Healing blows

“It is possible to move a mountain by carrying away small stones.” – Chinese Proverb

Chewing a cud is a process by which some animals, called ruminants (camels, goats, sheep, deer, and cattle), thoroughly digest their food.

The cow, for example, has a stomach organized into sections to take care of hard-to-digest food. When the cow first takes in food, it chews it just enough to moisten it. Once swallowed, the food goes to the stomach’s first section, where it is mixed with chemicals and softened. This softened food is called the cud, small balls of food.

Next, the stomach’s muscles send the cud back up to the cow’s mouth, where it is re-chewed and swallowed again, this time going to another section of the stomach, where moisture is squeezed out of the cud.

Finally, the food enters the last section of the stomach, the true stomach, where digestive juices mix with the food and start it on its way to the intestine to be completely digested. - Animal Planet

How does healing take place? Working through this book and talking about God healing me and man it's rougher thinking about healing than it was about the wound. I have had years of figuring out how to live with my wound. How to make it work, to survive with, to get by with it.

The truth of it of why is so hard to let it be healed, it has became part of my identity. I have worn glasses since the 3rd week of the 6th grade. I cant imagine what I would look like without them. I know I can get say lasik eye surgery and just not worry about glasses anymore. The anxiety I feel doing anything rough where they could get broke! The thought of having to again wrap electrical tape to mend another set of frame sends shivers down my spine. The way I feel paranoid when I take them off when I go swimming deters my enjoyment in a new pool. While there is healing available I dont actively seek it.

I romanticize my wound that it made me strong. I minimize it saying it didn't really matter being so long ago. I deny it saying it only such a big wound then because I was so small and didn't understand. I feel guilt even thinking about it as even a real wound because how good life is now. Why bitch about stuff years ago when I have been so blessed today and know I will be countined to be blessed tomorrow, right? because damn if someways it still hurts like hell.

Because everyday I dont deal with it I block off what I could be. My piece of crap duct taped bookcase cant hold anything of real weight. The books of knowledge I could be learning wont hold. The photo books of memories I could be having are to heavy. Forget trophy's won because theres no place to put them. I try every trick in my book to fix it but I can only do so much. So I just learn to live with it.

Then I go around other guys and see their bookcases and realize how crappy my bookcase is and go to town again reworking all my old bag of tricks and get the same damn leaning bookcase. So what can you do if you want a stable bookcase, you go to a carpenter. He knows how to rebuild shelves, reinforce joints, how to stain the right color to make the wood shine for example. But he wont start working like any other professional without my say so and without payment.

Like any good professional you can see his add but what really gets you to hire him is word of mouth. If he did work for family or friends This Jewish carpenter has allot of good word of mouth and when I really looked at his work I was really impressed. I doubted he could fix my bookcase but thought I would take a chance. So I started hanging around his shop and he finally said "If you would only bring that worn failing bookcase to me I could fix it up."  So I finally say sure.

 Jesus doesn't want to fix us though he wants to restore us. which is a lot more than  was looking for! He takes us deep into those wounds and restores us there. Not just slaps a patch over it then paints it so it looks good like I would of done. But that's the rub isn't it, he is going to do it his way not ours. I know those pains and that's why I run from them. The only way it works is to get in there dig out the bullet as it where.

Healing is a long term project, sigh. Billy told me all the time "How do you eat the elephant? One bite at a time. Any more than that and you will choke yourself out."