Three years ago my world changed to this thing I'm still trying to understand. I woke up early then to. We had been up fighting about Peggy getting drunk again at her moms and I slept on the couch in our brand new house. I remember distinctly ironically "what a auspicious start!" We had just moved in I was sober about a month and a half. And we were giving it another go. I went out on my last good black out bender in February of 11 and she bolted in the middle of the day in March. We were all done then I went to Boot Camp in May and hand on a bible voice of God Charles Heston as Moses in the Ten Commandments was told to go home and fix my marriage.
Peg had been living with her mom moved in with Zoe and I at my moms wanting to get right with God, get sober, and do the whole deal right. As a adult I remember very few events in perfect clarity. 1, 2, 3 are the birth of my daughters. 4 is a wreck with a motorcycle where he died. 5 is 9/11. 6 is sitting on the couch calling Peg's phone and the cop telling me she was found unconscious. Part of me I think will always be stuck in time on that couch unable to move.
Now three years later my mourning is different. So much of the initial trauma has been dealt with on my end through the intercession of God, grief counseling, working steps, and time. Outside aggressors also have been neutralized. Peg's mom died herself, her hateful half sister cut all ties to us once I would only agree to supervised visitation, her half brothers father removed Ben from our lives as soon as he wasn't legally obligated to interact, her friend Brit got caught playing one side against the other and I dropped her.
My mourning is for everyone that was our ally in our greatest hour of need that has faded away from us. I know life happens and people just drift normally in our busy society. With so much going on people drop off. The funny thing is the more technology we have to communicate the more isolated we become from one another. Seems like the opposite should be happening.
One of the slogans passed around was "its easy to love the dead but hard to stand the living". Its meant to be how we make the dead one a saint forgetting just last week he was a son of a bitch and not appreciate the living ones still around in out lives. To those who were there for us and have moved on thank you. For those of you still in our lives who keep helping us trudge this road to happy destiny thank you. I don't have the words for the enormity of gratitude I have for you.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Deja Wound
Allot of people asked me after my last relationship ended How are you doing? My quick answer was a sarcastic "Well I'm glad this one didn't shoot herself in the head so I guess that's progress." But as time passes and the smoke clears it was a more honest answer than I would like to admit.
Conversation about a greater need to take care of her ongoing disease
The last face to face conversation was "We will get through this. We will talk about it tonight."
Gone by phone
Time alone in my head/mounting financial worry due to lack of childcare
Abandoned stuff left in the house for me to clean up alone
Estranged family that she had been exiled from their lives in last month demanding stuff with no legal right
Betrayal to CPS by someone close without cause to be found ends with them being cut out of my life
Question "If it was so bad why didn't she just escape to in town family?"
The good news is if one solution worked for one then it'll probably will work for the other then also. The wound may never heal but recovery with learning how to live with the scar tissue happened once and can be applied to the wounding again. Instead of having a explanation of why God let this happen learn to live with gratitude that more will be revealed on the other side of Heaven but any explanation here still wont satisfy me. Use the tools in the bag to do what I can. 12 steps, church, service work, prayer, writing, meditation, all those cliché things to stop the bleeding and sew it up. Being real about exactly my part in it was. I have some amends to do but her choices are independent of me. I cant cause anyone to do anything I don't have that power. Lord knows if I did things would look way different in my life. Forgive them for being flawed just like me. Look for forgiveness from God and if he can then forgive myself also. Quit making wreckage with the people still around and bolster up boundaries that need it. Good fences make for good neighbors.
It took me three years, which on the calendar seems really quick but felt like a eternity, to be in a place where I was able honestly try and be in a relationship again. I hope that it doesn't take that long but more than willing if I get a taste of the same benefits. For even it ended in a train wreck again I was able to get down the tracks again further in certain aspects than I had been able to in the meantime. I was able to be honest. I was able to introduce her to my daughter without dressing it up as anything but what it was. I was able to take her around my family and friends without being embarrassed about her. I was able to make plans in the future and fulfill them. I was able to travel without being over anxious about it and ruining the trip. I didn't get drunk, pop pills, quit my job, go to jail, self harm, or any of the other multitude of ignorant things I have done in the past at the end of a relationship.! By great Zeus's beard that hell of progress for this mortal man.
Conversation about a greater need to take care of her ongoing disease
- 2011- Her drinking made me nervous of leaving Zoe with her at night
- 2014- Her anxiety made me nervous leaving Zoe with her over summer
The last face to face conversation was "We will get through this. We will talk about it tonight."
- 2011- As she walked out the door
- 2014- As she dropped me off at work
Gone by phone
- 2011- Me calling, the officer on the scene answering
- 2014- by text, you can pick up Zoe at your moms
Time alone in my head/mounting financial worry due to lack of childcare
- 2011- Suddenly being a single parent
- 2014- Not having a daycare ready to go
Abandoned stuff left in the house for me to clean up alone
- 2011- All her stuff
- 2014- Less than $100 of knick knacks, mementoes, assorted things
Estranged family that she had been exiled from their lives in last month demanding stuff with no legal right
- 2011- Her Mom
- 2014- Her Brother
Betrayal to CPS by someone close without cause to be found ends with them being cut out of my life
- 2011- Her sister and best friend
- 2014- Someone in my game group
Question "If it was so bad why didn't she just escape to in town family?"
- 2011- Her mom had a huge empty house she could go to
- 2014- Her brother had just moved into a new place alone with at least crash space
- 2011- Her death spoke volumes
- 2014- actual trash talking from her stating that it was all my fault none of it hers.
The good news is if one solution worked for one then it'll probably will work for the other then also. The wound may never heal but recovery with learning how to live with the scar tissue happened once and can be applied to the wounding again. Instead of having a explanation of why God let this happen learn to live with gratitude that more will be revealed on the other side of Heaven but any explanation here still wont satisfy me. Use the tools in the bag to do what I can. 12 steps, church, service work, prayer, writing, meditation, all those cliché things to stop the bleeding and sew it up. Being real about exactly my part in it was. I have some amends to do but her choices are independent of me. I cant cause anyone to do anything I don't have that power. Lord knows if I did things would look way different in my life. Forgive them for being flawed just like me. Look for forgiveness from God and if he can then forgive myself also. Quit making wreckage with the people still around and bolster up boundaries that need it. Good fences make for good neighbors.
It took me three years, which on the calendar seems really quick but felt like a eternity, to be in a place where I was able honestly try and be in a relationship again. I hope that it doesn't take that long but more than willing if I get a taste of the same benefits. For even it ended in a train wreck again I was able to get down the tracks again further in certain aspects than I had been able to in the meantime. I was able to be honest. I was able to introduce her to my daughter without dressing it up as anything but what it was. I was able to take her around my family and friends without being embarrassed about her. I was able to make plans in the future and fulfill them. I was able to travel without being over anxious about it and ruining the trip. I didn't get drunk, pop pills, quit my job, go to jail, self harm, or any of the other multitude of ignorant things I have done in the past at the end of a relationship.! By great Zeus's beard that hell of progress for this mortal man.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Victimteer's
We have this stray cat that shows up to meetings. It comes up looking like it wants to snuggle up in your lap. I was a victim only the first time that stupid cat scratched me for being so damn moody ever other time I pet that cat I volunteer to the possibility of being scratched willingly. Its just that simple really. There is that random 20% of the time that damn cat is lovable and cuddly, a pleasure to be around. It's just enough to fool you the other 80% of the time to pick it up to snuggle and pull back your hand bleeding.
Its the same old story told from the dawn of time. A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
I had this brother who I had to set up a boundary with. He was mad I didn't side against a former lover instead of staying friends with both. Whatever went down I'm sure that like in all relationships both were at fault to some degree and it wasn't my place to make judgment calls on their behavior. He talked to his sponsor and told me he had a "justified resentment" against me for inviting him as well as her by God to a dinner I put together. Oh did I mention he was drunk as balls and shooting dope? It was really the limit of my tolerance. So I told him I read somewhere, Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 64) but hadn't read anything about a justified resentment. So I was going to have put him in the God box and put some distance between us. laying face down in the gutter and having to look up to look down on me while posting about his great spirituality, why his recovery was better than everyone else's, etc. was just to much. The path he was on and my smart mouth being in close proximity was a recipe for disaster. If I stayed in this unhealthy relationship I was going to be volunteering to be exposed to his fits of self pity and persecution syndrome, and bouts of narcissism. And since I suffer from the same I hate to have competition!
So I said I know who I am and with my short comings. One of them is sarcasm especially when I see someone close to me hurting and I don't have the "right" words so to avoid drama lets lead separate lives. I was crazy and full of myself was his response so we agreed to disagree and that was that. Weeks later when his new lover left him for his issues he decides the club and friends he abandoned aren't so crazy and full of crap to start coming around again. I'm happy to see him and welcome him back fully knowing neither of have changed. So when he acts as a victim I'm not surprised.
I was in this relationship where when we were together I was great guy, man of her dreams, more than she ever dreamed, happier every day according to her words. Once broken up I was the devil who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused her every day according to her words. HUH? Everyday? On day one if you are abused emotionally, mentally, but especially physically since that's so prevalent your a victim. Day two if you stay your a volunteer now. Battered wives who get punched in the mouth have every right if not a divine mandate to get the hell out of there right then right there no excuses. If a person stays in a relationship where they are hurt it is because they have a issue just as powerful as their abuser simple as that. I spent nine years in a abusive marriage as a professional Victimteer. I volunteered to be a victim, I keep myself in that relationship because of my issues. Was I genuinely mistreated at times, absolutely. You live intimately with anyone and character flaws will flare up and being in close proximity shit will splatter on you. But today I see how much I volunteered to be in the splash zone. Hell in my sickness I would instigate situations or purposely aggravate character flaws to keep the chaos flowing because that way I could be a victim rather than who I was supposed to be.
People say I don't like my job, my boss is a jerk. I think but you keep showing up each day? I don't like my car but you still drive it right? I hate coming to this restaurant but you willingly walk through the door right? Your getting something out of the situation or you wouldn't be participating as a volunteer. You like the money the job provides, you dislike to walk in Texas summer heat, you want to be part of the group! No one is forcing us to be in anything or do anything. We choose our actions and their resulting consequences hand in hand. If your reading this you chose to! Don't like what I have to say then simply stop listening. That's beauty and terrible burden of being free. You can volunteer to do whatever you want to but you have to live with the results but not as a victim.
Its the same old story told from the dawn of time. A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
I had this brother who I had to set up a boundary with. He was mad I didn't side against a former lover instead of staying friends with both. Whatever went down I'm sure that like in all relationships both were at fault to some degree and it wasn't my place to make judgment calls on their behavior. He talked to his sponsor and told me he had a "justified resentment" against me for inviting him as well as her by God to a dinner I put together. Oh did I mention he was drunk as balls and shooting dope? It was really the limit of my tolerance. So I told him I read somewhere, Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 64) but hadn't read anything about a justified resentment. So I was going to have put him in the God box and put some distance between us. laying face down in the gutter and having to look up to look down on me while posting about his great spirituality, why his recovery was better than everyone else's, etc. was just to much. The path he was on and my smart mouth being in close proximity was a recipe for disaster. If I stayed in this unhealthy relationship I was going to be volunteering to be exposed to his fits of self pity and persecution syndrome, and bouts of narcissism. And since I suffer from the same I hate to have competition!
So I said I know who I am and with my short comings. One of them is sarcasm especially when I see someone close to me hurting and I don't have the "right" words so to avoid drama lets lead separate lives. I was crazy and full of myself was his response so we agreed to disagree and that was that. Weeks later when his new lover left him for his issues he decides the club and friends he abandoned aren't so crazy and full of crap to start coming around again. I'm happy to see him and welcome him back fully knowing neither of have changed. So when he acts as a victim I'm not surprised.
I was in this relationship where when we were together I was great guy, man of her dreams, more than she ever dreamed, happier every day according to her words. Once broken up I was the devil who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused her every day according to her words. HUH? Everyday? On day one if you are abused emotionally, mentally, but especially physically since that's so prevalent your a victim. Day two if you stay your a volunteer now. Battered wives who get punched in the mouth have every right if not a divine mandate to get the hell out of there right then right there no excuses. If a person stays in a relationship where they are hurt it is because they have a issue just as powerful as their abuser simple as that. I spent nine years in a abusive marriage as a professional Victimteer. I volunteered to be a victim, I keep myself in that relationship because of my issues. Was I genuinely mistreated at times, absolutely. You live intimately with anyone and character flaws will flare up and being in close proximity shit will splatter on you. But today I see how much I volunteered to be in the splash zone. Hell in my sickness I would instigate situations or purposely aggravate character flaws to keep the chaos flowing because that way I could be a victim rather than who I was supposed to be.
People say I don't like my job, my boss is a jerk. I think but you keep showing up each day? I don't like my car but you still drive it right? I hate coming to this restaurant but you willingly walk through the door right? Your getting something out of the situation or you wouldn't be participating as a volunteer. You like the money the job provides, you dislike to walk in Texas summer heat, you want to be part of the group! No one is forcing us to be in anything or do anything. We choose our actions and their resulting consequences hand in hand. If your reading this you chose to! Don't like what I have to say then simply stop listening. That's beauty and terrible burden of being free. You can volunteer to do whatever you want to but you have to live with the results but not as a victim.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Whos this guy in the mirror?
Travel far enough and your bound to meet yourself on the road- David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas
Great thinkers like Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell theorize that we really aren't that different or unique as we would like to believe ourselves to be. There's a saying in the rooms of your a unique snowflake just like everyone else in this snow bank. Different but the same.
"Different trailer but same trailer park" Katy Musgrave, Merry Go Round
I've been thinking about what role I should be playing because I find myself in the same stories. It's like watching the same movie over and over and admittedly the production value are getting better with each cycle its the same story.
I have two pictures hanging on my wall one taken in 2006 the other in 2013. Each shows me with three guys who I been there with me bleeding in the trenches who I hope to be life long pals. I've had other pictures like this before but they have gotten lost along the way. Its photographic evidence of who was playing the roles of the people I want/need in my life. I attract or group with the same people in general. The sage representing a pilgrim further down the road I want to travel on. The philosopher a pilgrim who talks in bigger ideas. The grinder a pilgrim who struggles through with life by nose to the grindstone. Not per say happy but busy. I always had a image of myself in my head but it wasn't until recently when I really saw myself in another that I got a clear picture. Even if I look in the mirror it isn't a true image its in reverse. Self appraisal is always flawed.
However when I quit trying to compare myself to others and start to identify I see how much overwhelmingly I am more alike than different than most people. I meet myself in 2012 and I see why most people like me. Its for the same reasons I liked him right off the bat. Outwardly besides both being big guys not a lot similar. Characteristically very much alike. Good time Charlie, sensitive, quick with a joke, loyal, spiritual, philosophical, ect. Inwardly I think we share some of the same damage. Middle child syndrome of stable older successful brother successful stable younger sister crazy in the middle, abandonment issues, separation from or children, ill at ease with physical self, bad choices with ex's, and of course addiction which is what brought us to the dance in the first place. I've long decided that if I ever get a tombstone my epitaph would read " Here lies Tomas. Easy to love, hard to like". Fits this guy as well.
Its easy to love us both for all the good things we are but its hard as hell to like us for all the crap we pull in our lives. I had caught a big resentment against him over the last year for crap he pulled and the ramifications that came from it. When I first met him I got a lot of hope from him. He seemed to have found that special something to get the life I wanted despite the built in deficiencies. Good solid relationship, self supportive through work, nice stuff finally, good relationships with others, connection with God, grateful as all get out, respected, seemed to work a good program for example. Then the real acid test of life took place and stuff went sideways in a real quick fashion. My mom said to me words I find more profound and true the longer I live "We love other for the strengths they possess but grow to hate them for not using them."
I grew to hate him for his gratefulness that disappeared in the hard times. His narcissism, bouts of depression as well as mania, selfishness, justification, being a victim. I hated him for the all the reasons I hate myself sometimes. Where had his strength gone? Where was his connection to God? Why couldn't he stay sober? He spoke all the right words before why didn't he just shake it off?
The thing I was most disgusted with him is how much his stability was equally proportionate to the relationship status to the woman in his life at the time. If things were good with her things were flipping fantastic with him. If they were rocky he was in a hole beyond hope. The symbiotic parasitic codependency of this guy was off the charts! I hadn't seen such insanity since well since I looked in the mirror if I was going to be honest. To overcome my resentment of him I had to overcome the resentment of myself for being cut from the exact same cloth. I had to forgive myself for trading my sobriety, my god, my safety, my happiness, my stability for the love of a woman in 2006.
I had done the exact same thing all my life basing my happiness off my partner. I had done it for all the same reasons. Loneliness, fear, need of approval, no self esteem top the list but it boils down to I was uncomfortable with myself and God. All those things that I was supposed to go to God to get I was afraid so I just took to people that couldn't give it to me. I would either put on my captain save a ho cape to save her hoping to vicariously heal myself through her recovery. Or the other extreme find someone I could submit my life to in hopes that they could run it better than I could. The benevolent dominator or the victim. Either way I found myself sucking out everything out of people until they just had to cut me loose to save themselves from my bottomless pit. Then when it inevitably self destructed then I was Icarus fell trying to fly with a good woman and my wings melted under her glow. The other half of the time I was Dante who only willing plunged deep into Hell's depths to rescue her. I was so pissed at this guy I had respected so much being so stupid. Why couldn't he just be ok being alone for at least a month hell two weeks? Then I look back at my own track record and oh why couldn't I for so long?
Its hard to maintain rigorous honesty and a resentment against someone else for doing the same crap your doing. When I take the focus off my very little story in my head and try to be the huge dramatic story God is telling I see the role I'm playing isn't always the role I'm supposed to be playing at all. A love story of God's restoration set against a backdrop of a fallen world at war is how John Edlridge describes it and I like that. Joseph Campbell says there are really only 7 archetypes of people in the world and we all represent a subtype mixture of them at different points in our lives. I agree and rejoice in being the subtype today. It gives me a point of reference of where I was, where I am, and where I will go based on my choices how to respond to a changing life. In ten years I will hopefully have another photo of me and a group of guys who are sharing a life of pilgrims on the road to happy destiny. Chances are that it will be a different group of guys because everyone is moving at their own pace including myself. I wont be the same guy in the same place when the picture is taken. A snowflake doesn't start out beautiful it starts as a piece of debris floating in the sky that God takes and attaches water molecules to. As it gains weight it loses altitude. The minuscule amount of the water bonds to the debris and crystalize into something beautiful as a after effect.
Great thinkers like Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell theorize that we really aren't that different or unique as we would like to believe ourselves to be. There's a saying in the rooms of your a unique snowflake just like everyone else in this snow bank. Different but the same.
"Different trailer but same trailer park" Katy Musgrave, Merry Go Round
I've been thinking about what role I should be playing because I find myself in the same stories. It's like watching the same movie over and over and admittedly the production value are getting better with each cycle its the same story.
I have two pictures hanging on my wall one taken in 2006 the other in 2013. Each shows me with three guys who I been there with me bleeding in the trenches who I hope to be life long pals. I've had other pictures like this before but they have gotten lost along the way. Its photographic evidence of who was playing the roles of the people I want/need in my life. I attract or group with the same people in general. The sage representing a pilgrim further down the road I want to travel on. The philosopher a pilgrim who talks in bigger ideas. The grinder a pilgrim who struggles through with life by nose to the grindstone. Not per say happy but busy. I always had a image of myself in my head but it wasn't until recently when I really saw myself in another that I got a clear picture. Even if I look in the mirror it isn't a true image its in reverse. Self appraisal is always flawed.
However when I quit trying to compare myself to others and start to identify I see how much overwhelmingly I am more alike than different than most people. I meet myself in 2012 and I see why most people like me. Its for the same reasons I liked him right off the bat. Outwardly besides both being big guys not a lot similar. Characteristically very much alike. Good time Charlie, sensitive, quick with a joke, loyal, spiritual, philosophical, ect. Inwardly I think we share some of the same damage. Middle child syndrome of stable older successful brother successful stable younger sister crazy in the middle, abandonment issues, separation from or children, ill at ease with physical self, bad choices with ex's, and of course addiction which is what brought us to the dance in the first place. I've long decided that if I ever get a tombstone my epitaph would read " Here lies Tomas. Easy to love, hard to like". Fits this guy as well.
Its easy to love us both for all the good things we are but its hard as hell to like us for all the crap we pull in our lives. I had caught a big resentment against him over the last year for crap he pulled and the ramifications that came from it. When I first met him I got a lot of hope from him. He seemed to have found that special something to get the life I wanted despite the built in deficiencies. Good solid relationship, self supportive through work, nice stuff finally, good relationships with others, connection with God, grateful as all get out, respected, seemed to work a good program for example. Then the real acid test of life took place and stuff went sideways in a real quick fashion. My mom said to me words I find more profound and true the longer I live "We love other for the strengths they possess but grow to hate them for not using them."
I grew to hate him for his gratefulness that disappeared in the hard times. His narcissism, bouts of depression as well as mania, selfishness, justification, being a victim. I hated him for the all the reasons I hate myself sometimes. Where had his strength gone? Where was his connection to God? Why couldn't he stay sober? He spoke all the right words before why didn't he just shake it off?
The thing I was most disgusted with him is how much his stability was equally proportionate to the relationship status to the woman in his life at the time. If things were good with her things were flipping fantastic with him. If they were rocky he was in a hole beyond hope. The symbiotic parasitic codependency of this guy was off the charts! I hadn't seen such insanity since well since I looked in the mirror if I was going to be honest. To overcome my resentment of him I had to overcome the resentment of myself for being cut from the exact same cloth. I had to forgive myself for trading my sobriety, my god, my safety, my happiness, my stability for the love of a woman in 2006.
I had done the exact same thing all my life basing my happiness off my partner. I had done it for all the same reasons. Loneliness, fear, need of approval, no self esteem top the list but it boils down to I was uncomfortable with myself and God. All those things that I was supposed to go to God to get I was afraid so I just took to people that couldn't give it to me. I would either put on my captain save a ho cape to save her hoping to vicariously heal myself through her recovery. Or the other extreme find someone I could submit my life to in hopes that they could run it better than I could. The benevolent dominator or the victim. Either way I found myself sucking out everything out of people until they just had to cut me loose to save themselves from my bottomless pit. Then when it inevitably self destructed then I was Icarus fell trying to fly with a good woman and my wings melted under her glow. The other half of the time I was Dante who only willing plunged deep into Hell's depths to rescue her. I was so pissed at this guy I had respected so much being so stupid. Why couldn't he just be ok being alone for at least a month hell two weeks? Then I look back at my own track record and oh why couldn't I for so long?
Its hard to maintain rigorous honesty and a resentment against someone else for doing the same crap your doing. When I take the focus off my very little story in my head and try to be the huge dramatic story God is telling I see the role I'm playing isn't always the role I'm supposed to be playing at all. A love story of God's restoration set against a backdrop of a fallen world at war is how John Edlridge describes it and I like that. Joseph Campbell says there are really only 7 archetypes of people in the world and we all represent a subtype mixture of them at different points in our lives. I agree and rejoice in being the subtype today. It gives me a point of reference of where I was, where I am, and where I will go based on my choices how to respond to a changing life. In ten years I will hopefully have another photo of me and a group of guys who are sharing a life of pilgrims on the road to happy destiny. Chances are that it will be a different group of guys because everyone is moving at their own pace including myself. I wont be the same guy in the same place when the picture is taken. A snowflake doesn't start out beautiful it starts as a piece of debris floating in the sky that God takes and attaches water molecules to. As it gains weight it loses altitude. The minuscule amount of the water bonds to the debris and crystalize into something beautiful as a after effect.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Katefish
As found in Dictionary.com:
As found in Urban Dictionary:
catfish
At home she lives on a small stipend of disability from the government because she has been determined by doctors unable to hold down a job due to her bipolar depression. At home her support system was monthly visits to a medical doctor on going physical ailments, a psychiatrist for ongoing psychiatric meds since she wasn't stable enough not to be seen monthly, A psychologist for therapy for a host of issues way before she met me. In the months that we lived together she switched her antidepressant and added birth control for the first time in her life into the chemical cocktail she took daily. That's not bad mouthing just plain facts of how she had been able to find a lifestyle where she was "happy".
When she moved in she continued her medications but that was the end of any support she put into her life in general but specifically dealing with bipolar depression. Of course things are all my fault Im the only person she interacted with really! What I love about my church is they have a rotating staff of pastors who teach on Sundays. The senior pastor Patrick admits that he struggles with sarcasm as much as Scott struggles with intellectualism or Erik with speaking to passionate. They all teach the word of God but each has their own voice where it comes through. I'm not stable by any means for any lengths of time without the use of my support system. Going to meetings, church, meds, work, time with friends multiple sets in fact! I need therapy in doing service for others. I need to do really anything but sit on my butt isolating from life at my house. If you just choose to listen to my smart ass mouth then anyone would get tired of it quickly.
I feel I was catfished because the woman I thought I knew dealt with her issues in her own way. But the girl that showed up didn't do a darn thing for herself and fell apart before me. I did the best I could but really that's WAY beyond my skill set.
cat·fish
[kat-fish] Show IPA
noun, plural ( especially collectively ) cat·fish ( especially referring to two or more kinds or species ) cat·fish·es.
1.
any of the numerous fishes of the order or suborder Nematognathi (or Siluroidei), characterized by barbels around the mouth and the absence of scales.
2.
a wolffish of the genus Anarhichas.
3.
any of various other fishes having a fancied resemblance to a cat.
As found in Urban Dictionary:
catfish
A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!
or
I was really falling for that gorgeous gal on Facebook, but she turned out to be a catfish.
or
I was really falling for that gorgeous gal on Facebook, but she turned out to be a catfish.
By her own confession this girl I was recently with was a catfish long before she met me. She was lonely and pulled the old photo bait and switch to with this kid she met online.
I mean I watch the series on MTV called Catfish but never really thought it went on until I met her. No her picture was the same online as in life when she got here but facts started chipping away. For example, One of the things that was attractive was the long term sobriety she had. Oh wait she never was a alcoholic she just went to meetings for years claiming it because her therapist told her to.
Oh yes she was very active in helping young people pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ like hers but in reality hadn't been in church in years.
I don't want to be that way so I usually present myself even more of a ass then normal. All my worst history is public knowledge I invite people to look at it. I make more of my insanity, sarcasm, negativity, perversion, thieving, lying ways really just to over prepare people. I'm a broken man not a saint and never want to act like I am to any one. I'll never be country club material but far from being in a biker gang. I'm just me I'm just Tomas.
I have a laundry list of things I wish God would just snap his finger and fix. There's probably a list most people around me have they wish God would fix as well. No I don't live transparent with everyone because that would be stupid. But I do with a few people so I can stay as sane as I know how to be. The rest get a basic overview.
When I say I go insane to you sometimes that translate to even though under medical care following directives medications react differently with individuals chemistry that sometimes I suffer from out breaks of symptoms . It doesn't mean I'm insane.
When I tell you I'm sarcastic that means my sense of humor is usually not PG-13 and sometimes down right offensive. If you have thin skin or keep young sheltered kids around you should choose not to be around me. Doesn't mean if you tell me you think its inappropriate right now I wont shut my mouth right away.
At home she lives on a small stipend of disability from the government because she has been determined by doctors unable to hold down a job due to her bipolar depression. At home her support system was monthly visits to a medical doctor on going physical ailments, a psychiatrist for ongoing psychiatric meds since she wasn't stable enough not to be seen monthly, A psychologist for therapy for a host of issues way before she met me. In the months that we lived together she switched her antidepressant and added birth control for the first time in her life into the chemical cocktail she took daily. That's not bad mouthing just plain facts of how she had been able to find a lifestyle where she was "happy".
When she moved in she continued her medications but that was the end of any support she put into her life in general but specifically dealing with bipolar depression. Of course things are all my fault Im the only person she interacted with really! What I love about my church is they have a rotating staff of pastors who teach on Sundays. The senior pastor Patrick admits that he struggles with sarcasm as much as Scott struggles with intellectualism or Erik with speaking to passionate. They all teach the word of God but each has their own voice where it comes through. I'm not stable by any means for any lengths of time without the use of my support system. Going to meetings, church, meds, work, time with friends multiple sets in fact! I need therapy in doing service for others. I need to do really anything but sit on my butt isolating from life at my house. If you just choose to listen to my smart ass mouth then anyone would get tired of it quickly.
I feel I was catfished because the woman I thought I knew dealt with her issues in her own way. But the girl that showed up didn't do a darn thing for herself and fell apart before me. I did the best I could but really that's WAY beyond my skill set.
Monday, June 16, 2014
You can bring the girl to Texas but you cant make her happy
As a disclaimer I was going to call this Chemistry of a Car Crash after the amazing song the same titled song by The Shiny Toys Guns but seemed sacrilegious in a way. But incase you don't know it...
But then I saw this
Confessing is part of the sanctification process and aids Christians in dealing with sin and healing from it. James 5:16 says, ”Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”
I recently got out of a relationship. How serious of one is still being found out if it was real then we will still be friends. If it was infatuation out of sight will lead to out of mind out of heart.
But that's neither really here or there what's important now is just today what brought me here and what will I do today to take me where I want to be tomorrow.
So the good thing I'm walking away with most is even if it failed miserably I was still willing and able to participate. That's great take away. I was able move past Peggy's death into a actually healthy honest relationship for the first time in almost three years! That's huge progress in any account. All the others were really half hearted selfish emotionless social paradigms where all I was just a taker either by actively taking from them or passively parasitically from them taking from me.
Progress can be marked by her being or possessing most of the traits I wanted for someone to be in my life. I didn't settle for denial of or minimization of her inherent flaws. Going in I knew basically all the facts and accepted them wide eyed and openly. Now that's like saying I knew I was going to Vietnam but the whole war thing was a lot more intense than I anticipated.
Why didn't things work out? Because with the divorce rate of married couples being over 50% under the best of circumstances two emotionally screwed up people have to work harder than hell to submit to the will of God to stand a chance.
While none of that justifies me being a sarcastic horses ass it doesn't condemn me either. I'm a sane man who sometimes does insane things. I react normally to abnormal situations. I might not of acted in the best of manner looking back after the fact but I acted like a champ controlling a skid in a wall
But then I saw this
I recently got out of a relationship. How serious of one is still being found out if it was real then we will still be friends. If it was infatuation out of sight will lead to out of mind out of heart.
But that's neither really here or there what's important now is just today what brought me here and what will I do today to take me where I want to be tomorrow.
So the good thing I'm walking away with most is even if it failed miserably I was still willing and able to participate. That's great take away. I was able move past Peggy's death into a actually healthy honest relationship for the first time in almost three years! That's huge progress in any account. All the others were really half hearted selfish emotionless social paradigms where all I was just a taker either by actively taking from them or passively parasitically from them taking from me.
Progress can be marked by her being or possessing most of the traits I wanted for someone to be in my life. I didn't settle for denial of or minimization of her inherent flaws. Going in I knew basically all the facts and accepted them wide eyed and openly. Now that's like saying I knew I was going to Vietnam but the whole war thing was a lot more intense than I anticipated.
Why didn't things work out? Because with the divorce rate of married couples being over 50% under the best of circumstances two emotionally screwed up people have to work harder than hell to submit to the will of God to stand a chance.
- Skipped church the Sunday before. Not a good idea because even if I know something I need to be reminded what to do and when to do it.
- Skipped the Sunday meeting in it self not so bad but with scheduling I hadn't been able to make normal amount of meetings. They are like oil changes for my head and if I go to long Ill blow my head gasket.
- Had a great game but spiked with unspoken social anxiety and went home mentally exhausted
- Didn't eat right causing blood sugar spikes
- personal anxiety over emotionally charged anniversaries fast approaching such as estranged daughter Victoria's birthday, fathers day, vacation to Memphis, sobriety birthday
- work issues on my mind surrounding finances for day to day living as well as vacation plans
- car not running loss of independence
- regular bipolar running on the back burner
- changing weather patterns causing barometric pressures to surge causing migraine to form
While none of that justifies me being a sarcastic horses ass it doesn't condemn me either. I'm a sane man who sometimes does insane things. I react normally to abnormal situations. I might not of acted in the best of manner looking back after the fact but I acted like a champ controlling a skid in a wall
- didn't raise my hands in violence
- didn't try to stuff, deny, or minimize my feelings
- voiced my unsafe thoughts in a safe manner to a safe person I thought
- followed doctors directions with medications
- followed sponsors advice to play the tape out, to do just the next right thing
- followed spiritual mentor to be still until told by God to move
- didn't trash any of her possessions she left
- didn't get drunk, high, laid, buy shiny stuff, over eat or anything else to find relief except stay uncomfortable until the feelings passed
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Porcupines make horrible snuggle buddies
Some times after a fight you just have to giggle at the truth that falls out.
"I know your not drinking but you are acting like a alcoholic"
Um.. Yes? Spend any length of time with me and you will hera me say "Hi my names Tomas and I'm a alcoholic" in meetings. I don't believe I suddenly became a alcoholic the very first purposely taken drink of Crown Royal from Derrick Freemans moms stash. I think that's when the allergy first kicked in but way before then I had been hardwired with a alcoholic mind for a operating system.
I'm not blaming my genetics they didn't have a say in their faulty design. I don't blame my parents for their raising of me better than their active or dry alcoholic parents. I can accept that I am a alcoholic deep down in my bones cheerfully because If I accept the disease I can accept that recovery is possible hand in hand.
Its as ludicrous to say your acting like a fallen man because you still sin. Your acting like a bipolar man because you still swing emotionally. Your still a diabetic because your blood sugar still spikes after eating cake. Why yes even though I pray, take antidepressants, and take metformin as directed by medical and spiritual professionals there is and always will be outbreaks. The most I can do is treat the symptoms of the disease and never forget I will always have the disease.
Thank God for all of the pioneers who came before me who made recovery possible! After rolling with Jesus Peter denies him outright and is welcomed back. The mental patients I see pictures of in filth and disregard in asylums who just suffered without a clue till someone said here's a pill that will help most of the time and they had the courage to walk out and be members of society. All the men who just fell asleep and never woke up from diabetic comas till insulin was introduced.
I can look back and say the train was rolling by the time it picked up steam Sunday night at Dinner Sunday dealing with those idiots. It was flying high when I laid down with some growing discontent. Puffing smoke when I woke up late Monday with a headache and a sore back. a boost of fear and powerlessness when my battery was dead and I had to get to work and Zoe to school. The brakes had shaken off by the time the first text came in by the morons calling me on my phone. Of course a train wreck was inventible without a divine act. I didn't ask for one and rode that beast right into the wall.
But here's the kicker the story doesn't have to end there! That's the great part of being a alcoholic there's a program showing how more hopeless and more desperate people than me fully recovered to height never imagined directly due to their train wrecks.
Act one is the fall and unfortunately most people check out at that point. Act two is God rebuilding the fallen most people cant handle the middle because they just cant believe. Act three is the restored man but that isn't happening on this side of reality I believe. Until then we are at best broken machines needing daily repair by a master craftsman in Act two.
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 by Paul the apostle (not the Beatle)
"I know your not drinking but you are acting like a alcoholic"
Um.. Yes? Spend any length of time with me and you will hera me say "Hi my names Tomas and I'm a alcoholic" in meetings. I don't believe I suddenly became a alcoholic the very first purposely taken drink of Crown Royal from Derrick Freemans moms stash. I think that's when the allergy first kicked in but way before then I had been hardwired with a alcoholic mind for a operating system.
I'm not blaming my genetics they didn't have a say in their faulty design. I don't blame my parents for their raising of me better than their active or dry alcoholic parents. I can accept that I am a alcoholic deep down in my bones cheerfully because If I accept the disease I can accept that recovery is possible hand in hand.
Its as ludicrous to say your acting like a fallen man because you still sin. Your acting like a bipolar man because you still swing emotionally. Your still a diabetic because your blood sugar still spikes after eating cake. Why yes even though I pray, take antidepressants, and take metformin as directed by medical and spiritual professionals there is and always will be outbreaks. The most I can do is treat the symptoms of the disease and never forget I will always have the disease.
Thank God for all of the pioneers who came before me who made recovery possible! After rolling with Jesus Peter denies him outright and is welcomed back. The mental patients I see pictures of in filth and disregard in asylums who just suffered without a clue till someone said here's a pill that will help most of the time and they had the courage to walk out and be members of society. All the men who just fell asleep and never woke up from diabetic comas till insulin was introduced.
I can look back and say the train was rolling by the time it picked up steam Sunday night at Dinner Sunday dealing with those idiots. It was flying high when I laid down with some growing discontent. Puffing smoke when I woke up late Monday with a headache and a sore back. a boost of fear and powerlessness when my battery was dead and I had to get to work and Zoe to school. The brakes had shaken off by the time the first text came in by the morons calling me on my phone. Of course a train wreck was inventible without a divine act. I didn't ask for one and rode that beast right into the wall.
But here's the kicker the story doesn't have to end there! That's the great part of being a alcoholic there's a program showing how more hopeless and more desperate people than me fully recovered to height never imagined directly due to their train wrecks.
Act one is the fall and unfortunately most people check out at that point. Act two is God rebuilding the fallen most people cant handle the middle because they just cant believe. Act three is the restored man but that isn't happening on this side of reality I believe. Until then we are at best broken machines needing daily repair by a master craftsman in Act two.
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 by Paul the apostle (not the Beatle)
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Terms and Conditions
I try and make it a point to tell people that I'm insane right from the get go. If I plan on spending any amount of time with someone be it work, social, or whatever I want them to know what to expect. Its like when you add in new software that you cant go forward with out hitting accept on the terms and conditions. The terms and conditions is a lot fine print that defines the nature of the relationship between the company and you as the end user.
When I tell people honestly that I'm insane the most common response is me to. Which is completely true and I get it like one inmate to another in a mental asylum. So when I act insane I wish I could just remind them of the terms and conditions they signed way back when I act crazy.
There is the manic-depressive type, who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written. AA Big Book p. XXX
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. -AA Big Book p. 58
50% of the time my brain chemistry is cool. 10% of the time my mind is winding up for a manic run. I'm ok just little agitated and excited than normal. 10% of the time my mind is unraveling towards depression. It's just a little more down and listless than normal. 15% I'm flying high as grand as a king. All life is glitter and sparkles the song of life is my a collection of my all time favorites. Then the song s start playing all over each other. The cacophony becomes so loud the sound becomes liquid that threatens to drown me. 15% of the time I'm Icarus who has flown to close to the sun melting the wax holding my feathers I painstakingly put together to make my escape and falls from the sky into the cold ocean waters. The song of life loses the station and distorts into garbled messages of untruth and static to a point where I just want to turn the radio off finally.
Now if my life was perfect I would be able to take a calendar out and plot out my cycle of insanity to plan my life out accordingly. Like a woman planning her vacation to the beach can look at a calendar and make sure she's going to be able to wear a bikini or move the vacation accordingly. Life isn't as easy because my cycle has no rhyme or reason. manic days can strike out of no where then the next day I cant go to work because I have no desire to move at all. Then I'm totally normal day after. The only way I can tell what I felt is by examining the wreckage of the previous day. I check my bank statement online and see that rent money was spent the day before on a spree for shiny stuff like a mad hatter. Or I realize I didn't go to work yesterday or even call in. The worst feeling is when I realize who isn't in my life anymore because I was just to much to handle or I cut out to isolate. In my family when you gut your Facebook list or any stupid thing emotionally, Its called pulling a Tomas.
Truth is if I could just stay in either a full on Manic or Depressive mode for a 100% instead of a combined 30% I would prefer it greatly! One or the other even a balanced mixed Id be cool with. Its like being trapped on a yoyo string the ends don't bother me its the damn middle where I realize how far off I am. I've been off and on medication since 2004 during my last forced vacation to a mental institution for mixed results. I' have been consistent with my current dosages and 50% might not seem all right but its the best I think I've ever been.
Now on top of that I am still just as normally jacked up dealing with my sin, immaturity, alcoholism, several concussions, migraines, laziness, allergies, family drama, etc. I totally get when people walk away from me. I'm a handful to deal with.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
It takes a lot of balls to find Cinderella
I was thinking about relationships here lately. Mine as well as those around me. I've never been great at them but have been really rocked at the dissolution of a good number of marriages that seemed so rock steady in the past 16 months or so. You cant judge a book by its cover I know from back when but all the reviews seemed like they were legit.
Zoe and I were talking about Cinderella today afterschool at the park and it really got me to think about Prince Charming. He was just a guy doing his normal day to day thing. I mean he had literally hundreds of balls under his belt by his age. Seen lots of beautiful women, intellectual women, artistic women, poetic women, graceful, short, blonde, brunette, etc.. There wasn't any girl he really hadn't encountered. Until the one night Cinderella came by and there was the connection.
Then once he found her he went through the entire kingdom to the last girl in Cinderella. Everyone that he slip a shoe on he hoped was the right one despite the obvious. He didn't limit his search to white blonds 5'9 to 5'10 105 pounds c cups. No the story makes a point that he took that slipper door to door and no matter what if you didn't have a penis you tried the shoe on. I think that's really poignant. Old ass stepmother got a try as much as Cinderella got a try. he knew exactly what he wanted and gave everyone a fair shot. Even after he went through half the kingdom he didn't sway from his purpose.
I tend to think about Cinderella as a girls story but really I dig it as a guys story now. Everyone that I slipped the proverbial slipper to that didn't work out it was for a reason. It just wasn't the right fit and no matter how I squished her foot into the slipper it wasn't meant to be. Even if they were cool stumbling around in it cutting up her foot leaving a bloody trail behind that doesn't make it all right. It fits or it doesn't. Nothing was wrong with Prince charming or any of the other women for that matter the slipper simply didn't fit.
Zoe and I were talking about Cinderella today afterschool at the park and it really got me to think about Prince Charming. He was just a guy doing his normal day to day thing. I mean he had literally hundreds of balls under his belt by his age. Seen lots of beautiful women, intellectual women, artistic women, poetic women, graceful, short, blonde, brunette, etc.. There wasn't any girl he really hadn't encountered. Until the one night Cinderella came by and there was the connection.
Then once he found her he went through the entire kingdom to the last girl in Cinderella. Everyone that he slip a shoe on he hoped was the right one despite the obvious. He didn't limit his search to white blonds 5'9 to 5'10 105 pounds c cups. No the story makes a point that he took that slipper door to door and no matter what if you didn't have a penis you tried the shoe on. I think that's really poignant. Old ass stepmother got a try as much as Cinderella got a try. he knew exactly what he wanted and gave everyone a fair shot. Even after he went through half the kingdom he didn't sway from his purpose.
I tend to think about Cinderella as a girls story but really I dig it as a guys story now. Everyone that I slipped the proverbial slipper to that didn't work out it was for a reason. It just wasn't the right fit and no matter how I squished her foot into the slipper it wasn't meant to be. Even if they were cool stumbling around in it cutting up her foot leaving a bloody trail behind that doesn't make it all right. It fits or it doesn't. Nothing was wrong with Prince charming or any of the other women for that matter the slipper simply didn't fit.
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