You know that horse you see in the cartoons? The one who is balls out ahead as soon as the gates open up looping the other horses only to trip at the end to wind up in a hole his momentuem dug for him. Thats me today. So close to the finishing line and bam, epic failure.
The Enemy must be bored because it feels like it has been open season all day long. I'm still reeling from bible study class getting into my wound so i'm half cocked emotionally vunerable. Half my presciption drugs are gone missing. If people would of asked they would of been freely given but not knowing is the rub. The house we were supposed to be moved into tonight still no where near done. of course its a friend instead of some nameless stranger so it stings. I hang pictures knowing in a weeks time all my efforts for naught because they'll be moved anyway. I put up all the pictures of my girls I dont get to see and get eaten up by loliness.Go home and in two hours go to work planning to move my crap out when I get off.
Then work is hell. The worst selections of the crew are on duty with me. Why cant we have a Thunderdome to deal with work politics, just to settle them quickly? I'm the new guy so anything wrong gets blamed on me real or not. Then the new pretty young waitress with the bhose big brown eyes flutter their eyelashes and called me Tommy. I name I have craved to be called since forever and by a woman to. A guy I give rides home to asks me to go to the local strip joint on him tonight after work. He wants to go but doesnt have a ride so he'll pay my cover and buy the booze since I'm broke as hell. Plus a friend of his came by and dropped of a sack of extra curicular pharmacuticials. No reason to go home, new girl to woo, a all expense paid trip to naughty town with booze and party favors to boot! Play some Buckcherry and it would be just what I needed tonight to get my mind off things.
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life” Proverbs 4:23
So I sit here car unpacked, sober as a judge, yelling at my kid to get back in bed, alone. I could all those things if i was willing to pay the cost. The humiliation, the debasement, the hangover, that gutter feeling I get when I sell out who I want to be when it all wears off. I'd like to say "wow Im being the man God want me to be" but in all honestly its a active act of choice rather than joyus sacrifice of earthly pleasures to get closer to God. Eldredge has this great thought in fathered by God that runs through my mind, after things are so messed up mind you, is that the favorite combat tatic of the enemy is the dogpile. death by a thousand tiny cuts versus a single stab wound I can see coming and avoid. Is it just serendipity the that roller coaster of disapointment and anger happened to come before the illicit invatations? Nope. Its a smallpox infested blanket after driving me into the cold.
I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautful life.
-Darryl Worley
Sometimes at least. I'll go lay down till I hear Zoe's door open up and hear her run into my room full speed eyes half closed looking to snuggle. I'll gaurd my heart like a ninja and hopefully catch it earlier and dring deply from the wellsprings.
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