rabbit hole

One of the most difficult things I am trying to learn is how to have multiple levels of relationships in authentic honest levels. For most part of my life there was really on two levels in all my relationship either in the circle or outside the circle of trust. The majority of people got nothing of the real me just the chameleon like outside that reflected back whatever they wanted to see. The funny guy, the suave guy, the idiot, etc whatever script they wanted to hand me that was the part I would play. The ridiculously small minority that got somehow got past the shell had total access to me and were often shocked at the inner workings.

A few months ago I was able to catch a remarkable speaker who went into detail about how healthy people produced healthy children. One of the most confused things was how important it was to teach children how to have healthy alternating levels of mature relationships. They used this illustration of concentric circles  growing from a very small circle representing your inner circle of friends to the biggest circle of outsiders. The thing that confounded me was the multiple ones between the two. I came up with a extreme defense where I kept you out along with your love, comfort, friendship, wisdom, and ability to speak into my life or extremely open always over sharing, desperate for your approval, living like a raw nerve around you. Its been a huge battle I didn't even know I was struggling with or at least in those words

"Ogres are like onions, we have layers" - Shrek

I suppose it comes never having a center before. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; Eph 4;14. Getting sober I had to go through the idea of a Higher Power to get to God. The basic idea that something was out there bigger than all of me was the first part. We looked upon this world of warring individuals, warring theological systems, and inexplicable calamity, with deep skepticism, We looked askance at many individuals who claimed to be godly. How could a Supreme Being have anything to do with it all? And who could comprehend a Supreme Being anyhow? Yet, in other moments, we found ourselves thinking, when enchanted by a starlit night, "Who, then, make all this?" There was a feeling of awe and wonder, but it was fleeting and soon lost.  But the seed was planted at the core of my being.

There is this great scene from the Fifth Element where they grow someone from a scrap of DNA. The scientists start with bone and grow outward until they get all done and then they start hitting it with UV radiation. The military guy asks why to which they reply it is the only way to get the human body to grow skin. To protect the vulnerable flesh it will automatically grow skin for its own protection. A healthy epidermis is made of eight different layers of skin mine had one. Mine was like a hard shell of armor then a mess of goo underneath. Nothing at my center I was just a jellyfish able to be fluid to move insides around to avoid ever being hit. Buts thats not factory spec thats not how its supposed to work.

I sat and looked at a fallen tree about how strong it looked and wondered what fell it. I found myself looking at its insides at the growth rings and was caught by the number. A tree's age can be determined by counting the growth rings because they only generate once per year. it was a good size tree but it had so many more rings than I expected. Some were incredibly thin others fat. At one point someone took a swing at it due to allot of rings being broken.

That's how its suppose to work in relationships to somewhat. Its about protection but not about defense. They are two distinct different things. I hadn't ever seen a difference between the two. A defensive stance is good against a offensive stance only. It is a active form of resistance demanding constant energy to repel active hostile threats. Its a exhausting way to live.

Protection is a passive form that requires very little energy because it's not looking for threats it has been through many threats and has grown organically from them. Its not heavy restrictive plate armor but super Kevlar allowing movement. Defense protects me from a hit but cant offer any more than that. If the hit gets through then it strikes home. Protective growth protects me as well but offers many layers so if it gets through it doesn't have to hit my center.

I can have just surface relationships and be OK. I can can have deep meaningful relationships and be OK. Stuff in between is cool to. Basic construction but I missed that day in class. Most of my relationship have been either codependent where I get everything from a person or completely independent where I didn't need them at all. Sometimes on the same day. Living with broken people is hard because no matter the finesse they walk with their edges always cut when they get close. As soon as I got close enough to feel the bleed the wall would go up and I would stay till it sawed through or I would run away.

One of the things Dr. Koch talked about was the importance of teaching our kids about when and how to end inappropriate relationships. That was a revolutionary moment, I have been in many many inappropriate relationships but never thought about a healthy way to end them besides losing my crap yelling making a scene or a cold severing of all feelings. That relationships could grow sour and would need maintenance I got that but since I had no idea how to fix anything I just smashed them. The concept that you could end a relatioship without all the damage I just could not fanthom.