FeBROary- Ben Spence

I was feeling so much unneccesry anxiety about Febuary to a pointit was kinda crushing me. Just a lot of real turning points  my life happens generally in Febuary. Some super special some just plain tragic. The thing they have in common is the sheer intensity its just never been a bland month really. Throw in a multi billion dollar advertising campaign geared to Single Awareness Day its just throwing jet fuel onto a bonfire

It kinda got me in a tailspin towards depression. That's my default mode in life I think honestly. Not in a victim mindset way just a very deep biogenetic hardwiring sort of way of never knowing how to feel so I learned to shut down early to pull in and seal the castle walls till the storm passes but never learned enough bought the weather to tell a breeze from a gale force wind.

After being in so many car wrecks I'm starting to try and listen for the squeal of breaks way before I'm wondering upside down in my car on the highway of life How'd this happen? Again! So to this point I going to be proactive. Someone suggested a gratitude list to me where you just basically write down what your grateful for in your life. One of the things that kept coming up was the people in my life. That rabbit took me to the brothers in my life today that rabbit lead me to look back and see he brothers in my past that rabbit lead to conclude that if I had brothers a few then, and I have more brothers now, then just by sheer logic then Ill end up old abandoned and die friendless in a alley somewhere. Sounds stupid but that the verdict from he logic committee handed down. Luckily I just don't swallow their verdicts in my life as ironclad gospel as much any more.

I choose to hope today. I think that hope is a God given blessing that is acts as a big fat middle finger to a fallen world that says screw you. Hope is a punk rock Mohawk in the face to the crew cut world of he law as much to the long haired hippies of the self serving. t tells them I'm not either or I'm greater than either separate. So I choose to hope that if I had fledgling brothers in the past, true blue brothers pacing with me today, then maybe just maybe the future holds all that was promised to me.
 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

So I will celebrate a different guy for each day of the month of February or as it will be known in the People Republic of Tomas, FeBROary. Oh don't worry I didn't forget the females in my life HOtober is coming soon enough.

Ben Spencer

I love Ben because he is comfortable in his own skin. Ben has so may social skills in dealing with people that  admire and confuse me. I'm a con man but been is able to talk as much smack as I do but he is able to do it genuinely. That's a trait I admire because I am uncomfortable in my skin and try and blend in with the crowd. Ben just doesn't seem to care what others think of him as much. He has this deep seated confidence and acceptance in himself that wen I am around him it makes it easier for me to be me. By Bens own account he is gay in every way except sexually. Very artistic, well read, able to hold deep conversation, loves art, big into theater, dresses with style. Yet he is deceiving because of his innate strength under all of that. He is a true southern gentleman who can wax philosophically on the poach but has no issues being in the field bringing in the harvest. He has a plan working at his house to be fully self supportive when he zombies attack and it's legit! Live animals fresh vegetables its going to be the Hilton of the Post Apocalypse! Ben defines masculinity standards by his strengths and at the same time defies masculinity standards by his strengths. I'm able to feel comfortable in my skin to enjoy the theatre or poetry for example around him  because he admires a beauty of God that I can appreciate.
I am grateful to have Ben back in my life. We were friends for years passing each other in various things around town but it was always accidental. A couple of years ago we wound up in the same Wild at Heart class  by sheer divine accident. Luckily we connected on a deeper level and grew close. I've been privileged to walk with him for sometime and am better for it.