1.2 Gigawatts

When were the good old days anyway?

The greatest lie I tell myself is things were better in the past. Even though I have bitched and moaned through out my life about what has been going on for some reason I have been wanting the good old days back again. Intellectual facts have had no effect on a emotional remembrance. I think I don't want to go back in time as much as I want to lose experience. To return to blissful ignorance of being less scarred by life.

What wouldn't give to have the worst thing in my life was a zit! To have real hope that if I just got out of this one horse town life would be so much better. Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain. Ecclesiastes 1:18 Solomon was right on there. The longer we live the more knowledge we accumulate. When we are young sitting around drinking from bottles in bars or coffee cups in diners we had the freedom to have theories of how the universe ran. Twenty years later we sit in our lazy boys with facts of how our theories were blown away an begrudgingly accept the facts of how the universe works.I stand back looking at my white board like Wyle E. Coyote looking at the plan and just baffled why that Roadrunner isn't dead. All my numbers were good and bought all the right ACME products right? All wing nuts accounted for? Things weren't better in the past they were just as shiny and just as tragic as they are now in equal parts. The only thing different is my capacity to recognize the weight has grown.

The second greatest lie I tell my self is If I would of just known then what I know now how I would of done things different. If I just would of saved my money and bought Yahoo stock then turned around and bought Google then turned that into whatever. If I knew that my first wife would turn out to leave me for a lesbian would I still of married her? Knee jerk reaction is hells to the no but gut level is hells to the no because I would lose my first two daughters. Would I keep my mouth shut in 04 to avoid going to jail? I can only imagine the absolute self destruction I would of done keeping secrets like that.  I have read enough science fiction to understand the quantum level effects of the smallest choice different has on the time space continuum. My today is so fragile I wouldn't dare change a thing in the past. The cascading avalanche would completely wipe my world away from the force of a butterfly's wing.

The only thing that changes in a person as we grow older I think is our capacity in our heart. The amount we are to take in of this world is equivalent to the amount of heartbreak we go through.  I can break Zoe's heart with a lollipop. By giving it to her heart breaks and a deeper level of love can build up a bigger storage to put all that extra love she suddenly has. By denying it her heart can break and storage area for hate will be constructed. Beautiful things break my heart Just as easy as pain and tragedy these days.  As my capacity grows through using my heart God keeps pushing on my borders.

I like dropping Ecstasy or other hallucinogenic material to push the borders of my conciseness because I can dictate the timetable of being blown away. I'm not ambushed by waking to a still morning in warm blankets and birds singing as sunlight filters through my curtains to a wave security and love. A grief bubble doesn't get past all my defenses and on a Tuesday afternoon at 2 pm I'm hiding out in a closet at work balling my eyes because I heard a song Peg used to play. Such brilliant highs and abysmal lows I am exposed to sober are just so inconvenient really.

The present is such a mystical place to reside in that  have to lie to myself to just feel normal. When I live in this supernatural world of limitless wonder I am paralyzed. I have been given wings but never leave the nest. Thanks for the wings God but I just really wanted them in case I accidently fell out of the nest to fly back up to where I started from not where I could go. The sky is so immense I have to build walls. I tell myself lies to build walls with a window in them so I can still dream about flying. So much easier to dream about flying than it is to take wing.