a classic movie "The Breakfast Club" where people from across the social spectrum really bond through suffering under a common enemy one isolated afternoon. They then ask the question how will we act tomorrow? The movie ends without showing how they do. The hope is this event allows them to break down enough of themselves that they remain true friends. The film end with Don't Forget About Me by Simple Minds.

That's always been my secret prayer, don't forget about me. That I matter to you in some form or shape. That someone in the universe would miss me if I was gone. Well besides ex wives needing child support or bill collectors at least. In my role in my family unit as a child I would classify myself as the forgotten child because I did my best to stay out of sight out of mind out of trouble. I escaped into a fantasy world of books, games, movies, and television. I desperately wanted to be found but when no one came looking I fled deeper into my make believe world. To be honest I don't know if people did look for me because I was so far down the rabbit hole who could really. That's the problem with self defense mechanisms, they work. The walls we put up for protection get to big and turn to prison walls.

Yesterday hurt a lot because it brings me back to that day. I can forgive or at least understand why Peggy died. What confuses me is where were all those people that were there on my worst day ever? I want to respond in gratitude for their love, kindness, and generosity but most of them aren't around anymore. Most just slipped away by being ordinarily busy. Texts don't come, phone calls, aren't returned, get together's have stopped. To get anyone of them to sit down for a cup of coffee would take another death or congressional dictate.

What was so hard to leave drinking and drugs was the fake sense of fellowship. That us vs. them attitude everyone has that they accept you in a instant. Thick as thieves is the saying funny how thick as a prayer circle never really took off. I watch Sons of Anarchy and know that isn't true brotherhood but know its damn better than what I have now. I have such a deep seeded need for community placed in my heart but none of the skills needed to make it blossom. I have worn this fake mask of the Joker while dying inside for far to many years. I finally find the courage to let the sunlight of the spirit on my face and find all that I have been missing.

I do not mean to sound like I am ungrateful or anyway disrespecting any of the people in my  life that have stood by me no matter how much I pushed. Its everyone that came out of the woodwork that slunk back into it. I don't need a ton of people in my life so I was cool with people being outside the circle. But if you get in the circle then your in even if you pull horrendous crap we get over it. My heart is really bitter about the people who got close to me in my most vulnerable time to just abandon me so casually. I would rather get into a drag out bare knuckle bar fight with a person to mutually say screw you and walk off. This silent fade kills me. If you will always be there for me, where the heck are you? I don't expect sexual relationships to be anything but crap its the strictly platonic or same sex friendships that blow me away.

As a act of gratitude to combat grief I finally did the thank you cards for the funeral. I had made lists when it all went down for purely socially convictional reasons. But I really wanted to express my thanks now. It was so hard to write, or rather print because my handwriting is atrocious, thank you and not add on where the hell have you been?

My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark’d to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “These wounds I had on Crispian’s day.”
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.
- Shakespeare, Henry V

 Am I the only one who has scars, is that it? It sure feels like I have been through many a battle with a hell of a cast of characters.

There is a line in the big book talking about the long road of recovery before the alcoholic. paraphrased the farmer throws open the cellar door looks at the family farm completely destroyed and all he has to say is that he's happy the storm has past. Yes its good to be grateful to be alive but geez there is a crap ton of work rebuilding to be done to form any semblance of a real life again. So I think about residents of down town New York who got a check but really needed help cleaning up the debris so there kids could play on the sidewalk. Elderly people in New Orleans who might of got a new house built but have to stay indoors because all their neighbors moved away. The people of Jersey Shore who don't have relatives come visit because the pier is gone and what is there to do there now. I will always be grateful for moms AA friends for how they came in when dad died for sure for the funeral but how they have since never really left her side supporting her. 

I really think Peggy's death was a spur of the moment bad choice. That everything just got to much and just needed to be released. I sure wish she had some people in her life that she could of called more so I wish she had friends that called her even more I wish to hell she had friends that wouldn't buy her crap over the phone and sat face to face with her. The thing I heard most from her absentee friends was if I would of known she was in trouble. The second is if you need any help with Zoe just call.

I weep for Zoe she not only lost her mom but also a grandmother, a aunt, a uncle, a six pack of cousins all of blood but a host of other adopted family that have no clue about her simple because they cant return a letter or a call.
 

Diaper stage

Anytime I'm growing it's never a pretty sight. Any growth from the old self to the new self is a tooth and nail fight inside that most often spills out into my life. Retaking any inch ground in my soul that hasn't seen the living life giving rays of the sunlight is full on trench warfare. Like huge pus filled boils God uses the truth to lance them to drain off deep held resentments, septic pus of hurt, and smells all kinds of foulness. Then the healing part comes in but man its never just a magic wand type for me. You cant be afflicted with such vicious wounds to your legs then run a marathon the next day.

I've been really thinking on how I can screw up my life in a major lately. Maybe pick up heroin, get into sex only in big fluffy animal costumes, join one of those pseudo religious cults, or something along those lines. Nothing s wrong that I need to go hide away in like in the past but worse everything is somewhat stable. I don't know how to manage stability. I know how to recovery well enough by now but have no clue how to keep it up.

That's why now that I'm taking Father by God again with most levels of the thick scar tissue over the wound has been dealt with over the last few years that it hurts so much. Last week was the overview which is easy enough because its a bids eye view. The messy details are white washed over to trick you into trying it out. So this week s homework was the foundational stage of being the Beloved Son. This stage has always been the most obsolete part to me because I was so oblivious to how deeply I was wounded. Over the years more has been revealed and most times that's a good thing but we are still getting damage reports from below decks. Geez how bad is it down there?

I want to stomp down there stairs and shake that filthy stupid kid yelling suck it up and be a man till he gets his crap together. After all these years why he cant hear me must be a problem with my volume being to low so I raise it no a more disastrous effect. What is so hard for me to wrap my head around is that part of me needs to feel love. That's my grossest handicap I think my ability to love myself. I can accept myself like a shipment of lumber. Some planks I can see making a house with some most are warped enough but able to hide in the walls. Then I see this pile of just miss match pieces left over. Good for nothing in my life today. That I can see. That's the problem I can not see any further than today.

God started working on me years ago on things that weren't bothering me at all to get me screwed up enough to be willing to work on them to prepare me for what's ahead.

Matthew 22:36-40New International Version (NIV)

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.

Truth is I don't love myself much so I cant love my neighbor much. I cant adore my kids until I adore myself. I get so frustrated with Zoe because I get so frustrated with myself doing the same selfish things. How I treat myself is the reflection of how I would treat others. These things scare me! I want to love deeply and be accepting to those in my life.

So the outline says to love others we have to love ourselves but that's jacked, if it was that simple we would be all ready. How do we start?  

We love, because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

before I can love myself  I must first be loved to teach me how to do it. I let God take that inner kid out of the basement and out to play in fields of green. That kid doesn't have to suck it up and act like a man. All he has to do is be loved and act like a kid. To run like a wild Indian, get into mischief, climb trees, tells story's of dragons he sees in the clouds, to take naps under shade trees. All these things he can do because his Father loves and protects him from all bad things. The yard is safe. He can run barefoot feeling the blades of grass between his toes because God has been hard at work working on the yard putting in the work so only grass grows. Man I long to toss my shoes and go running.

As I go through this reading asking deeper question than I had before it shocks me how much I hate surprises. I would even as a kid try to find out what I got for Christmas not so I could play with the toys but just out of fear that I wouldn't get anything. really like my parents would wrap up boxes in pretty paper just to laugh at the look on my face. I didn't have a bad childhood by any means but there was many many surprises that weren't fun. So I grew to hate surprises and took measures to insulate myself from them. I skipped little league because if I surprisingly hit the ball I didn't know what to do next. It was surprising to me when my dad left us. Maybe I have a genetic sensitivity true but I really hated change after that. I would sit in front of the television for hours spacing out because there was no surprises.

These last few years as I've been opening myself up to surprises as gifts from God. Earlier this year I was offered a deep sea fishing trip out of the blue. Everything in my threw up screams of how it wouldn't work out. So to feed them I made calls to make sure this wouldn't happen. Zoe would be a problem boom mom said no trouble. Work wouldn't let me off bang they ask if I need the following Monday off to give me some extra time.  Every time I tried to feed the fears they came up starving. All I had t do was show up and explore the ocean.

Blessings have just poured into my life that I never have ever thought of. After Pegs death I was as a child totally unable to take care of myself. Just stunned stupid I wouldn't of eaten if people didn't remind me or bring it over in some cases. Bills got paid some how. Christmas all I could do is sit back and receive surprise blessing over and over. Just a couple weeks I was talking to God about fixing up the back yard since Whitey ran off. I get two  calls from two separate parties offering my a grill and a lawnmower on top off someone upgrading their patio furniture and passing me four chairs for my table.

Safety, exploration, surprises is what it means to be a beloved son. In turn I have been able to give all these things to Zoe. She watched how trust falls work on TV and now I'll just be sitting there and she will fall back with all her weight without abandon. I haven't dropped her yet but have come very close to a run to the ER. She just expects that I am watching her and will catch her if she falls. How the hell did she get that impression? Man if I could trust God like that, he's willing its me with the trust issues. Zoe runs off without fear because she knows I'm watching her. She gets in the car and asks what I have for her. Not in a selfish way but just after so many times of having a surprise treat why wouldn't I? Geez I have prayed to God for no more surprises good or bad.

This week I might jus get paperwork I've been waiting for since 2005 to be able to see my first two daughters. What should of been a time of rejoicing was wretchedly stolen by fear. I let it run for a while but then I started to read my homework on being the beloved son and it stirred up stuff to where I had to chose if God really did call me his beloved still. Saturday I wrestled with that all day. Sunday I woke up to Easter and the answer was yes to the point of death. Every stage in the book builds off the Beloved Son all the parts like warrior and king I want to skip to starts with knowing how much I am deeply loved. 

And said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Matthew 18:3 ESV         

We are God's children but today I quit fighting and accept that I am the apple of his eye. 
 

Fixer Upper

Between music video channels and food network is HGN the home and garden network. It's all about remodeling the house and the yard. Two things that hold no interest to me at all. I was journaling about what I want to get out of fathered by god this year. I wrote down that I give more this year to the other guys because in my innermost heart I felt like I had taken in more than my fair share. There was only so much he could do.

 

I flipped the channel up but the remote slipped fell to the floor. One rolled under the couch the other under the table both a pain to that would require me to get on my hands and knees to retrieve. So I figured to just leave the channel until Zoe got up from her nap. 

The program was just starting. It's called rehab addict. The episode playing in the background caught my attention was hoe she bought this awesome house for a dollar because no one else wanted it. The house was abandoned but in good shape the was the basement wasn't propperly set in the first place nor maintained over the years. The house was in suburban Detroit where the deep winter and hot summers had turned the basement walls to paper mache.

It was a waste of money to fix, up the above ground house for anyone because it was just a matter of time before it would fall in on itself under its own weight. The coolest thing happened next a company came in and used new tech to hydraulicly lift up the entire house off the ground using Jack's and steel beams! They proceeded to use a bobcat to knock the walls down to the foundation then drove down and dug they up to!

 There was a 414 ton house right above their heads but it was no big deal. They slapped cinderblocks up and concrete down like the house didn't exist. When they were done they just lowered the house onto the new foundation and basement with enhanced supports. Then they started on the house like every other week it seemed.

The words just let me fix your basement floated in my head. I knew it was the holy spirit. That's a tough choice. It should be a no brainer but for people like me its a tough call. In AA they say it that a man has to choose to die a excruciating death by alcoholism or choose a spiritual way of life. The Bible tell us sometime Jesus just flat out asks do you want to be healed? 

This isn't my first go around with this class. But I'm catching so many more nuances than ever. It's like taking muddy water through a purification process over and over again. Each time more crap is taken out to reveal cleaner water. The,strainer keeps on getting smaller. From big holes to catch my grosser handicaps to smaller ones for things like motives.

1.2 Gigawatts

When were the good old days anyway?

The greatest lie I tell myself is things were better in the past. Even though I have bitched and moaned through out my life about what has been going on for some reason I have been wanting the good old days back again. Intellectual facts have had no effect on a emotional remembrance. I think I don't want to go back in time as much as I want to lose experience. To return to blissful ignorance of being less scarred by life.

What wouldn't give to have the worst thing in my life was a zit! To have real hope that if I just got out of this one horse town life would be so much better. Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain. Ecclesiastes 1:18 Solomon was right on there. The longer we live the more knowledge we accumulate. When we are young sitting around drinking from bottles in bars or coffee cups in diners we had the freedom to have theories of how the universe ran. Twenty years later we sit in our lazy boys with facts of how our theories were blown away an begrudgingly accept the facts of how the universe works.I stand back looking at my white board like Wyle E. Coyote looking at the plan and just baffled why that Roadrunner isn't dead. All my numbers were good and bought all the right ACME products right? All wing nuts accounted for? Things weren't better in the past they were just as shiny and just as tragic as they are now in equal parts. The only thing different is my capacity to recognize the weight has grown.

The second greatest lie I tell my self is If I would of just known then what I know now how I would of done things different. If I just would of saved my money and bought Yahoo stock then turned around and bought Google then turned that into whatever. If I knew that my first wife would turn out to leave me for a lesbian would I still of married her? Knee jerk reaction is hells to the no but gut level is hells to the no because I would lose my first two daughters. Would I keep my mouth shut in 04 to avoid going to jail? I can only imagine the absolute self destruction I would of done keeping secrets like that.  I have read enough science fiction to understand the quantum level effects of the smallest choice different has on the time space continuum. My today is so fragile I wouldn't dare change a thing in the past. The cascading avalanche would completely wipe my world away from the force of a butterfly's wing.

The only thing that changes in a person as we grow older I think is our capacity in our heart. The amount we are to take in of this world is equivalent to the amount of heartbreak we go through.  I can break Zoe's heart with a lollipop. By giving it to her heart breaks and a deeper level of love can build up a bigger storage to put all that extra love she suddenly has. By denying it her heart can break and storage area for hate will be constructed. Beautiful things break my heart Just as easy as pain and tragedy these days.  As my capacity grows through using my heart God keeps pushing on my borders.

I like dropping Ecstasy or other hallucinogenic material to push the borders of my conciseness because I can dictate the timetable of being blown away. I'm not ambushed by waking to a still morning in warm blankets and birds singing as sunlight filters through my curtains to a wave security and love. A grief bubble doesn't get past all my defenses and on a Tuesday afternoon at 2 pm I'm hiding out in a closet at work balling my eyes because I heard a song Peg used to play. Such brilliant highs and abysmal lows I am exposed to sober are just so inconvenient really.

The present is such a mystical place to reside in that  have to lie to myself to just feel normal. When I live in this supernatural world of limitless wonder I am paralyzed. I have been given wings but never leave the nest. Thanks for the wings God but I just really wanted them in case I accidently fell out of the nest to fly back up to where I started from not where I could go. The sky is so immense I have to build walls. I tell myself lies to build walls with a window in them so I can still dream about flying. So much easier to dream about flying than it is to take wing.

FeBROary: Leon Reed

Leon is in the hospital right now and will probably be OK. Yesterday on the boat he just crashed before our eyes. Its hard to watch someone so strong go down like that. Its like watching superman bleed for the first time. Leon is cut from that same cloth my dad was rough tumble John Wayne loving motorcycle riding leather. He runs the maintenance shop over at Stonegate and has been a influential start up member of the Stonegator motorcycle club and the men's ministries of Wild at heart, Epic, and Fathered by God.

I'm proud to call Leon my brother because he loves me. Joe is the more charismatic people person that people can identify with because he is so screwed up on the outside but Leon has such a tough hide its hard to identity with him because it seems he is so tough he must have it all together. He is such a pansy though deep down cries at the drop of the hat and is a hugger of all things.

I had always seen Leon around and actively avoided him as much as possible because he was everything I wasn’t for the first few times I started hanging around the guys. I came to classes infrequently because I had already read the books and wasn’t ready to hear anything really.

After dad died I went through the Fathered by God class to avoid going to the grief recovery class. It was the pilot class and God really got a hold of me in a big way. Enough that when they offered up the men's retreat I signed up for it. It was a uphill battle spiritually to make it on the trip. Stuff just kept creeping up in my life. I made it was totally blown away by it Friday Saturday was awesome wore myself out on the slide of death and by Saturday night I was relaxed on a deep level. I walked into the kitchen to find a friend and he was in there talking to Leon. Leon was making cookies of all things. I grabbed my friend and were headed out when Leon said He was surprised I made it in kind of a passing way.

My friend went to go grab something from his room and I was waiting for him. My guts got twisted up over what Leon said and the tighter they got the angrier I got. Who the frak was he to be surprised? Screw him! After all I fought through to get here he is going to be so high and mighty over me looking down his nose. Frak that! I marched in there and more enthusiastically than needed asked him what the hell he meant. He didn’t seemed to concerned about my righteous fury and calmly explained that he had seen me sniffing around the group for a while now but never made a effort to be part of. That he had noticed my name on the list but didn’t expect it to stay there. He had seen so many guys all on fire but burn out just as quick. He saw my name and was surprised every week when they meet to pray over our names. When you step on the path the enemy puts a target on your back. Leon said as wounded as I was it would be like chum in the water for the enemy. I was to raw to angry to sad, to hard to take to much on. Something would have to rise up from deep within me to make it and you just don’t see that happen. So when I made it onto the bus it was something special.

It floored me to be noticed. The old man had noticed me a long distance when I thought I was not worth being noticed. All along while I stealthy infiltrated their group he had eyes on me. He was proud of me for making it this far! I pictured those guys watching baby turtle cracking their shells on the beach and scrambling for the ocean. So many predators just sitting on the sidelines waiting to pick them off. Knowing the odds to get to the water was a long shot still they cheered and prayed while birds swooped in gobbling them up. The water doesn’t mean safety by any means just a different danger. Leon knew that taking up the fight for my masculine soul wasn’t over by any means the real war was only the beginning. The ocean doesn’t feel as big or as scary knowing I had Leon cheering me on.

FeBROary- Ben Spence

I was feeling so much unneccesry anxiety about Febuary to a pointit was kinda crushing me. Just a lot of real turning points  my life happens generally in Febuary. Some super special some just plain tragic. The thing they have in common is the sheer intensity its just never been a bland month really. Throw in a multi billion dollar advertising campaign geared to Single Awareness Day its just throwing jet fuel onto a bonfire

It kinda got me in a tailspin towards depression. That's my default mode in life I think honestly. Not in a victim mindset way just a very deep biogenetic hardwiring sort of way of never knowing how to feel so I learned to shut down early to pull in and seal the castle walls till the storm passes but never learned enough bought the weather to tell a breeze from a gale force wind.

After being in so many car wrecks I'm starting to try and listen for the squeal of breaks way before I'm wondering upside down in my car on the highway of life How'd this happen? Again! So to this point I going to be proactive. Someone suggested a gratitude list to me where you just basically write down what your grateful for in your life. One of the things that kept coming up was the people in my life. That rabbit took me to the brothers in my life today that rabbit lead me to look back and see he brothers in my past that rabbit lead to conclude that if I had brothers a few then, and I have more brothers now, then just by sheer logic then Ill end up old abandoned and die friendless in a alley somewhere. Sounds stupid but that the verdict from he logic committee handed down. Luckily I just don't swallow their verdicts in my life as ironclad gospel as much any more.

I choose to hope today. I think that hope is a God given blessing that is acts as a big fat middle finger to a fallen world that says screw you. Hope is a punk rock Mohawk in the face to the crew cut world of he law as much to the long haired hippies of the self serving. t tells them I'm not either or I'm greater than either separate. So I choose to hope that if I had fledgling brothers in the past, true blue brothers pacing with me today, then maybe just maybe the future holds all that was promised to me.
 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

So I will celebrate a different guy for each day of the month of February or as it will be known in the People Republic of Tomas, FeBROary. Oh don't worry I didn't forget the females in my life HOtober is coming soon enough.

Ben Spencer

I love Ben because he is comfortable in his own skin. Ben has so may social skills in dealing with people that  admire and confuse me. I'm a con man but been is able to talk as much smack as I do but he is able to do it genuinely. That's a trait I admire because I am uncomfortable in my skin and try and blend in with the crowd. Ben just doesn't seem to care what others think of him as much. He has this deep seated confidence and acceptance in himself that wen I am around him it makes it easier for me to be me. By Bens own account he is gay in every way except sexually. Very artistic, well read, able to hold deep conversation, loves art, big into theater, dresses with style. Yet he is deceiving because of his innate strength under all of that. He is a true southern gentleman who can wax philosophically on the poach but has no issues being in the field bringing in the harvest. He has a plan working at his house to be fully self supportive when he zombies attack and it's legit! Live animals fresh vegetables its going to be the Hilton of the Post Apocalypse! Ben defines masculinity standards by his strengths and at the same time defies masculinity standards by his strengths. I'm able to feel comfortable in my skin to enjoy the theatre or poetry for example around him  because he admires a beauty of God that I can appreciate.
I am grateful to have Ben back in my life. We were friends for years passing each other in various things around town but it was always accidental. A couple of years ago we wound up in the same Wild at Heart class  by sheer divine accident. Luckily we connected on a deeper level and grew close. I've been privileged to walk with him for sometime and am better for it.

Horseradish

 I think my life can be summed up easy enough at my funeral if someone just got up and said "I knew Tomas Lynskey. He was easy to love but hard to like"

There is so much good stuff about me that I am easy to love like a mangy dog digging through the garbage in the rain. In my mess I am made adorable. My love of God. My constant battle against my demons. My sarcasm. The way I could break into a group. The ability to listen and relate heart to heart with people I just meet by putting them at ease. The deepness of my love for my family and friends.

but like a old truck that is broken in and well love most everyone I know thinks hard about just trading me in for something just plain easier to drive. I am moody. I get butt hurt over nothing. I fall into morose depression to easy. I quit before I get started. When people see my number pop up or a email I've heard so many people say they say a prayer. Like Russian roulette they wonder what I will be into now.

Man get it and I wish I would be different. Stable. To be the same person and mood maybe a degree hotter or colder deepened on the day. Not cold as Pluto or heated as Venus. I've tried to live in the lines and be like others but I might as well try and fly for all the good it has ever done me.

I have had so many people totally unrelated and totally different times in my life tell me this simple truth. I've been going through a lot of Peggy's stuff last couple of days emails, blogs, photos, notes, etc. The way I could expound intellectual ideas or rattle of poetry were only comparable to the acidity of cruel truths and selfish ranting's.

Its such a cruel cycle that I draw people into. The highs of watching how God is molding me is like watching a dog do calculus nothing short of amazing seeing that break thru. Lows are the calls where I'm on proverbial edge wrecked with soul numbness with no signs of ever recovering. I hate hearing that pause that says nothing by words but says oh Christ here we go again.

I look back at my relationships and the cycle is the same. I choose not to be in any more relationships and never to marry again. I think I have been called to being single and wired in a way that make close personal relationships impossible. Not saying that God cant make it happen if He wanted it. I believe He could but maybe I'm one of the goat skinned crazies described in Hebrews. Paul was kind of a horses ass like I am and he was good in his old age.

All the rebels scream Its better to be hated for who you are than liked for your not. But man is it hard to be the rebel who lives that out. I know guys who are easy to like but just hard to stay around much less love. They leave no taste in peoples mouth when they leave. I'll say do you know  x what do you think of him? X is cool but just don't know him. No one will ever say hat about me. People remember me for good or bad but never lukewarm. I think that's a good thing but hard.