“It is possible to move a mountain by carrying away small stones.” – Chinese Proverb
Chewing a cud is a process by which some animals, called ruminants (camels, goats, sheep, deer, and cattle), thoroughly digest their food.
The cow, for example, has a stomach organized into sections to take care of hard-to-digest food. When the cow first takes in food, it chews it just enough to moisten it. Once swallowed, the food goes to the stomach’s first section, where it is mixed with chemicals and softened. This softened food is called the cud, small balls of food.
Next, the stomach’s muscles send the cud back up to the cow’s mouth, where it is re-chewed and swallowed again, this time going to another section of the stomach, where moisture is squeezed out of the cud.
Finally, the food enters the last section of the stomach, the true stomach, where digestive juices mix with the food and start it on its way to the intestine to be completely digested. - Animal Planet
How does healing take place? Working through this book and talking about God healing me and man it's rougher thinking about healing than it was about the wound. I have had years of figuring out how to live with my wound. How to make it work, to survive with, to get by with it.
The truth of it of why is so hard to let it be healed, it has became part of my identity. I have worn glasses since the 3rd week of the 6th grade. I cant imagine what I would look like without them. I know I can get say lasik eye surgery and just not worry about glasses anymore. The anxiety I feel doing anything rough where they could get broke! The thought of having to again wrap electrical tape to mend another set of frame sends shivers down my spine. The way I feel paranoid when I take them off when I go swimming deters my enjoyment in a new pool. While there is healing available I dont actively seek it.
I romanticize my wound that it made me strong. I minimize it saying it didn't really matter being so long ago. I deny it saying it only such a big wound then because I was so small and didn't understand. I feel guilt even thinking about it as even a real wound because how good life is now. Why bitch about stuff years ago when I have been so blessed today and know I will be countined to be blessed tomorrow, right? because damn if someways it still hurts like hell.
Because everyday I dont deal with it I block off what I could be. My piece of crap duct taped bookcase cant hold anything of real weight. The books of knowledge I could be learning wont hold. The photo books of memories I could be having are to heavy. Forget trophy's won because theres no place to put them. I try every trick in my book to fix it but I can only do so much. So I just learn to live with it.
Then I go around other guys and see their bookcases and realize how crappy my bookcase is and go to town again reworking all my old bag of tricks and get the same damn leaning bookcase. So what can you do if you want a stable bookcase, you go to a carpenter. He knows how to rebuild shelves, reinforce joints, how to stain the right color to make the wood shine for example. But he wont start working like any other professional without my say so and without payment.
Like any good professional you can see his add but what really gets you to hire him is word of mouth. If he did work for family or friends This Jewish carpenter has allot of good word of mouth and when I really looked at his work I was really impressed. I doubted he could fix my bookcase but thought I would take a chance. So I started hanging around his shop and he finally said "If you would only bring that worn failing bookcase to me I could fix it up." So I finally say sure.
Jesus doesn't want to fix us though he wants to restore us. which is a lot more than was looking for! He takes us deep into those wounds and restores us there. Not just slaps a patch over it then paints it so it looks good like I would of done. But that's the rub isn't it, he is going to do it his way not ours. I know those pains and that's why I run from them. The only way it works is to get in there dig out the bullet as it where.
Healing is a long term project, sigh. Billy told me all the time "How do you eat the elephant? One bite at a time. Any more than that and you will choke yourself out."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Ikea furniture sucks
You know that feeling when you see a product in the store and it looks like something really useful so you buy it and rush home. You open the box and while you knew it doesnt come assembled, How hard could it be right? I mean Im a smart guy and can figure out most things and if all else fails there is a set of instructions.
But once you look at everything and start working nothing seems to snap together or slide in and lock like it should. You finally look at the instructions but they are in Chinese, French, Arabic, Mexican, and Portuguese and no pictures.
My life lately I feel like is that. I have all these parts and I knew what the picture of what its supposed to look like on the box but how to get it there is vastly separated. Im gaining a few more tools in my tool box besides my big hammer of anger but not sure when to use them. I love the hammer because it works, doesnt it? Hammer it till it does. Wont slide into place? Pow, that wont move again. Stuck and wont come out? Bam, it's suddenly free.
So hows that working out for me? I have alot of furniture that you have to be real careful with, they arent as sturdy as they should be and could rip apart easy. I'm trying to put together a life based on this Bible and I think I'm doing it all wrong. I get into a fight with my wife and we call it quits and I go to work where theres rules to follow. I know thats wrong so I call home let her know Im coming home. I feel so good just to decide to to something different and fight for not in my marriage. That's the instructions right? I go home to plant a flag that no matter what it's just us together for forever. No walking away no stuffing feelings, no compromises just bold love like God loves us. But rejection turns to embarrassment turns to anger, and I'm out the door. Somehow my new bookcase has crooked shelves.
I go to find a job and am completely honest on my application about my expectations and what Im willing to put in. I get hired on with them expecting 55-60 hours of their random choosing in exchange for me getting 8 hours off of my set choosing. The schedule comes out Sunday for the next week and my promised time off is gone. I ask to speak to the person in charge and they blow me off. I go into work with a poisoned mind but really calm down and cleanse my thinking. I mean I know Im a good worker, they need people, and in black ink on my application they knew when I could and couldnt work right? It's just a simple oversight and not a personal attack. So I pray and go in there to talk about it and hell breaks loose. They explode defensively all over me. I am dumbfounded and have no clue about what this is about. Hell I went in there willing to work the extra hours because there was probably a reason for it and just want to stand up for myself where my boundaries were. I dont even get a chance to get angry before Im shown the door. All of a sudden I have a entertainment center that cant support my tv.
The message Im getting is life would be so much easier/better if I just keep my mouth shut, swallow everything they toss my way because eating scraps is better than going hungry. That broken part of me knows thats the truth. But a small piece of me remembers Billy telling me that God has prepared a banquet for me and waits for me to get off the floor fighting for crumbs and to take my chair beside him as a guest of honor. If I am Gods beloved son who he delights in why cant anyone else see that? Bold loves that rescues the brokenhearted sounds really good but I got slaughtered on the field. Knowing my worth losses my job.
I just really desk that doesnt lean.
But once you look at everything and start working nothing seems to snap together or slide in and lock like it should. You finally look at the instructions but they are in Chinese, French, Arabic, Mexican, and Portuguese and no pictures.
My life lately I feel like is that. I have all these parts and I knew what the picture of what its supposed to look like on the box but how to get it there is vastly separated. Im gaining a few more tools in my tool box besides my big hammer of anger but not sure when to use them. I love the hammer because it works, doesnt it? Hammer it till it does. Wont slide into place? Pow, that wont move again. Stuck and wont come out? Bam, it's suddenly free.
So hows that working out for me? I have alot of furniture that you have to be real careful with, they arent as sturdy as they should be and could rip apart easy. I'm trying to put together a life based on this Bible and I think I'm doing it all wrong. I get into a fight with my wife and we call it quits and I go to work where theres rules to follow. I know thats wrong so I call home let her know Im coming home. I feel so good just to decide to to something different and fight for not in my marriage. That's the instructions right? I go home to plant a flag that no matter what it's just us together for forever. No walking away no stuffing feelings, no compromises just bold love like God loves us. But rejection turns to embarrassment turns to anger, and I'm out the door. Somehow my new bookcase has crooked shelves.
I go to find a job and am completely honest on my application about my expectations and what Im willing to put in. I get hired on with them expecting 55-60 hours of their random choosing in exchange for me getting 8 hours off of my set choosing. The schedule comes out Sunday for the next week and my promised time off is gone. I ask to speak to the person in charge and they blow me off. I go into work with a poisoned mind but really calm down and cleanse my thinking. I mean I know Im a good worker, they need people, and in black ink on my application they knew when I could and couldnt work right? It's just a simple oversight and not a personal attack. So I pray and go in there to talk about it and hell breaks loose. They explode defensively all over me. I am dumbfounded and have no clue about what this is about. Hell I went in there willing to work the extra hours because there was probably a reason for it and just want to stand up for myself where my boundaries were. I dont even get a chance to get angry before Im shown the door. All of a sudden I have a entertainment center that cant support my tv.
The message Im getting is life would be so much easier/better if I just keep my mouth shut, swallow everything they toss my way because eating scraps is better than going hungry. That broken part of me knows thats the truth. But a small piece of me remembers Billy telling me that God has prepared a banquet for me and waits for me to get off the floor fighting for crumbs and to take my chair beside him as a guest of honor. If I am Gods beloved son who he delights in why cant anyone else see that? Bold loves that rescues the brokenhearted sounds really good but I got slaughtered on the field. Knowing my worth losses my job.
I just really desk that doesnt lean.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Houses
So last night was the first night in the new house. It's weird how someone can feel about a house like its a person. Ive only every really had one other place to myself. It was not the greatest of places from the outside. Not many would of wanted to live there when I first moved in. It had been trashed by a crackhead. Honestly it wasnt my first choice but I needed out of where I was and it was avalible. After 3 months my roomate left Texas and his mom basically said please stay and fix it how you want it to be. It became my first place I could lay down some of my own real roots. They got ripped up from the ground when we were forced to move and it hurt. We moved to a "nicer" house that had so many things the little house didnt but it was never a home to me.
I think thats how I see relationships to like a house. Is it better to be more comfortable in the big house with all the ammenities or free and simple in the little house? I dont care about comfort or looks I look for safety. Central A/C doest make you put on a little as possible to reveal God's design of someones skin. Cental heating discourages cuddeling actually. The ability to allow someone in because you want to is awesome versus never knowing who will be coming through.
I can see why some people think Im crazy and would rather live in a place on MTV's Cribs instead of a little house like mine. It takes alot more effort to keep repairing something older than just buying new. They dont want to put in the effort. they dont want to learn how to fix plumbing or patch walls. They cant see the potential of things to come if they stick it out. How they can look back with pride and call this place a home because they made it one.
I have fallen into the earlier catagory most of my life. Looking for relationships that required little of me to put any work into. I would move from one to another like people jump apartments. I live in a apartment of a marrige for 9 years where everything was prefab roles. We lived by the rules of others and couldnt paint our walls any other colors. You can only look at those white walls for so long before your dying to see a color any color. But it was safe and easy so I lived there and died there.
Now I live in another little house and desire so strong to put down roots again. I can put out my little treasures and remember the good time. Sadly humans can remember the bad times so much easir than the good. I collect little worthless things to other people that mean the world to me. A blanket that hung over the bed when one of my daughters was concieved. I loved pulling that out today. A card from a lover who froze a bit of love in time just by writing it down. A frayed yellow strip of welcome home tape. Yes I was home and it was good to be back. A photograph of the first moment I really belived someone was falling in love with me. These are my treasures dispalye dproudly for all to see.
I feel so alive again. I think when your are removed from the things that remind you of who you really are you become come someone else. I can breath deeply again. Its freedom Im breathing in and it crisp and its clean and damn refreashing. It doesnt release the fear I have of starting out from the ground up yet again but its a silent comfert that I can do it. I like me but I dint like who I was becoming. Its like taking a lion and placing him in a zoo. He because just a chariture of who he is. He no longer hunts because food is delivered. He no longer mates unless they allow him to. He lies on the concrete made to look natural and waits to die. The bars dont make the cage as much as the knowledge that this isnt what he was ment to be.
My prayer for this house is idenitical to the one for my own soul. I know God has planted good seed deep in me that will bear good fruit. One day this house will be where I want it to be. Both projects require a immense amount of work. Cool I can do that. They harder parst is realizing it will take time to grow. Lord help me bit my tounge just one time less today or place one more nail than yesterday. I will grow such good fruit if only I allow my self time to grow and not allow my self or others to chop my fragile stalk. Right now I sway in the smallest of winds. One day i will be the stoughtest of oaks that hurricanes cant bend. This house will be so awesome and the memories I will make here will overflow my cup. Effort and time.
I think thats how I see relationships to like a house. Is it better to be more comfortable in the big house with all the ammenities or free and simple in the little house? I dont care about comfort or looks I look for safety. Central A/C doest make you put on a little as possible to reveal God's design of someones skin. Cental heating discourages cuddeling actually. The ability to allow someone in because you want to is awesome versus never knowing who will be coming through.
I can see why some people think Im crazy and would rather live in a place on MTV's Cribs instead of a little house like mine. It takes alot more effort to keep repairing something older than just buying new. They dont want to put in the effort. they dont want to learn how to fix plumbing or patch walls. They cant see the potential of things to come if they stick it out. How they can look back with pride and call this place a home because they made it one.
I have fallen into the earlier catagory most of my life. Looking for relationships that required little of me to put any work into. I would move from one to another like people jump apartments. I live in a apartment of a marrige for 9 years where everything was prefab roles. We lived by the rules of others and couldnt paint our walls any other colors. You can only look at those white walls for so long before your dying to see a color any color. But it was safe and easy so I lived there and died there.
Now I live in another little house and desire so strong to put down roots again. I can put out my little treasures and remember the good time. Sadly humans can remember the bad times so much easir than the good. I collect little worthless things to other people that mean the world to me. A blanket that hung over the bed when one of my daughters was concieved. I loved pulling that out today. A card from a lover who froze a bit of love in time just by writing it down. A frayed yellow strip of welcome home tape. Yes I was home and it was good to be back. A photograph of the first moment I really belived someone was falling in love with me. These are my treasures dispalye dproudly for all to see.
I feel so alive again. I think when your are removed from the things that remind you of who you really are you become come someone else. I can breath deeply again. Its freedom Im breathing in and it crisp and its clean and damn refreashing. It doesnt release the fear I have of starting out from the ground up yet again but its a silent comfert that I can do it. I like me but I dint like who I was becoming. Its like taking a lion and placing him in a zoo. He because just a chariture of who he is. He no longer hunts because food is delivered. He no longer mates unless they allow him to. He lies on the concrete made to look natural and waits to die. The bars dont make the cage as much as the knowledge that this isnt what he was ment to be.
My prayer for this house is idenitical to the one for my own soul. I know God has planted good seed deep in me that will bear good fruit. One day this house will be where I want it to be. Both projects require a immense amount of work. Cool I can do that. They harder parst is realizing it will take time to grow. Lord help me bit my tounge just one time less today or place one more nail than yesterday. I will grow such good fruit if only I allow my self time to grow and not allow my self or others to chop my fragile stalk. Right now I sway in the smallest of winds. One day i will be the stoughtest of oaks that hurricanes cant bend. This house will be so awesome and the memories I will make here will overflow my cup. Effort and time.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Like a ninja!
You know that horse you see in the cartoons? The one who is balls out ahead as soon as the gates open up looping the other horses only to trip at the end to wind up in a hole his momentuem dug for him. Thats me today. So close to the finishing line and bam, epic failure.
The Enemy must be bored because it feels like it has been open season all day long. I'm still reeling from bible study class getting into my wound so i'm half cocked emotionally vunerable. Half my presciption drugs are gone missing. If people would of asked they would of been freely given but not knowing is the rub. The house we were supposed to be moved into tonight still no where near done. of course its a friend instead of some nameless stranger so it stings. I hang pictures knowing in a weeks time all my efforts for naught because they'll be moved anyway. I put up all the pictures of my girls I dont get to see and get eaten up by loliness.Go home and in two hours go to work planning to move my crap out when I get off.
Then work is hell. The worst selections of the crew are on duty with me. Why cant we have a Thunderdome to deal with work politics, just to settle them quickly? I'm the new guy so anything wrong gets blamed on me real or not. Then the new pretty young waitress with the bhose big brown eyes flutter their eyelashes and called me Tommy. I name I have craved to be called since forever and by a woman to. A guy I give rides home to asks me to go to the local strip joint on him tonight after work. He wants to go but doesnt have a ride so he'll pay my cover and buy the booze since I'm broke as hell. Plus a friend of his came by and dropped of a sack of extra curicular pharmacuticials. No reason to go home, new girl to woo, a all expense paid trip to naughty town with booze and party favors to boot! Play some Buckcherry and it would be just what I needed tonight to get my mind off things.
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life” Proverbs 4:23
So I sit here car unpacked, sober as a judge, yelling at my kid to get back in bed, alone. I could all those things if i was willing to pay the cost. The humiliation, the debasement, the hangover, that gutter feeling I get when I sell out who I want to be when it all wears off. I'd like to say "wow Im being the man God want me to be" but in all honestly its a active act of choice rather than joyus sacrifice of earthly pleasures to get closer to God. Eldredge has this great thought in fathered by God that runs through my mind, after things are so messed up mind you, is that the favorite combat tatic of the enemy is the dogpile. death by a thousand tiny cuts versus a single stab wound I can see coming and avoid. Is it just serendipity the that roller coaster of disapointment and anger happened to come before the illicit invatations? Nope. Its a smallpox infested blanket after driving me into the cold.
I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautful life.
-Darryl Worley
Sometimes at least. I'll go lay down till I hear Zoe's door open up and hear her run into my room full speed eyes half closed looking to snuggle. I'll gaurd my heart like a ninja and hopefully catch it earlier and dring deply from the wellsprings.
The Enemy must be bored because it feels like it has been open season all day long. I'm still reeling from bible study class getting into my wound so i'm half cocked emotionally vunerable. Half my presciption drugs are gone missing. If people would of asked they would of been freely given but not knowing is the rub. The house we were supposed to be moved into tonight still no where near done. of course its a friend instead of some nameless stranger so it stings. I hang pictures knowing in a weeks time all my efforts for naught because they'll be moved anyway. I put up all the pictures of my girls I dont get to see and get eaten up by loliness.Go home and in two hours go to work planning to move my crap out when I get off.
Then work is hell. The worst selections of the crew are on duty with me. Why cant we have a Thunderdome to deal with work politics, just to settle them quickly? I'm the new guy so anything wrong gets blamed on me real or not. Then the new pretty young waitress with the bhose big brown eyes flutter their eyelashes and called me Tommy. I name I have craved to be called since forever and by a woman to. A guy I give rides home to asks me to go to the local strip joint on him tonight after work. He wants to go but doesnt have a ride so he'll pay my cover and buy the booze since I'm broke as hell. Plus a friend of his came by and dropped of a sack of extra curicular pharmacuticials. No reason to go home, new girl to woo, a all expense paid trip to naughty town with booze and party favors to boot! Play some Buckcherry and it would be just what I needed tonight to get my mind off things.
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life” Proverbs 4:23
So I sit here car unpacked, sober as a judge, yelling at my kid to get back in bed, alone. I could all those things if i was willing to pay the cost. The humiliation, the debasement, the hangover, that gutter feeling I get when I sell out who I want to be when it all wears off. I'd like to say "wow Im being the man God want me to be" but in all honestly its a active act of choice rather than joyus sacrifice of earthly pleasures to get closer to God. Eldredge has this great thought in fathered by God that runs through my mind, after things are so messed up mind you, is that the favorite combat tatic of the enemy is the dogpile. death by a thousand tiny cuts versus a single stab wound I can see coming and avoid. Is it just serendipity the that roller coaster of disapointment and anger happened to come before the illicit invatations? Nope. Its a smallpox infested blanket after driving me into the cold.
I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautful life.
-Darryl Worley
Sometimes at least. I'll go lay down till I hear Zoe's door open up and hear her run into my room full speed eyes half closed looking to snuggle. I'll gaurd my heart like a ninja and hopefully catch it earlier and dring deply from the wellsprings.
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