Horseradish

 I think my life can be summed up easy enough at my funeral if someone just got up and said "I knew Tomas Lynskey. He was easy to love but hard to like"

There is so much good stuff about me that I am easy to love like a mangy dog digging through the garbage in the rain. In my mess I am made adorable. My love of God. My constant battle against my demons. My sarcasm. The way I could break into a group. The ability to listen and relate heart to heart with people I just meet by putting them at ease. The deepness of my love for my family and friends.

but like a old truck that is broken in and well love most everyone I know thinks hard about just trading me in for something just plain easier to drive. I am moody. I get butt hurt over nothing. I fall into morose depression to easy. I quit before I get started. When people see my number pop up or a email I've heard so many people say they say a prayer. Like Russian roulette they wonder what I will be into now.

Man get it and I wish I would be different. Stable. To be the same person and mood maybe a degree hotter or colder deepened on the day. Not cold as Pluto or heated as Venus. I've tried to live in the lines and be like others but I might as well try and fly for all the good it has ever done me.

I have had so many people totally unrelated and totally different times in my life tell me this simple truth. I've been going through a lot of Peggy's stuff last couple of days emails, blogs, photos, notes, etc. The way I could expound intellectual ideas or rattle of poetry were only comparable to the acidity of cruel truths and selfish ranting's.

Its such a cruel cycle that I draw people into. The highs of watching how God is molding me is like watching a dog do calculus nothing short of amazing seeing that break thru. Lows are the calls where I'm on proverbial edge wrecked with soul numbness with no signs of ever recovering. I hate hearing that pause that says nothing by words but says oh Christ here we go again.

I look back at my relationships and the cycle is the same. I choose not to be in any more relationships and never to marry again. I think I have been called to being single and wired in a way that make close personal relationships impossible. Not saying that God cant make it happen if He wanted it. I believe He could but maybe I'm one of the goat skinned crazies described in Hebrews. Paul was kind of a horses ass like I am and he was good in his old age.

All the rebels scream Its better to be hated for who you are than liked for your not. But man is it hard to be the rebel who lives that out. I know guys who are easy to like but just hard to stay around much less love. They leave no taste in peoples mouth when they leave. I'll say do you know  x what do you think of him? X is cool but just don't know him. No one will ever say hat about me. People remember me for good or bad but never lukewarm. I think that's a good thing but hard.