Houses

So last night was the first night in the new house. It's weird how someone can feel about a house like its a person. Ive only every really had one other place to myself. It was not the greatest of places from the outside. Not many would of wanted to live there when I first moved in. It had been trashed by a crackhead. Honestly it wasnt my first choice but I needed out of where I was and it was avalible. After 3 months my roomate left Texas and his mom basically said please stay and fix it how you want it to be. It became my first place I could lay down some of my own real roots. They got ripped up from the ground when we were forced to move and it hurt. We moved to a "nicer" house that had so many things the little house didnt but it was never a home to me.

I think thats how I see relationships to like a house. Is it better to be more comfortable in the big house with all the ammenities or free and simple in the little house? I dont care about comfort or looks I look for safety. Central A/C doest make you put on a little as possible to reveal God's design of someones skin. Cental heating discourages cuddeling actually. The ability to allow someone in because you want to is awesome versus never knowing who will be coming through.

I can see why some people think Im crazy and would rather live in a place on MTV's Cribs instead of a little house like mine. It takes alot more effort to keep repairing something older than just buying new. They dont want to put in the effort. they dont want to learn how to fix plumbing or patch walls. They cant see the potential of things to come if they stick it out. How they can look back with pride and call this place a home because they made it one.

I have fallen into the earlier catagory most of my life. Looking for relationships that required little of me to put any work into. I would move from one to another like people jump apartments. I live in a apartment of a marrige for 9 years where everything was prefab roles. We lived by the rules of others and couldnt paint our walls any other colors. You can only look at those white walls for so long before your dying to see a color any color. But it was safe and easy so I lived there and died there.

Now I live in another little house and desire so strong to put down roots again. I can put out my little treasures and remember the good time. Sadly humans can remember the bad times so much easir than the good. I collect little worthless things to other people that mean the world to me. A blanket that hung over the bed when one of my daughters was concieved. I loved pulling that out today. A card from a lover who froze a bit of love in time just by writing it down. A frayed yellow strip of welcome home tape. Yes I was home and it was good to be back. A photograph of the first moment I really belived someone was falling in love with me. These are my treasures dispalye dproudly for all to see.

I feel so alive again. I think when your are removed from the things that remind you of who you really are you become come someone else. I can breath deeply again. Its freedom Im breathing in and it crisp and its clean and damn refreashing. It doesnt release the fear I have of starting out from the ground up yet again but its a silent comfert that I can do it. I like me but I dint like who I was becoming. Its like taking a lion and placing him in a zoo. He because just a chariture of who he is. He no longer hunts because food is delivered. He no longer mates unless they allow him to. He lies on the concrete made to look natural and waits to die. The bars dont make the cage as much as the knowledge that this isnt what he was ment to be.

My prayer for this house is idenitical to the one for my own soul. I know God has planted good seed deep in me that will bear good fruit. One day this house will be where I want it to be. Both projects require a immense amount of work. Cool I can do that. They harder parst is realizing it will take time to grow. Lord help me bit my tounge just one time less today or place one more nail than yesterday. I will grow such good fruit if only I allow my self time to grow and not allow my self or others to chop my fragile stalk. Right now I sway in the smallest of winds. One day i will be the stoughtest of oaks that hurricanes cant bend. This house will be so awesome and the memories I will make here will overflow my cup. Effort and time.