Primal Heart, a short story

Ken awoke to pins and needles. He tried to flex but found himself tied to a sturdy chair he had saw in the forest rangers office he passed by days before. What was it two days ago Ken tried to think back? He remembered coming to the Grand Tetons Mountains after walking away from his cushy job leaving his wife and kids back in Seattle. Ever since he saw that special on the Grand Tetons on television last month he just had to walk in the shadow of their majestic peaks. Dana said maybe over the summer they could go if her mom could watch the kids. The Grand Tetons were too rugged for little ones in a fast approaching autumn. Ken knew she was right of course but when he got up that Wednesday morning something in him just couldn’t wait. How the world was connected! Within minutes he had booked his flight over his IPhone and had a full compliment of camping gear bought via an outfitter’s website. A few hours later he was pulling into the park. The Ranger who explained to him was named Stone. “Are you sure you want to take a rental car into those deep woods, Son? The roads are rough enough and where you’re headed you’ll have to abandon it and hike the rest of the way. There aren’t any roads up there.” Ken told him it would be fine even though he really had no idea. Ken appreciated Ranger Stone concern. The man had the look of someone that belonged out here in the mountains and probably knew what he was talking about. Part of him knew taking the full size sedan was a dumb idea. They didn’t have a truck at the rental counter. He couldn’t wait the two hours it would take to get ready so he took the car. He had to get going.

“Is there a place to grab some food I seemed to have forgotten to pick any up?” Ken asked almost as an after thought. Ranger Stone told him of a small convenience store for day-trippers the park ran. The girl behind the counter took Ken by surprise. The spiky hair the dark make up the flames tattoo rising up her arm all a little too urban for such a rural landscape. She eyed him clearly unimpressed with him and continued to read some type of music magazine as he an arm load of trail mix, beef jerky, and some sunscreen on the counter. Dana would be angry enough with him announcing his trip via a voice-mail no need to fuel that fire by coming home and asking her to rub aloe on his sunburn. “You just going to keep staring at my tits are you wanna pay for that junk?” she asked condescendingly. “Oh sorry I was just reading your name tag. You just don’t come off as a Blair to me.” Ken chuckled trying to recover smoothly. “That’s why most people call me Blaze” she purred smoldering. “Why you headed up into the mountains, you don’t exactly fit the profile. Not that I care plenty of people wind up on missing posters around here but you got that family man look about you” she asked with as little concern as she could muster. Ken couldn’t give her a good answer as he took the paper bag of provisions to his car.

A small Vietnamese female clerk by the name of Ho was explaining to him that he should keep the paper receipt on the dashboard of his car but to wear the wristband at all times. “What if I lose it Mrs. Ho? Like it gets hooked on a branch or what not?” Ken asked to cover all his bases. “Please call me Wendy; we are to far from starched shirts to be so formal!” Compared to the cooler than you attitude of the store girl this Wendy was a breath of fresh air. “No worries we will have a copy of your drivers licensee here if a ranger needs to call to verify” Wendy said as she breezed from form to form. “A hiker like you who skips paying a nominal tax isn’t really the main concern. Poachers are the biggest threat aside from the wild animals. I see your headed off the general map your not here to bag a Bambi illegally are you?” Wendy said with a threat of storms hiding behind eyes of sky blue. “No just really wanted to visit that area” Ken slowly answered. Why did he have to visit that area he questioned himself for the first time. There was a lot more area not as rugged and built up for the weekend warrior to enjoy himself.

Ken was still pondering the question as he stared at the map trying to figure out exactly which road he was supposed to be on. The official map had ended awhile back but Wendy the permit clerk had written out directions to the remote part of the park he had asked about. He got out of the car and started walking. He had seen a person fishing a mile or so back. He fought his natural instincts never to ask for directions but Ken knew he was lost besides the walk would do him some good. “No luck today?” Ken asked when he saw the fisherman, or more exact fisher woman, was packing up by the time he had reached her. “Actually it was really good today!” as she held up a line bristling with fresh caught trout. Ken trying to be a gentleman offered her a hand coming up the embankment but felt foolish as soon as the word left his lips. She was older but her movements told of strength. “Pearl, call me Pearl dear” her voice rippled as she leaped up the steep incline. It reminded Ken of those salmon swimming up stream in a weird way. Pearl didn’t have a clue which road would take Ken where he wanted to go. In fact she actually advised him to turn back the weather had taken a bad turn last night. A cold snap up here at this altitude could mean a cold miserable death for an unprepared camper. Ken assured Pearl he would be OK but at her insistence would share her catch for lunch with her partner Will. Will knew the park like the back of his hand and would be able to tell Ken exactly he right path.

Half an hour later they were hiking into an open clearing with a rugged cabin completely in synch with the environment. The landscaping was so well planned it seemed as if the land ad the cabin were one in the same. The door opened as a man Ken assumed was Will trot out with two steaming mugs. “That’s a mighty unusual fish you caught today Pearl!” Will called out with a deep chuckle that resounded of home somehow. Introductions were quickly made and Ken felt at ease. Pearl was in the kitchen cleaning the fish. Will and Ken were sitting on the porch drinking from the steaming mugs. “You OK there Ken?” Will asked. Ken tried to turn to answer but found his body responding sluggishly. Ken tried to stand and would have hit the floor if not for Will catching his now limp body. “Don’t fight it Ken. The dried mushrooms I ground up in your mug are strong. I am surprised it took them this long. You’re a fighter; you’re going to need that type of strength.

He recognized Pearl’s voice “He’s coming to.” Ken sat tied to his chair and eyed the rest of the room. The punk cashier from the store Blaze was poking at the fire in the hearth. Wendy the permit clerk was hanging her arm out the wind watching a pinwheel spin. Ranger Stone was studying the stone floor while collecting his thoughts. Pearl just coming out of the shower her hair still wet and dripping. Will’s voice came from behind Ken; “I’m going to place my hands on your shoulders if that’s OK Ken.” Ken felt guilty for how harshly he spoke “Well since I’m the one kidnapped here please feel free to do whatever you want to there Will.” Will placed his hands on Ken’s shoulders and in seconds Ken’s body was fully refreshed. No anger, no anxiety, no pins and needles, and no weariness just calm. “I can’t answer your questions about what’s going on because you don’t know what questions to even ask. The real questions in life are never simple answers. They are deeper than we can perceive. The best we can do is try to catch fragments of truths in the stories that were passed down to us."  Will calmly stated as they all took their seats.

There were two twin brothers kings of their own separate but powerful kingdoms. They argued and warred with one another without cease to determine who the better of the two was. One day while traveling the border that separated their respective kingdoms the came to a home of a beautiful Woman. The Woman’s house’s foundation was equally placed so neither king could claim her service fairly. One brother turned to another and proposed a deal. “Since we are equal in strength and power even our faces share the same glory, let’s have her be the judge of which is better. We will both charm the woman and who she chooses in the end will be the winner.” The other brother seeing an end to this age-old battle heartily agreed. A coin flip or rock paper scissors or whatever later who went first was decided. For the next length of time each brother courted the Woman. The Woman loved each brother thinking it was one king and bore him four children. Each child was easily marked by the touch of its father. Pyros with his fiery hair. Terra with his deep brown skin. Zephyr with his inability to stay still. Aquarius with his deep pools for eyes. Children carried on their father’s war and clash with each other daily to no clear winner.

When the Woman gave birth to the fifth child a neither father could see himself in the child. The two brothers confronted the Woman and stood before her. The Woman demanded an explanation. I am Order and these are my sons steady Terra and serene Aquarius. I am Chaos these are my sons powerful Pyros and inexhaustible Zephyr. The Woman asked who claimed the new female. Neither Order nor Chaos would claim the child. The child was too much or the other for either brother to lay claim to. The only solution both Kings could agree to be the destruction of the child. Hearing this the Woman became enraged gathering up the new child declared I am Gaia and I name this child Spirit sister to the Elements of earth, wind, fire, and water and daughter to Order and Chaos best of bother her fathers. Since neither of you can see that she being in balance was by far stronger than either separate, I choose neither of you as my king. Hearing Gaia’s words each king recognized the truth in her words and agreed to abandon their quest. Her home would fall into neither kingdom but both.

Gaia’s home over time became the Earth. Where her children clashed new creations awakened. Pyros and Terra clashed begetting animals. Terra and Aquarius clashed for dominance leaving plants in their wake. Aquarius and Zephyr clashed resulting in Ice. Lighting flashed into existence where Pyros and Zephyr encountered each other. All four brothers vied for their sister’s hand but she refused. Until there was a home for her children she would have none. Each bowed to her wishes, boundaries and peace between the four was made. Each element created nations unto themselves.

The relative peace was broken beyond repair by their mother herself. Perhaps Gaia could only hold in balance so much before it became too much. Many other theories arose over time of possible hows or whys but all agree that a time of madness encroached into Mother Gaia. The element Kings were powerful but nothing compared to their mother. The earth was torn asunder. The skies literally cracked. Entire seas disappeared. Fire was unquenchable. Where the Elements collided monsters arose not of the natural order. Spirit called together her brother-husbands and convinced them all was lost no empire could survive independently but together enough power could be gathered for their children, humanity to survive. From their places of power they combined their power and called forth from space a meteor to kill their mother Gaia. They then spoke words of power and poured out their very life forces into their children the weak nascent humans to give them a fighting chances. Thanks to their gifts the humans grew into tribes and were able to survive until a balance could be restore and thrive once again. Gone were the great cities of Lemuria, Atlantis, Shanghai-La, and Mu that we know them by now. No banners any empires just survivors banded together.

The tribes of humanity carried on with life and old ways were forgotten Children were born as old ones died. Crops were planted to be harvested seasons later. The Element Kings were no where the level after sacrificing their powers for humanities sake but where able to impart some of their children with power. Rarely did these ever rise above a whisper. Nut there is a flare up ever so often. Was Hercules’ strength from being a son of the Earth when he slew the Hydra? Maybe. Was Jesus Christ a son of Spirit when he healed all those people? Could be. Was the Emperor of Japan the lost son of Zephyr when the Kamikaze wind blew back two different invading fleets? Possible. How could the captain of the Titanic not see a mega ton iceberg if Aquarius child didn’t move it into the ship path? How indeed. Rome burned while Nero played the fiddle, could he not of ran because he was controlling it? You decide.

Until July 16^th, 1945 Gaia slept uninterrupted for eons. In New Mexico the test of the first nuclear bomb was enough to shake the very anchors of the Earth. For a brief instance Gaia awoke and her madness was unleashed again into the world. Old and new monster arose to a brave new world. The reigning Elemental Lords were able to handle the brunt of the attacks against the backdrop of WWII.

The only blessing was Gaia’s awakening was also the influx of primordial power to re-energize the Ley Lines, Dragon Roads, Spirit Highways, Tradewinds, Fire Paths, Mothers Bones or whatever you want to call them. Like a mother’s voice at dusk calling kids home we came a running. At first we didn’t know why we came. We just felt it in our bones and knew we had to come. It was unorganized and chaotic until we found the power we had inherited and then it turned brutal and bloody. Later we found that almost 2/3rds of the Elementally Touched were tainted by Gaia’s madness outright. The rest of us managed to hang on. Where two or more of these crossed primordial power flowed. The more crossing points the more powerful the point was. The more powerful the more blood was spill. These were hard times mind you until where everyone was just trying to do what they thought were best. The most powerful of us gathered and made peace and made accords with one another. We had been kings and in our pride nearly killed ourselves. Now we are guardians protecting what’s left. You’re here because you’re one of us. I can’t tell what element has touched you deep inside yet but recognize the spark. We brought you in because there are far too few of us for the job we have to do. Every hand is needed.”

“Do I have a choice?” Ken asked.

“Absolutely, us or them. Of course if you’re not with us you’re against us and that means a first class trip to the ash pile” Blaze seethed as a circle of flames appeared and danced around her hand.

“Blaze is a little melodramatic but in essence sadly no you don’t. “ Stone spoke softly. Ken could sense that Stone was a good man that had to make more than a few hard choices in his life.

Stones honesty sat in room like a 100 pound chunk of marble. Pearl bubbled in “When someone comes searching we try our best to dissuade them. Urge them to turn back. Once you go so far down the rabbit hole there’s no turning back.”

Wendy’s voice was like an autumn wind cold and stirring leaves in Ken’s soul. “You have always known or felt on some level that you were different. You were drawn to a voice familiar as your own fathers but so unknown to you.

“Ever stared into the fireplace and been mesmerized? The snaps and pops ever whisper to you? Sat by a creek and the rushing water seemingly laughed with you in some private joke? Ever been digging in the fertile ground to plant a tree and felt the ground grasp your hand while you moving it? Been dying from the heat and wish for relief and a cool breeze came out of no where?” Will questioned as he laid an ornate box onto the table.

“And spirit? How is that an element?” Gears were moving in Ken’s mind a skeptic still but things couldn’t be put into little boxes as easy as he would have liked.

“It’s overlooked and undervalued for sure because it’s not as easy to quantify in a modern world. It’s the spark of the divine that resides in all things. It is the building block of everything else. The foundation if you wish not as flashy but powerful none the less. Spirit is an elusive thing to track.” Will surmise unsure of how best to explain the cosmic mechanics he himself still struggled with at times.

Stone sensing Will being overwhelmed tried to lay down some bedrock of his knowledge. “The primordial power is woven into our basic DNA basically and passed down through the ages in our genetics. I bet if you looked back into your family tree you could find someone that had that spark closer to the surface if not realized. Each family line is basically one element. “

“Our families in the past started to figure this out and started banding together to support someone who had greater potential. My Element, Water, for example is very organized and keeps very complex lists of those who carry even a little of Aquarius power in them.” Pearl offered in her pride as much to help ken understand.

“So complex are their list’s, good luck having any freedom from ‘The Family’” Blaze sarcastically added remembering a crush she had on a boy until he informed her there could never be anything between them. Her Fire heritage didn’t fit in with their plans for him.

Ken felt himself in danger. Ken could feel energy from Pearl swell up like a tidal wave swept out to sea just to gain power and momentum before crashing on the beach. It was no less as intense as the fuse that was burning inside Blaze. Her energy was a house fire waiting to explode as soon as the door was opened. The hairs on Ken’s neck were sticking straight up.

Wendy started to stand up to intercede between the two but Stone stopped her with a hand. Strong but not forceful. The issues between Blaze and Pearl were old scars that would just need healing and if Wendy got in the middle right now it could only fan the

flames so to speak.

Will opened the ornate box to reveal 5 glowing orbs. A dark Verde with stratus of brown forming the base. A brilliant azure with streaks of yellow flashing within. A deep blue with wisps of green floating to the surface at times. A miniature sun of reds and oranges flared again and again. Will pressed two fingers to a glittering ball of what Ken could only process as pure energy. The force within the glittering orb filled Will then reached out to each of them. As the force enveloped the group a sense of goodwill and belonging replaced the fear, anger, insecurity, anxiety, and hesitation each felt. Memories flooded each person’s mind of times when they were safe, secured, and held.

“Theses are extremely rare drops of our fathers made physical. These are the purest expressions of the divine spark that lie within us. When we are near them we tend to act out of our essence rather than reason. Stone’s hesitation is the sin of Terra’s hesitation to act. Wendy’s rushing into dangerous places is an echo of Zephyrs recklessness. Pyro’s anger still rings in Blaze. Aquarius need to control Pearl barely resists. We are all Children of powerful forces who were not brought into this existence. We are their children made into flesh and gifted with Spirit to the ability live in harmony if we so choose. Spirit is the uniting force between all things. We who are touched by Spirit are not born into set family patterns but in all families.” Will released the flow of pure Spirit he had tapped into when the flames in Blazes eyes had died down as well pearls eyes were calm pool with now ripples disturbing them.

“What Element am I from then?” questioned himself as much as he did the group.

Stone got up and began untying Ken’s ropes. “We don’t know. The short answer is all of them. The long answer is that when the Elements poured themselves into us via Spirit we got a little of each of them. We each can tap into the big four. Except for Spirit who can do all evenly, we can do one better than the others. Its part internal but also you can see that it defines much of our personality. Our life philosophies how we make our choices our morals and our perspective on life.”

Pearl stood and smoothed her clothes to regain her serenity. “Stone is a son of Terra as much for his ability to move the ground as much as his steadfastness and stubbornness.”

Blaze pulled her leather jacket around her shoulders. “Wendy is an airhead sometimes but she’s got a bit of Fire to fuel her in a fight in her when it comes to her friends.” She tried to sound like she didn’t care but her genuine care came through. It was hard for Blaze to admit how much she had come to count on her friends after being alone for so long.

Will was grateful to see that crack in her armor and wanted to break through. “Blaze’s is a firebrand but…”

Blaze interrupted forceful “Blaze is a bad ass who gets the job done. Let’s get on with this.”

“Get on with what?” Ken asked cautiously. There was an edge to Blazes voice that spoke of danger.

Wendy finally gave up her seat hating this time but knowing it was due. “You came looking for something and its time to come face to face with it. Will is going flip a switch in you and you’re going to find out the answer to your question. It’s a hard brutal thing reconciling your two separate halves. We call it the Crossroads, where your soul chooses its path.”

“Baptism by fire, where the old self is refined into the true”

“The Great Shift, where the false self is shattered.”

“The Deluge, where the former person we were is drowned out.”

“No cute name from the world of Spirit there Will?” Ken tried to break the serious of the room were silence reigned.

“Sorry but nothing cute about it Ken. We call it the First Death. We understand that all we were is destroyed. That there is no coming back to where we were. You will be confronted with primal forces you can not begin to fathom. I think when our parents misused their powers to raise their kingdom and try to slay their brethren they drove their mother to the point of madness. To quell her manifested madness they had to stop her so she couldn’t do anymore damage to their children, us. They put her down. They couldn’t cure her madness so they knocked her out. She sleeps like a coma patient whose body is healing and movement would only hurt them more. Except for the single moment when we foolishly woke her up she sleeps safely. Whenever one of us goes to find ourselves we have to back to where we came from. Her madness is a veil we must pass through. Not everyone makes it back intact.” Will was speaking in a tone that Ken understood was deathly serious. No metaphors or stories this time.

“Blessed are the ones who can’t make it intact and their bodies here just taking care of themselves. They spontaneously combustion, sink into the ground, turn to liquid, or explode and blow to he Four Corners.” Stone who had seen too many not make it back stoically said. He knew it was horrible way to end up but was a mercy compared.

“That’s the Scooby doo ending of this thing? Doesn’t sound like much of a blessing Ranger Dan!” Ken wanted to run but only then realized they had moved to surround him.

Wendy exploded like an unforeseen summer thunderstorm unintentionally releasing a static electricity charge that left many of them wondering if a lightning bolt was forthcoming. “I had a twin sister. Our parents knew nothing of what they or we were. Maybe they had a clue when they named us Wendy and Stormy or maybe they were just being cute. We felt the longing and went searching for the source. You’re lucky you came here where the power is strong but someone had gone before you and set up safeguard’s to protect you from yourself. We danced into a tornado of unfettered primal power and went to the Crossroads. We both made it back but Stormy was consumed with Gaia’s madness. She wasn’t my twin anymore much less my sister. She was something else. Not just over the cuckoos nest hand washing crazy but unhinged. She had been swallowed by the Tempest and sought only to purify the world by blowing it down to its foundations. I didn’t know what to do what she had become. I called after her but the winds were too strong. The path of destruction I couldn’t comprehend. How could my sister do this? I found, I found.” Wendy tried to continue but couldn’t. Years later the memory was still too fresh.

Blaze stood where her friend couldn’t. “Wendy was tracking her sister when she came upon this remote farmhouse out in BFE. It was shredded to pieces. The newspapers later said it was freak of nature type of things. A tornado that left every single blade of grass undisturbed for miles around but touched down exactly on the house only to rise back in the sky. Wendy found a little girl by the name of Emily impaled with a section of iron wrought fence. Nothing could have been done she was already gone.”

“What happened to Stormy?” Ken spoke with out realizing he was speaking. Instantly he was sorry foe his words. He knew the answer as soon as he saw the pain behind Wendy’s eyes.

“Wendy did what needed to be done. It was the only merciful thing she could do.” Stone solemnly spoke. He had been there before seen it happen and had to make the hard choices before as well. He wished there was another way but when you stare into that abyss and lose yourself what comes back is something else entirely. You could see the person trapped behind the madness being tortured and having no hope of rescue.

“I’m scared.”

“You would be a fool not to be. The strong are always afraid before battle only fools are too stupid not to be. Courage is just fear saddled up is what my Daddy used to say” Stone remarked in admiration of Ken. Ken was on his feet ready to meet whatever was next.

Will breathed in deep and opened himself up to the spark within him feeling his existence expand as all parts of himself awakened. “Don't fight it; it’s as much part of you as much as anything other part of your body is.”

A glowing light filled Ken’s field of vision until nothing of his known world was recognizable. His senses were bombarded with input. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, of things familiar rubbed against things unknown and otherworldly in his mind. Here in the flowing streams of all the elements something stirred deep with Ken’s soul. It reminded him of when he first met his wife that instant connection and knowing that he couldn’t explain. He just knew and oh what a wonderful feeling that was! Simple and clean pure unlike most of Ken’s life. He was balanced finally in who he was always supposed to be. His minds eye opened and he saw his progenitors pouring their power into him. A voice as clear as a bell rang through his being “I claim this one as mine.” He looked about for the source. Terra’s form was the definition “mountain of a man”. His body composed of black fertile soil riddled with roots and chunks of rocks defined him as much as Pyros being a pillar of pure flame. Aquarius eyes were as deep as the ocean. Zephyr was hard to see simply because of his constant motion. Spirit answered questions Ken couldn’t begin to format to ask.

“I am here as I always have. I was here before all else. Without Spirit there can be no flesh. It is easier for the children of flesh to assume they came first but before the entire world I was.” This was the voice of true power ken understood deep in his gut. Mightier than an earthquake purer than a frozen raindrop cleaner than mountain air more transforming than white hot flame. A spot of oily blackness appeared at Ken’s feet and grew into a pool rapidly. Soon it was a ravenous beast devouring ken’s entire world. “What is this?” ken tried to move out of reach but it was everywhere! It was halfway up his legs covering him like a funeral shroud. “This is the madness of Gaia, the mother to us all. In our pride we forgot what we were created for and earned her wrath. We could not change what we did so we sought to reconcile. We gave ourselves over to you our children’s children forgoing our power we wasted. In you we placed our hope.

Our plan was for you to be her caretakers until she recovered during her sleep. Over time all wounds can be healed this is fact. Order will always come from chaos. We would not be around in our physical forms to see it but through our sacrifice new guardians would take our place. What we did not realize was the true extent of the damage we had done. In her madness Gaia seeks not to correct our damage but to.” The voice was cut off as Ken’s entirety fell into darkness.

“This all could have been avoided,” a buttery soft voice whispered in Ken’s ear. Ken was on the outside edge of a funeral. The graveyard stretched out for hundreds of miles in all directions. The sky was gray and overcast but clear enough to see grave stones standing silently as far as the eye could see. “Too many, to young fill the ground here.”

“Who are they” Ken turned to stare at himself. No not himself this copy was him except for the eyes. The eyes of this “Ken” had depthless holes of inky darkness. In those tar pits were things. Every so often they would surface and show their twistedness.

 

“They WERE souls who stood where you are now. Unlike you though they made the wrong choice.”

“How so?”

“They were mislead by dead and forgotten echoes of long ago. They wouldn’t accept the way things simply are the inevitable. They all came up to this point saw the coming storm and still ran out into it. They were simply torn apart in the process. I would laugh at the stupidity of it all but there’s nothing funny about it. Children growing up without fathers. Husbands growing old without wives.”

The pastor voices rose up in closing “So let’s remember our brother Ken Kardiva beloved husband and father who now sleeps in the embrace of the earth.” Ken could hear Dana’s sobs well up as she clutched the kids even tighter. They funeral party turned to leave and faded into the horizon.

“How did this happen” Ken asked.

“Who knows the details but it’s the immutable fact. If you choose to fight me this is your best case scenario. Join me and this won’t happen I promise you.”

“Destroy the world as I know it or die is that the choice?”

“Did it ever occur to you that this world needs to be destroyed? That a fresh start is exactly what it needs? That it has became so corrupted that it is beyond saving? You say destroy; I say rebirth. Violent rebirth I’ll grant you but isn’t all of them?”

“Makes a lot of sense”

“Just give in to yourself. What you feel is right. That’s logic in your gut screaming out that you know I’m right.” Ken had one foot over the line.

The Devourer could see him sniffing the bait. “But I offer so much more than that! I also offer you power unrestrained. Think about what you could do with that power. Fortunes are you’re for the taking. Vengeance on all those fools who tried you before. You’re a force of nature now let them tremble at the feel of your power”

It felt so good to be filled with such power! Ken sawed out on the battlefield and none of his enemies could stand. It was a desolate field blasted to the bedrock. Power still crackled around Ken’s hands. He floated on weaves of air he commanded to move him unfettered through the morning light. Such freedom he never knew existed. He instinctively felt underground rivers rush below him. At his whim the ground was violently rent away and the world drowned simply because it was Ken’s whimmed it to be so.

“This is just a taste of things to come buddy boy!” The Devourer’s voice was like warm caramel sauce sliding sweetly down Ken’s. Ken felt himself slipping away but didn’t care. Here in his own elemental power he was complete for the first time in his life. He surveyed his kingdom. Mountains crumbled beneath him. Oceans rose and fell at his command. Fire melted sand to polished glass reflected his visage only to be eaten away by hurricane force gail's he whistled up. “I am master of all I see!” Ken declared to the world as a throne rose from the churning earth for its king. Maybe it was the wind but Ken thought he heard someone unfamiliar talking to him. “Who dares speak to me?” Ken demanded. His voice carried the full power of the four winds to the corners of the planet.

The Devourer was there to answer “No one else speaks to you my lord. A trick of the wind”

There it was again in the crackling of the fire. Not unfamiliar this time he knew it but from where? Like a snatch of music when you’re changing radio stations too quickly.

The Devourer was a cloud of dust obscuring Kens view. “There is only me, I am the only voice here.” What was he obscuring from my view Ken thought. I am omnipotent in my power.

Was it calling from the depths? Ken traveled in a blink of the eye searching for the source of the voice. The message was faint and garbled but there was a message he was sure of it. It wasn’t from but below deep far below. The Devourer was out of line! Ken easily blew past him as he foolishly tried to stand in his way. Was he commanding him to stop? Surely not Ken thought.

Was this the center of the planet Ken wondered dreamingly? He had traveled so far down he was sure it could be. This place was ancient. It smelled of the birth of the world. It was a simple room with a single occupant sleeping fitfully in its center. Had this dreamer called to him from so far away? How could it be?

“What child does not recognize the voice of it own parent?” The haze was clearing from Ken’s mind. The Devourer howled in frustration and poured its demonic ooze into the room to contaminate its inhabitant once again.

“This is just a temporary moment of sanity Ken Kardiva. A cosmic wink of the eye to regain yourself.” Spirit’s words were soothing.

“I don’t know if I want to regain myself. I was small and insignificant but now I am force incarnate. Think of all I could do!” Ken was weak like a fever had sapped his strength like a thief in the night.

“I saw all that you could do and I saw no life only death and destruction.”

“I only meant to” Ken tried to defend himself but he could not. All that power and not one good thing. He had recreated the world into his own image. His own fears, resentments, and insecurities dominated the landscape.

“I don’t know how this happened” Ken released the power and as it rushed out he was being crushed by the weight of darkness surrounding him. “If I could I would fix it somehow.” Ken thought. His lungs were already crushed the air pushed out like a child balloon. “I choose life.” Was Ken’s last thought

“Hope endures, I was the first I will be the last. A single choice can tip the scales.” Ken died there in what some called the World Navel. No one has ever seen it of course its just one of those long dreamed about places of myth where a legend sprung from. The resting place of Gaia, where the elements were born who could believe such a place actually exists?

“So Blaze turned the lights off” Stone was drinking a dark brewed coffee from an earthenware mug as they Ken recover on the couch.

Pearl gently formed a refreshing mist to wash the sheen of sweat from Kens face. “I honestly thought it was just a reflection of the sun through the window. Like St. Elmo’s fire you see sometimes on ships.”

Windy was finishing pushing the debris from the room with a sweep of air. “The furniture being wrecked that’s par for the course. It gets a little hectic tapping into your powers the first couple of times.” Her voice was cheery and light but everyone in the room heard her sorrow. She was extremely happy Ken made it through but missed her twin sister at the same time.

Blaze looked at Ken with a newfound respect. It was like all of the sudden he had the coolest tattoo of all her friends. “I hit the light switch and you were just floating there glowing like some pansy raver’s glow stick”

Will brought a steaming cup of tea to Ken and sat down. “Light shows over kids. That much power put out there means that something could catch a whiff and come looking for the source. Stone and Blaze go check the guardians to make sure they are armed. Wendy go check on our people to make sure they would be ready if anything did get though. Pearl I want you to”

Pearl cut him off as she picked up the box of keystones “Go make sure these are safe in the nexus and aligned properly to maximum flow.” She added mockingly “I know the drill Dad”

When they were alone they talked about all that happened to Ken. “So my element is Spirit?”

“Since you mastered the other four elements, yes. It makes us more versatile than most. They are stronger in one than use but we are better over all. Our real power is how we can use our Spirit powers to bolster their power but that’s enough for tonight.”

The tea must have had something herbal in it because Ken was relaxed and sleepy shortly. “But I have so many questions.”

“Baby steps grasshopper. You have a big day tomorrow. If you think today was tough tomorrow will be an even bigger battle.” Will chuckled inwardly remembering when he had all those same questions.

“I don’t see how.”

“Ken you will face down enemies that you have no clue about and you will use your powers and have our back up to banish them but all those creatures won’t strike fear into your heart like tomorrow.”


“What will I face tomorrow so difficult” ken’s mind reeled with possibilities.


“Tomorrow you have to call home and explain why you have been acting like you have been. Doing the things that you’ve been doing. Like why your calling from here. You can’t tell her the real reasons either not that she would believe you if you did.” Will’s face split into a wide grin.


“Wow that will suck!”


“That’s the real battle. Holding onto the old life as much as you can. Why are we fighting if not for them? Sleep tight.”


“Did you know I would make it Will”


“No but I had a hunch. I’ve learned to trust my instincts.”

“What hunch?”

“When Stone called saying there was someone looking to go where no one sane ever would I asked your name. Kardiva is old Greek for heart. As long as a man has his heart close by him has a chance.”

Summer camp friends

Three years ago my world changed to this thing I'm still trying to understand. I woke up early then to. We had been up fighting about Peggy getting drunk again at her moms and I slept on the couch in our brand new house. I remember distinctly ironically "what a auspicious start!" We had just moved in I was sober about a month and a half. And we were giving it another go. I went out on my last good black out bender in February of 11 and she bolted in the middle of the day in March. We were all done then I went to Boot Camp in May and hand on a bible voice of God Charles Heston as Moses in the Ten Commandments was told to go home and fix my marriage.

Peg had been living with her mom moved in with Zoe and I at my moms wanting to get right with God, get sober, and do the whole deal right. As a adult I remember very few events in perfect clarity. 1, 2, 3 are the birth of my daughters. 4 is a wreck with a motorcycle where he died. 5 is 9/11. 6 is sitting on the couch calling Peg's phone and the cop telling me she was found unconscious. Part of me I think will always be stuck in time on that couch unable to move.

Now three years later my mourning is different. So much of the initial trauma has been dealt with on my end through the intercession of God, grief counseling, working steps, and time. Outside aggressors also have been neutralized. Peg's mom died herself, her hateful half sister cut all ties to us once I would only agree to supervised visitation, her half brothers father removed Ben from our lives as soon as he wasn't legally obligated to interact, her friend Brit got caught playing one side against the other and I dropped her.

My mourning is for everyone that was our ally in our greatest hour of need that has faded away from us. I know life happens and people just drift normally in our busy society. With so much going on people drop off. The funny thing is the more technology we have to communicate the more isolated we become from one another. Seems like the opposite should be happening.

One of the slogans passed around was "its easy to love the dead  but hard to stand the living". Its meant to be how we make the dead one a saint forgetting just last week he was a son of a bitch and not appreciate the living ones still around in out lives. To those who were there for us and have moved on thank you. For those of you still in our lives who keep helping us trudge this road to happy destiny thank you. I don't have the words for the enormity of gratitude I have for you.

Deja Wound

Allot of people asked me after my last relationship ended How are you doing? My quick answer was a sarcastic "Well I'm glad this one didn't shoot herself in the head so I guess that's progress." But as time passes and the smoke clears it was a more honest answer than I would like to admit.

Conversation about a greater need to take care of her ongoing disease

• 2011- Her drinking made me nervous of leaving Zoe with her at night
• 2014- Her anxiety made me nervous leaving Zoe with her over summer

The last face to face  conversation was "We will get through this. We will talk about it tonight."

• 2011- As she walked out the door
• 2014- As she dropped me off at work

Gone by phone

• 2011- Me calling, the officer on the scene answering
• 2014- by text, you can pick up Zoe at your moms

Time alone in my head/mounting financial worry due to lack of childcare

• 2011- Suddenly being a single parent
• 2014- Not having a daycare ready to go

Abandoned stuff left in the house for me to clean up alone

• 2011- All her stuff
• 2014- Less than $100 of knick knacks, mementoes, assorted things

Estranged family that she had been exiled from their lives in last month demanding stuff with no legal right

• 2011- Her Mom
• 2014- Her Brother

Betrayal to CPS by someone close without cause to be found ends with them being cut out of my life

• 2011- Her sister and best friend
• 2014- Someone in my game group

Question  "If it was so bad why didn't she just escape to in town family?"

• 2011- Her mom had a huge empty house she could go to
• 2014- Her brother had just moved into a new place alone with at least crash space

Living with the rumor that I caused her actions entirely

• 2011- Her death spoke volumes
• 2014- actual trash talking from her stating that it was all my fault none of it hers.

The two cases aren't black and white different but various shades of gray. Different people but similar result with only me as a common denominator. I see that now and instead of wasting my time asking why did this happen again I know the answer. The wound being reopened isn't new but one of abandonment that happened along time ago. This is just common sense by the enemy. 2011 we nearly killed him off so lets run that same play again. Like in any sport if you find a weakness in a opposing team you direct your energy towards there. I'd tell every batter to pop it to left field if I knew the guy there couldn't catch a ball. I'd tell my quarterback to run every play if they were concentrating on my wide receiver's. If the other boxer had a weak midsection I wouldn't go for the KO jaw shot.

The good news is if one  solution worked for one then it'll probably will work for the other then also. The wound may never heal but recovery with learning how to live with the scar tissue happened once and can be applied to the wounding again. Instead of having a explanation of why God let this happen learn to live with gratitude that more will be revealed on the other side of Heaven but any explanation here still wont satisfy me. Use the tools in the bag to do what I can. 12 steps, church, service work, prayer, writing, meditation, all those cliché things to stop the bleeding and sew it up. Being real about exactly my part in it was. I have some amends to do but her choices are independent of me. I cant cause anyone to do anything I don't have that power. Lord knows if I did things would look way different in my life. Forgive them for being flawed just like me.  Look for forgiveness from God and if he can then forgive myself also. Quit making wreckage with the people still around and bolster up boundaries that need it. Good fences make for good neighbors.  

It took me three years, which on the calendar seems really quick but felt like a eternity, to be in a place where I was able honestly try and be in a relationship again. I hope that it doesn't take that long but more than willing if I get a taste of the same benefits. For even it ended in a train wreck again I was able to get down the tracks again  further in certain aspects than I had been able to in the meantime. I was able to be honest. I was able to introduce her to my daughter without dressing it up as anything but what it was. I was able to take her around my family and friends without being embarrassed about her. I was able to make plans in the future and fulfill them. I was able to travel without being over anxious about it and ruining the trip. I didn't get drunk, pop pills, quit my job, go to jail, self harm, or any of the other multitude of ignorant things I have done in the past at the end of a relationship.! By great Zeus's beard that hell of progress for this mortal man.

Victimteer's

We have this stray cat that shows up to meetings. It comes up looking like it wants to snuggle up in your lap. I was a victim only the first time that stupid cat scratched me for being so damn moody ever other time I pet that cat I volunteer to the possibility of being scratched willingly. Its just that simple really. There is that random 20% of the time that damn cat is lovable and cuddly, a pleasure to be around. It's just enough to fool you the other 80% of the time to pick it up to snuggle and pull back your hand bleeding.

Its the same old story told from the dawn of time.  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

I had this brother who I had to set up a boundary with. He was mad I didn't side against a former lover instead of staying friends with both. Whatever went down I'm sure that like in all relationships both were at fault to some degree and it wasn't my place to make judgment calls on their behavior. He talked to his sponsor and told me he had a "justified resentment" against me for inviting him as well as her by God to a dinner I put together.  Oh did I mention he was drunk as balls and shooting dope? It was really the limit of my tolerance. So I told him I read somewhere,  Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 64) but hadn't read anything about a justified resentment. So I was going to have put him in the God box and put some distance between us. laying face down in the gutter and having to look up to look down on me while posting about his great spirituality, why his recovery was better than everyone else's, etc. was just to much. The path he was on and my smart mouth being in close proximity was a recipe for disaster. If I stayed in this unhealthy relationship I was going to be volunteering to be exposed to his fits of self pity and persecution syndrome, and bouts of narcissism. And since I suffer from the same I hate to have competition!

So I said I know who I am and with my short comings. One of them is sarcasm especially when I see someone close to me hurting and I don't have the "right" words so to avoid drama lets lead separate lives. I was crazy and full of myself  was his response so we agreed to disagree and that was that. Weeks later when his new lover left him for his issues he decides the club and friends he abandoned aren't so crazy and full of crap to start coming around again. I'm happy to see him and welcome him back fully knowing neither of  have changed. So when he acts as a victim I'm not surprised.

I was in this relationship where when we were together I was great guy, man of her dreams, more than she ever dreamed, happier every day according to her words. Once broken up I was the devil who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused her every day according to her words. HUH?  Everyday? On day one if you are abused emotionally, mentally, but especially physically since that's so prevalent your a victim. Day two if you stay your a volunteer now. Battered wives who get punched in the mouth have every right if not a divine mandate to get the hell out of there right then right there no excuses. If a person stays in a relationship where they are hurt it is because they have a issue just as powerful as their abuser simple as that. I spent nine years in a abusive marriage as a professional Victimteer. I volunteered to be a victim, I keep myself in that relationship because of my issues. Was I genuinely mistreated at times, absolutely. You live intimately with anyone and character flaws will flare up and being in close proximity shit will splatter on you. But today I see how much I volunteered to be in the splash zone. Hell in my sickness I would instigate situations or purposely aggravate character flaws to keep the chaos flowing because that way I could be a victim rather than who I was supposed to be.

People say I don't like my job, my boss is a jerk. I think but you keep showing up each day? I don't like my car but you still drive it right? I hate coming to this restaurant but you willingly walk through the door right? Your getting something out of the situation or you wouldn't be participating as a volunteer. You like the money the job provides, you dislike to walk in Texas summer heat, you want to be part of the group! No one is forcing us to be in anything or do anything. We choose our actions and their resulting consequences hand in hand. If your reading this you chose to! Don't like what I have to say then simply stop listening. That's beauty and terrible burden of being free. You can volunteer to do whatever you want to but you have to live with the results but not as a victim.

Whos this guy in the mirror?

Travel far enough and your bound to meet yourself on the road- David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

Great thinkers like Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell theorize that we really aren't that different or unique as we would like to believe ourselves to be. There's a saying in the rooms of your a unique snowflake just like everyone else in this snow bank. Different but the same.

"Different trailer but same trailer park" Katy Musgrave, Merry Go Round

I've been thinking about what role I should be playing because I find myself in the same stories. It's like watching the same movie over and over and admittedly the production value are getting better with each cycle its the same story.

I have two pictures hanging on my wall one taken in 2006 the other in 2013. Each shows me with three guys who I been there with me bleeding in the trenches who I hope to be life long pals. I've had other pictures like this before but they have gotten lost along the way. Its photographic evidence of who was playing the roles of the people I want/need in my life. I attract or group with the same people in general. The sage representing a pilgrim further down the road I want to travel on. The philosopher a pilgrim who talks in bigger ideas. The grinder a pilgrim who struggles through with life by nose to the grindstone. Not per say happy but busy. I always had a image of myself in my head but it wasn't until recently when I really saw myself in another that I got a clear picture. Even if I look in the mirror it isn't a true image its in reverse. Self appraisal is always flawed.

However when I quit trying to compare myself to others and start to identify I see how much overwhelmingly I am more alike than different than most people. I meet myself in 2012 and I see why most people like me. Its for the same reasons I liked him right off the bat. Outwardly besides both being big guys not a lot similar. Characteristically very much alike. Good time Charlie, sensitive, quick with a joke, loyal, spiritual, philosophical, ect. Inwardly I think we share some of the same damage. Middle child syndrome of stable older successful brother successful stable younger sister crazy in the middle, abandonment issues, separation from or children, ill at ease with physical self, bad choices with ex's, and of course addiction which is what brought us to the dance in the first place. I've long decided that if I ever get a tombstone my epitaph would read " Here lies Tomas. Easy to love, hard to like".  Fits this guy as well.

Its easy to love us both for all the good things we are but its hard as hell to like us for all the crap we pull in our lives. I had caught a big resentment against him over the last year for crap he pulled and the ramifications that came from it. When I first met him I got a lot of hope from him. He seemed to have found that special something to get the life I wanted despite the built in deficiencies. Good solid relationship, self supportive through work, nice stuff finally, good relationships with others, connection with God, grateful as all get out, respected, seemed to work a good program for example. Then the real acid test of life took place and stuff went sideways in a real quick fashion. My mom said to me words I find more profound and true the longer I live "We love other for the strengths they possess but grow to hate them for not using them."

I grew to hate him for his gratefulness that disappeared in the hard times. His narcissism, bouts of depression as well as mania, selfishness, justification, being a victim. I hated him for the all the reasons I hate myself sometimes. Where had his strength gone? Where was his connection to God? Why couldn't he stay sober? He spoke all the right words before why didn't he just shake it off?

The thing I was most disgusted with him is how much his stability was equally proportionate to the relationship status to the woman in his life at the time. If things were good with her things were flipping fantastic with him. If they were rocky he was in a hole beyond hope. The symbiotic parasitic codependency of this guy was off the charts! I hadn't seen such insanity since well since I looked in the mirror if I was going to be honest. To overcome my resentment of him I had to overcome the resentment of myself for being cut from the exact same cloth. I had to forgive myself for trading my sobriety, my god, my safety, my happiness, my stability for the love of a woman in 2006.

I had done the exact same thing all my life basing my happiness off my partner. I had done it for all the same reasons. Loneliness, fear, need of approval, no self esteem top the list but it boils down to I was uncomfortable with myself and God. All those things that I was supposed to go to God to get  I was afraid so I just took to people that couldn't give it to me. I would either put on my captain save a ho cape to save her hoping to vicariously heal myself through her recovery. Or the other extreme find someone I could submit my life to in hopes that they could run it better than I could. The benevolent dominator or the victim. Either way I found myself sucking out everything out of people until they just had to cut me loose to save themselves from my bottomless pit.  Then when it inevitably self destructed then I was Icarus fell trying to fly with a good woman and my wings melted under her glow. The other half of the time I was Dante who only willing plunged deep into Hell's depths to rescue her. I was so pissed at this guy I had respected so much being so stupid. Why couldn't he just be ok being alone for at least a month hell two weeks? Then I look back at my own track record and oh why couldn't I for so long?

Its hard to maintain rigorous honesty and a resentment against someone else for doing the same crap your doing. When I take the focus off my very little story in my head and try to be the huge dramatic story God is telling I see the role I'm playing isn't always the role I'm supposed to be playing at all. A love story of God's restoration set against a backdrop of a  fallen world at war is how John Edlridge describes it and I like that. Joseph Campbell says there are really only 7 archetypes of people in the world and we all represent a subtype mixture of them at different points in our lives. I agree and rejoice in being the subtype today. It gives me a point of reference of where I was, where I am, and where I will go based on my choices how to respond to a changing life. In ten years I will hopefully have another photo of me and a group of guys who are sharing a life of pilgrims on the road to happy destiny. Chances are that it will be a different group of guys because everyone is moving at their own pace including myself. I wont be the same guy in the same place when the picture is taken. A snowflake doesn't start out beautiful it starts as a piece of debris floating in the sky that God takes and attaches water molecules to. As it gains weight it loses altitude. The minuscule amount of the water bonds to the debris and crystalize into something beautiful as a after effect.

Katefish

As found in Dictionary.com:

cat·fish

/ˈkætˌfɪʃ/ Show Spelled [kat-fish] Show IPA

noun, plural ( especially collectively ) cat·fish ( especially referring to two or more kinds or species ) cat·fish·es.

1.

any of the numerous fishes of the order or suborder Nematognathi (or Siluroidei), characterized by barbels around the mouth and the absence of scales.

2.

a wolffish of the genus Anarhichas.

3.

any of various other fishes having a fancied resemblance to a cat.

As found in Urban Dictionary:
catfish

A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

 

Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!
or
I was really falling for that gorgeous gal on Facebook, but she turned out to be a catfish.

 

By her own confession this girl I was recently with was a catfish long before she met me. She was lonely and pulled the old photo bait and switch to with this kid she met online.

 

I mean I watch the series on MTV called Catfish but never really thought it went on until I met her. No her picture was the same online as in life when she got here but facts started chipping away. For example, One of the things that was attractive was the long term sobriety she had. Oh wait she never was a alcoholic she just went to meetings for years claiming it because her therapist told her to.

Oh yes she was very active in helping young people pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ like hers but in reality hadn't been in church in years. 

 

I don't want to be that way so I usually present myself even more of a ass then normal. All my worst history is public knowledge I invite people to look at it. I make more of my insanity, sarcasm, negativity, perversion, thieving, lying ways really just to over prepare people. I'm a broken man not a saint and never want to act like I am to any one. I'll never be country club material but far from being in a biker gang. I'm just me I'm just Tomas.

 

I have a laundry list of things I wish God would just snap his finger and fix. There's probably a list most people around me have they wish God would fix as well. No I don't live transparent with everyone because that would be stupid. But I do with a few people so I can stay as sane as I know how to be. The rest get a basic overview.

 

When I say I go insane to you sometimes that translate to even though under medical care following directives medications react differently with individuals chemistry that sometimes I suffer from out breaks of symptoms . It doesn't mean I'm insane.

 

When I tell you I'm sarcastic that means my sense of humor is usually not PG-13 and sometimes down right offensive. If you have thin skin or keep young sheltered kids around you should choose not to be around me. Doesn't mean if you tell me you think its inappropriate right now I wont shut my mouth right away.

At home she lives on a small stipend of disability from the government because she has been determined by doctors unable to hold down a job due to her bipolar depression. At home her support system was monthly visits to a medical doctor on going physical ailments, a psychiatrist for ongoing psychiatric meds since she wasn't stable enough not to be seen monthly, A psychologist for therapy for a host of issues way before she met me. In the months that we lived together she switched her antidepressant and added birth control for the first time in her life into the chemical cocktail she took daily. That's not bad mouthing just plain facts of how she had been able to find a lifestyle where she was "happy".

When she moved in she continued her medications but that was the end of any support she put into her life in general but specifically dealing with bipolar depression. Of course things are all my fault Im the only person she interacted with really! What I love about my church is they have a rotating staff of pastors who teach on Sundays. The senior pastor Patrick admits that he struggles with sarcasm as much as Scott struggles with intellectualism or Erik with speaking to passionate. They all teach the word of God but each has their own voice where it comes through.  I'm not stable by any means for any lengths of time without the use of my support system. Going to meetings, church, meds, work, time with friends multiple sets in fact! I need therapy in doing service for others. I need to do really anything but sit on my butt isolating from life at my house. If you just choose to listen to my smart ass mouth then anyone would get tired of it quickly.

I feel I was catfished because the woman I thought I knew dealt with her issues in her own way. But the girl that showed up didn't do a darn thing for herself and fell apart before me. I did the best I could but really that's WAY beyond my skill set.

You can bring the girl to Texas but you cant make her happy

As a disclaimer I was going to call this Chemistry of a Car Crash after the amazing song the same titled song by The Shiny Toys Guns but seemed sacrilegious in a way. But incase you don't know it...

But then I saw this

Confessing is part of the sanctification process and aids Christians in dealing with sin and healing from it.  James 5:16 says, ”Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

I recently got out of a relationship. How serious of one is still being found out if it was real then we will still be friends. If it was infatuation out of sight will lead to out of mind out of heart.
But that's neither really here or there what's important now is just today what brought me here and what will I do today to take me where I want to be tomorrow.

So the good thing I'm walking away with most is even if it failed miserably I was still willing and able to participate. That's great take away. I was able move past Peggy's death into a actually healthy honest relationship for the first time in almost three years! That's huge progress in any account. All the others were really half hearted selfish emotionless social paradigms where all I was just a taker either by actively taking from them or passively parasitically from them taking from me.

Progress can be marked by her being or possessing most of the traits I wanted for someone to be in my life. I didn't settle for denial of or minimization of her inherent flaws. Going in I knew basically all the facts and accepted them wide eyed and openly. Now that's like saying I knew I was going to Vietnam but the whole war thing was a lot more intense than I anticipated.

Why didn't things work out? Because with the divorce rate of married couples being over 50% under the best of circumstances two emotionally screwed up people have to work harder than hell to submit to the will of God to stand a chance.

• Skipped church the Sunday before. Not a good idea because even if I know something I need to be reminded what to do and when to do it.
• Skipped the Sunday meeting in it self not so bad but with scheduling I hadn't been able to make normal amount of meetings. They are like oil changes for my head and if I go to long Ill blow my head gasket.
• Had a great game but spiked with unspoken social anxiety and went home mentally exhausted
• Didn't eat right causing blood sugar spikes
• personal anxiety over emotionally charged anniversaries fast approaching such as estranged daughter Victoria's birthday, fathers day, vacation to Memphis, sobriety birthday
• work issues on my mind surrounding finances for day to day living as well as vacation plans
•  car not running loss of independence
• regular bipolar running on the back burner
• changing weather patterns causing barometric pressures to surge causing migraine to form

So really just the normal stuff of life money, sex, family, friends, work, health, etc. with out the proper use of dozens of much needed coping mechanisms. I had a scuba mask, trained for its use, just didn't realize I needed it till I was up to my eyeballs in water and it was to late.

While none of that justifies me being a sarcastic horses ass it doesn't condemn me either. I'm a sane man who sometimes does insane things. I react normally to abnormal situations. I might not of acted in the best of manner looking back after the fact but I acted like a champ controlling a skid in a wall

• didn't raise my hands in violence
• didn't try to stuff, deny, or minimize my feelings
• voiced my unsafe thoughts in a safe manner to a safe person I thought
•  followed doctors directions with medications
• followed sponsors advice to play the tape out, to do just the next right thing
• followed spiritual mentor to be still until told by God to move
• didn't trash any of her possessions she left
• didn't get drunk, high, laid, buy shiny stuff, over eat or anything else to find relief except stay uncomfortable until the feelings passed