Its going to be triple digit heat this afternoon but some how I find myself in a season of spring. I know I was in winter but didn't see the transition fully till I found myself in the middle of it. Maybe its from living in West Texas for so long that I have lost all sense of what passes for regular seasons any more. The motif of seasons is one of the few ways of making sense of my life. The only other I have found helpful in plotting where I am in the story of my life is The Hero Cycle by Joseph Campbell.
But the seasons is my go to when I ask where the hell am I. Probably because I have always judge my insides by the outsides of others. My secret hope is that it is actually a primal long to return to the plan. We were made from the dust of the Earth who was already here before us so if it work for the land maybe it could work for me. Hard to argue with millions of years of nature going through natural disasters and still standing. Eldridge says that "where man fails to convey all God has to say, He still has nature speaking for him."
I feel a lot of things right now and I hate it. Its like when your falls asleep and you get up to move after a good movie. It just hurts so bad to have blood flow rushing in and nerve endings coming back to life. Spring is a season of new beginnings. Winter is easy in a lot of ways because your just keeping alive off of last years bounty. Its about conservation of energy in a harsh environment. Spring is when the death frost starts to melt away and life begins to return but it is the most time consuming season as well. Its long days of hard work not only assessing how much damage was done over the winter but to get the jump on the work needing to be done to grow crops. Its rough work to dig into the sleeping resisting to awaken ground to make rows. Its easier in fall to harvest than to plant in spring. Both are back breaking labor but in fall you have your fruit of your labors in your hands. In spring you got nothing to show yourself but seeds and hopes. You do all the labor and there's more than a good chance that you will harvest nothing.
I don't know if it was manifest destiny that drove the western expansion of America or just the resentment of their damned neighbors. Inspired or deranged all the people of God look about the same a lot of the time. Who in their right mind would take to the wilderness and has the balls to dream of what could be? I used to think my grandparents super rich because they had so much stuff. Anything my grandfather needed he would go and have it most of the time already. Truth is a secret I am just now finding out is if you stay in the same place you accumulate stuff. When your always on the move you just cant haul all that crap around!
I had the same job for three years and in the last five months I've had three different jobs. Its not huge but it effects you. Seasons change and I struggle as hard as I can but they just keep changing. Zoe is growing at this incredible rate just yesterday she was so much a sweet toddler now she's like a Taliban terrorist some days. Parts of me deep parts of me are finally cracking in the sunlight of the spirit for growth to take place. Just as I learn to be ok with being bare branches these damnable leaves come in messing it up. I love how Anne Rice talks about how she used vampires as a motif of her frozen rage against God because they never changed. Yesterday and right now is filled with good and bad. Trouble comes when I try to hold onto yesterdays bad because it never gets to cycle into good. Worse trouble comes when I hold onto yesterdays good and it sours into bad.
Yesterday my past was thrown in my face pretty hard. Mistakes from ten years ago trying to define my today. It nearly crippled me in a lot of ways because I'm still that guy. I'm still selfish, condescending, know it all, self reliant, unrealistic expectation, lying, loud mouth, demanding, lazy, depressed, pessimistic, add what ever other short comings you like. I can see him in the mirror and recognize his actions. But what a blessing! I don't see that old man as much as I did ten years ago. Much less in the last eight. Way less in the last five. In the last two years he's popped up but more on a guest star appearance than a starring role I build my show around. I asked God to remove my shortcomings with a honest earnest heart but he hasn't yet. So when I read about the thorn in Paul's side and his lust for serving God but bewilderment why he deals with his shortcoming I get his frustration. I probably do have the power to say exorcise a demon but cant restructure my thought processes to beat the hell out of person who just cut me off in traffic.
What I despise about being in a season of spring is how much more I need God. How did I barely get through last winter? God sustained me. How did I know with last falls harvest? God told me. How did last Summers crops grow so big? Gods love and strength. How did I know what to plant last spring? God told me. Sounds stupid but he wont be happy until he has all of me. All it is the same trap they used on the sharecroppers. He's basically making me a slave by virtue not by debt but grace. He keeps on adding acres onto my farm so I got to go to him for more of the same that got me through yesterday for 1% more for tomorrow.
Man I cant wait for summer so I can sit on my butt and just watch stuff grow.
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