There was a game called Ascension that was basically about the laws of reality looking like science or magic. All these different group vied for reality by convincing normal people what was "real". For example one group wanted you to blow of natural cures as new age junk and trust only pills. The other group said eat this mushroom from organic farm. Yet another said the use of your physical regime would result in mid over body. Real was whatever in the room everyone except as real. It was real fun to play but man is it hard to live.
There was a awesome movie called "In the Mouth of Madness" that took the same basic concept. There was this author that was hugely successful around the world. So popular that everyone was reading his work and changed reality subconsciousness.
I asked to be shown what hidden agreements I had made. What wasn't real in my life.What had I agreed to in the heat of the moment that was whispered to me that I bought hook line and sinker.What was brought up was really surprising to me.
Shortly after Katy was born my first wife and I traveled to this thing called Conclave. Conclave was a yearly event held by White Wolf Publishing part convention, trade show, but really was a large stage for the worldwide Live Action Vampire group we had been in for a few years. We got theses amazing round trip tickets to Kansas City Missouri for a piddaly $68 a piece. We would split the room with dear friends and it was just really a planet alignment kind of event for us both to go. The hook was we had to drive to Dallas to catch the plane. So it would be drive all night to catch the first flight out at like 6 am.
We drop off the kid and fly down the highway. Couldn't of asked for a better time honestly. Great weather, great conversation, great relationship it was golden. We get into Dallas and as we are about to make the turn to the airport the car just dies. Literally we can see planes taking off and landing in front of our eyes we are so close. What had happened was our serpentine belt broke I had no clue what the heck happened. No smoke, no smell, no fluids, no obvious things at all to look at and say oh thats the reason the car isnt moving. It was 4ish in the morning and nothing was open or around really. I push the car off the road into a parking lot uphill a bit.
I was exhausted physically, confused as heck why the car wasn't running, and really just about to break in spirit with everything we had look forward to for months crashing around me, much less my wife who was just looking at me to be the man and pull something out. I had nothing manly to offer. I couldn't be the hero. I was just impotence personified.
My wife's father was a old school mechanic and Im sure if he was there if it couldn't be fixed at least would have a starting point to go from. So there wasn't jack we could do but just sit there on the die of the road in the dark till a garage open at hours away far away from any friend or family to turn to for help to even begin to know what would happen next.
I don't know looking back if it was a set up attack from the enemy anymore. In retrospect I think it was more of a Divine act to strip us of everything except each other to lean on maybe in our desperation turn to Him. That was a long shot because the only time we had ever been in a church was the hours we got married. It was a perfect crucible of suckage that would of been a great touching story we could tell at our 50th anniversary party. The time when at the edge of disaster we came together as a couple. Instead it permanently scarred us, not that we would ever talk about it openly.
I cant say what was in her heart but I cut out huge chunks of my heart during that time. It was really darkest before the dawn that night. No yelling or screaming or anything remotely as merciful.I tried my defense to joke it off but only deaf ears. I reached out to cuddle or lend strength and comfort so she could catch a nap, anything but zilch. I was quietly rejected by her non acceptance. I had failed and no mercy or grace much less rest or love was to be had. I wasn't a man because I couldn't fix the car. I couldn't protect her. I took my question as a man did I have what it takes and in deafening silence the answer was resoundingly a no.
We weren't speaking so she didn't actually say it but it was whispered loud and clear in my heart. Now when it was presented to me the quality control board looked at the evidence and agreed that bunch of bull was solid gold Gods Honest Truth. I had taken many many trips before but very few after. I couldn't risk being caught out like that ever again. If I did they weren't fun because of all my need for control or the heights of my anxiety of what could go wrong. It caused allot of friction with Peggy. It damn near broke my relationship with my family for good. I missed out on so much. The second agreement I took in was unless I had it right I would never be worthy of comfort and love never.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. Luke 4:18
Agreements are like bars imprisoning us in our cells. I never realized how deep that virus was in my programming. I never thought about that night except in passing for decades now. It amazed me how something I never thought about controlled me for so many years now. I sat down and just prayed for God to come in like the marines and break that agreement. To return to me my freedom to go see the world He made for me without it being such a huge deal. To rain down missiles destroying that bear trap on my heart because I'll never have it together but still how He love me so. To allow myself to be broken and be loved still. This last year has been such a assault that I have just been white knuckling it. The fear if I showed just how out of answers of what to do next everyone would just pull back from me.
I am a man just not like the cookie cutter model they show on TV. I have many other worthwhile things about me.
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