Deja Wound

Allot of people asked me after my last relationship ended How are you doing? My quick answer was a sarcastic "Well I'm glad this one didn't shoot herself in the head so I guess that's progress." But as time passes and the smoke clears it was a more honest answer than I would like to admit.

Conversation about a greater need to take care of her ongoing disease

• 2011- Her drinking made me nervous of leaving Zoe with her at night
• 2014- Her anxiety made me nervous leaving Zoe with her over summer

The last face to face  conversation was "We will get through this. We will talk about it tonight."

• 2011- As she walked out the door
• 2014- As she dropped me off at work

Gone by phone

• 2011- Me calling, the officer on the scene answering
• 2014- by text, you can pick up Zoe at your moms

Time alone in my head/mounting financial worry due to lack of childcare

• 2011- Suddenly being a single parent
• 2014- Not having a daycare ready to go

Abandoned stuff left in the house for me to clean up alone

• 2011- All her stuff
• 2014- Less than $100 of knick knacks, mementoes, assorted things

Estranged family that she had been exiled from their lives in last month demanding stuff with no legal right

• 2011- Her Mom
• 2014- Her Brother

Betrayal to CPS by someone close without cause to be found ends with them being cut out of my life

• 2011- Her sister and best friend
• 2014- Someone in my game group

Question  "If it was so bad why didn't she just escape to in town family?"

• 2011- Her mom had a huge empty house she could go to
• 2014- Her brother had just moved into a new place alone with at least crash space

Living with the rumor that I caused her actions entirely

• 2011- Her death spoke volumes
• 2014- actual trash talking from her stating that it was all my fault none of it hers.

The two cases aren't black and white different but various shades of gray. Different people but similar result with only me as a common denominator. I see that now and instead of wasting my time asking why did this happen again I know the answer. The wound being reopened isn't new but one of abandonment that happened along time ago. This is just common sense by the enemy. 2011 we nearly killed him off so lets run that same play again. Like in any sport if you find a weakness in a opposing team you direct your energy towards there. I'd tell every batter to pop it to left field if I knew the guy there couldn't catch a ball. I'd tell my quarterback to run every play if they were concentrating on my wide receiver's. If the other boxer had a weak midsection I wouldn't go for the KO jaw shot.

The good news is if one  solution worked for one then it'll probably will work for the other then also. The wound may never heal but recovery with learning how to live with the scar tissue happened once and can be applied to the wounding again. Instead of having a explanation of why God let this happen learn to live with gratitude that more will be revealed on the other side of Heaven but any explanation here still wont satisfy me. Use the tools in the bag to do what I can. 12 steps, church, service work, prayer, writing, meditation, all those cliché things to stop the bleeding and sew it up. Being real about exactly my part in it was. I have some amends to do but her choices are independent of me. I cant cause anyone to do anything I don't have that power. Lord knows if I did things would look way different in my life. Forgive them for being flawed just like me.  Look for forgiveness from God and if he can then forgive myself also. Quit making wreckage with the people still around and bolster up boundaries that need it. Good fences make for good neighbors.  

It took me three years, which on the calendar seems really quick but felt like a eternity, to be in a place where I was able honestly try and be in a relationship again. I hope that it doesn't take that long but more than willing if I get a taste of the same benefits. For even it ended in a train wreck again I was able to get down the tracks again  further in certain aspects than I had been able to in the meantime. I was able to be honest. I was able to introduce her to my daughter without dressing it up as anything but what it was. I was able to take her around my family and friends without being embarrassed about her. I was able to make plans in the future and fulfill them. I was able to travel without being over anxious about it and ruining the trip. I didn't get drunk, pop pills, quit my job, go to jail, self harm, or any of the other multitude of ignorant things I have done in the past at the end of a relationship.! By great Zeus's beard that hell of progress for this mortal man.