rabbit hole

One of the most difficult things I am trying to learn is how to have multiple levels of relationships in authentic honest levels. For most part of my life there was really on two levels in all my relationship either in the circle or outside the circle of trust. The majority of people got nothing of the real me just the chameleon like outside that reflected back whatever they wanted to see. The funny guy, the suave guy, the idiot, etc whatever script they wanted to hand me that was the part I would play. The ridiculously small minority that got somehow got past the shell had total access to me and were often shocked at the inner workings.

A few months ago I was able to catch a remarkable speaker who went into detail about how healthy people produced healthy children. One of the most confused things was how important it was to teach children how to have healthy alternating levels of mature relationships. They used this illustration of concentric circles  growing from a very small circle representing your inner circle of friends to the biggest circle of outsiders. The thing that confounded me was the multiple ones between the two. I came up with a extreme defense where I kept you out along with your love, comfort, friendship, wisdom, and ability to speak into my life or extremely open always over sharing, desperate for your approval, living like a raw nerve around you. Its been a huge battle I didn't even know I was struggling with or at least in those words

"Ogres are like onions, we have layers" - Shrek

I suppose it comes never having a center before. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; Eph 4;14. Getting sober I had to go through the idea of a Higher Power to get to God. The basic idea that something was out there bigger than all of me was the first part. We looked upon this world of warring individuals, warring theological systems, and inexplicable calamity, with deep skepticism, We looked askance at many individuals who claimed to be godly. How could a Supreme Being have anything to do with it all? And who could comprehend a Supreme Being anyhow? Yet, in other moments, we found ourselves thinking, when enchanted by a starlit night, "Who, then, make all this?" There was a feeling of awe and wonder, but it was fleeting and soon lost.  But the seed was planted at the core of my being.

There is this great scene from the Fifth Element where they grow someone from a scrap of DNA. The scientists start with bone and grow outward until they get all done and then they start hitting it with UV radiation. The military guy asks why to which they reply it is the only way to get the human body to grow skin. To protect the vulnerable flesh it will automatically grow skin for its own protection. A healthy epidermis is made of eight different layers of skin mine had one. Mine was like a hard shell of armor then a mess of goo underneath. Nothing at my center I was just a jellyfish able to be fluid to move insides around to avoid ever being hit. Buts thats not factory spec thats not how its supposed to work.

I sat and looked at a fallen tree about how strong it looked and wondered what fell it. I found myself looking at its insides at the growth rings and was caught by the number. A tree's age can be determined by counting the growth rings because they only generate once per year. it was a good size tree but it had so many more rings than I expected. Some were incredibly thin others fat. At one point someone took a swing at it due to allot of rings being broken.

That's how its suppose to work in relationships to somewhat. Its about protection but not about defense. They are two distinct different things. I hadn't ever seen a difference between the two. A defensive stance is good against a offensive stance only. It is a active form of resistance demanding constant energy to repel active hostile threats. Its a exhausting way to live.

Protection is a passive form that requires very little energy because it's not looking for threats it has been through many threats and has grown organically from them. Its not heavy restrictive plate armor but super Kevlar allowing movement. Defense protects me from a hit but cant offer any more than that. If the hit gets through then it strikes home. Protective growth protects me as well but offers many layers so if it gets through it doesn't have to hit my center.

I can have just surface relationships and be OK. I can can have deep meaningful relationships and be OK. Stuff in between is cool to. Basic construction but I missed that day in class. Most of my relationship have been either codependent where I get everything from a person or completely independent where I didn't need them at all. Sometimes on the same day. Living with broken people is hard because no matter the finesse they walk with their edges always cut when they get close. As soon as I got close enough to feel the bleed the wall would go up and I would stay till it sawed through or I would run away.

One of the things Dr. Koch talked about was the importance of teaching our kids about when and how to end inappropriate relationships. That was a revolutionary moment, I have been in many many inappropriate relationships but never thought about a healthy way to end them besides losing my crap yelling making a scene or a cold severing of all feelings. That relationships could grow sour and would need maintenance I got that but since I had no idea how to fix anything I just smashed them. The concept that you could end a relatioship without all the damage I just could not fanthom.

Perception

Last weekend on the trip to Mo Ranch we talked a lot of about agreements. A agreement is where the Enemy offered up truth and we agreed with it. They are real subtle in the way they come up because they aren't formal just quiet arrows shot directly into your heart to poison slowly.

There was a game called Ascension that was basically about the laws of reality looking like science or magic. All these different group vied for reality by convincing normal people what was "real". For example one group wanted you to blow of natural cures as new age junk and trust only pills. The other group said eat this mushroom from organic farm. Yet another said the use of your physical regime would result in mid over body. Real was whatever in the room everyone except as real. It was real fun to play but man is it hard to live.

There was a awesome movie called "In the Mouth of Madness" that took the same basic concept. There was this author that was hugely successful around the world. So popular that everyone was reading his work and changed reality subconsciousness.

I asked to be shown what hidden agreements I had made. What wasn't real in my life.What had I agreed to in the heat of the moment that was whispered to me that I bought hook line and sinker.What was brought up was really surprising to me.

Shortly after Katy was born my first wife and I traveled to this thing called Conclave. Conclave was a yearly event held by White Wolf Publishing part convention, trade show, but really was a large stage for the worldwide Live Action Vampire group we had been in for a few years. We got theses amazing round trip tickets to Kansas City Missouri for a piddaly $68 a piece. We would split the room with dear friends and it was just really a planet alignment kind of event for us both to go. The hook was we had to drive to Dallas to catch the plane. So it would be drive all night to catch the first flight out at like 6 am.

We drop off the kid and fly down the highway. Couldn't of asked for a better time honestly. Great weather, great conversation, great relationship it was golden. We get into Dallas and as we are about to make the turn to the airport the car just dies. Literally we can see planes taking off and landing in front of our eyes we are so close. What had happened was our serpentine belt broke I had no clue what the heck happened. No smoke, no smell, no fluids, no obvious things at all to look at and say oh thats the reason the car isnt moving. It was 4ish in the morning and nothing was open or around really.  I push the car off the road into a parking lot uphill a bit.

I was exhausted physically, confused as heck why the car wasn't running, and really just about to break in spirit with everything we had look forward to for months crashing around me, much less my wife who was just looking at me to be the man and pull something out. I had nothing manly to offer. I couldn't be the hero. I was just impotence personified.

My wife's father was a old school mechanic and Im sure if he was there if it couldn't be fixed at least would have a starting point to go from. So there wasn't jack we could do but just sit there on the die of the road in the dark till a garage open at hours away far away from any friend or family to turn to for help to even begin to know what would happen next.

I don't know looking back if it was a set up attack from the enemy anymore. In retrospect I think it was more of a Divine act to strip us of everything except each other to lean on maybe in our desperation turn to Him. That was a long shot because the only time we had ever been in a church was the hours we got married. It was a perfect crucible of suckage that would of been a great touching story we could tell at our 50th anniversary party. The time when at the edge of disaster we came together as a couple. Instead it permanently scarred us, not that we would ever talk about it openly.

I cant say what was in her heart but I cut out huge chunks of my heart during that time. It was really darkest before the dawn that night. No yelling or screaming or anything remotely as merciful.I tried my defense to joke it off but only deaf ears. I reached out to cuddle or lend strength and comfort so she could catch a nap, anything but zilch. I was quietly rejected by her non acceptance. I had failed and no mercy or grace much less rest or love was to be had. I wasn't a man because I couldn't fix the car. I couldn't protect her. I took my question as a man did I have what it takes and in deafening silence the answer was resoundingly a no.

We weren't speaking so she didn't actually say it but it was whispered loud and clear in my heart. Now when it was presented to me the quality control board looked at the evidence and agreed that bunch of bull was solid gold Gods Honest Truth. I had taken many many trips before but very few after. I couldn't risk being caught out like that ever again. If I did they weren't fun because of all my need for control or the heights of my anxiety of what could go wrong. It caused allot of friction with Peggy. It damn near broke my relationship with my family for good. I missed out on so much. The second agreement I took in was unless I had it right I would never be worthy of comfort and love never.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. Luke 4:18

Agreements are like bars imprisoning us in our cells. I never realized how deep that virus was in my programming. I never thought about that night except in passing for decades now. It amazed me how something I never thought about controlled me for so many years now. I sat down and just prayed for God to come in like the marines and break that agreement. To return to me my freedom to go see the world He made for me without it being such a huge deal. To rain down missiles destroying that bear trap on my heart because I'll never have it together but still how He love me so. To allow myself to be broken and be loved still. This last year has been such a assault that I have just been white knuckling it. The fear if I showed just how out of answers of what to do next everyone would just pull back from me. 

I am a man just not like the cookie cutter model they show on TV. I have many other worthwhile things about me. 

Story as a vehicle

Telling me truth with out providing me a framework of comprehension is useless. None of us are stupid by any means but most of us are cluless still because the amount of knowlege being given to us we cant take in because we dont have a reference point. I couldnt stand reading the bible for example because all the thees and thous kept tripping me up those are not words I use on a daily basis. So hiding them in my heart was as good as hidding trionomemety equasions from high school to comfort me in the rough times of my life.

A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24
This has really became a foundation verse in my life over the last few years. Despite how much I has fought it. the harder I fight something is uasually a good indicator of truth.

For example, way before i started on my road seeds were planted. I read Shakespear in high school and so St. Crispin day Speech I was familar with. but the truth in it eluded me because i had no framework to set it against. So many years later I saw a movie called Renissance Man about a bunch of army misfits who were forced to read shakespear and unbeknowst them them was hidden in their hearts. When called out into battle what is hidden in our hearts is what comes out. Most of the time my heart has been called out all i had was bluster and bravado of being called out instead of anything worth while offering sterength to those around me. 

When i saw it in context i got it. The truth of camaraderie formed in ranks of men can be found in peace as well as battle. I always sublimially looked for chaotic situations to form bonds with others. It was like a reference point of remember that time when all hell went down I was worthwile there so please keep me around. I had the kernal of truth but still had it wrong. I was still convienced since I didnt have many people around me I needed alot of people around me. So I put on as many masks as i could to be whatever people wanted me to be to keep them happy and hopefully in their life. It lead to spiritual ruin because I never offered them the real me real bonds could never be formed.

Real framework came from the dumbest of places, World of Warcraft. Its a MMO computer game that a good friend played and babbled about. I wasnt into it but he was and babbled about it incessently. I picked up a roomate who just happened to play it and whenever they were together just chillin at the house I was the outsider. I hated that so I caved in to their pleas to play. brian said ill buy a copy if you will just try. He picked it up and my system was to old to run it so Clay ran to his house and literally gave me a tower just so I could play. 

I had just been through all that court mess and was so blessedly loss in this world and was saved by escapeing into another. I had a curfew I had to be home by way to early to be calm. I couldn't read from my mind racing. Warcraft offered me something to do and I jumped in with both feet. I was just playing a game but God was up to teaching me lessons Mr. Miagi style,

Lesson one: grindindg on my own would only take me so far
Evertime you kill something in Warcraft you recieve a miniscule amount of experience points that over time will boost you to the next level. to grind is to do small actions over and over and over to grind away the rock of your experience bar. The game isnt designed to be done that way. The game is designed that you do repaetive actions sometimes to teach you to play your character only. You grind a little but you make bigger chunks of experience by completing quests. harder quests earn bigger rewards. I had recieved few rewards in my real life because i hadnt really completed any real quests. i was hoodwinked into my problem being i didnt grind enough. I had admired my father in law falsley believing he was doing it right because he had had the same job for so long. Same job same pay equated security and stability for his family. something I hadnt been able to do as of yet for mine. I convienced myself that thats how you got ahead you got into a job you hated and just kept on doing it to provide for your family. i saw bills getting paid but not how it killed him inside. In warcraft i rose up levels up but missed the entire point of the game. I grinded my bar down by spending quanity of time not quality of time. i was high level but missed out on all the expriences of deeper content content. Spiritually you can do all the religeous duties till the cows come home but unless they are leading youto deeper connection with God they are just motions. I was level 60 after years of playing but i hadnt done any dungeons really and delved into the mythology of the game myself. I could tell you what to expect in the dungeons fom reading online strategy guides written by others but nopersonal knowledge. 

Lesson two: I need a wing man  sometimes
The game is designed to progress up to a point that to kill certain bosses forming a group of others of the same level would make it happen quicker. Yes you could just wait till you were more powerful and come back to kill the boss that was the option I took. It was way less fullfilling than banding together and getting the job done. think of it as going back to kindegarten as a six grader and playing kickball. well of course you can kick better than the team as the individual because you were bigger than them but your not really playing the game at that point. i would go into caves die a bunch trying to kill all the smaller mooks because the boss would take all I had. Allot of times I would catch a break and someone else would be camped out as well and we could hook up and get it done together then go on our seperate ways. I can now be standing in Home Depot staring at something and a guy can walk up and I have the courage to ask for help. Somethimes they are old experts happy to help but most times its guys on my level with bit knowledge but together our meager knowledge is just enough to figure out the small stuff.

Lesson three: sometimes it takes a group
Dungeons are designed for 5 man teams of differnt classes to be challenged in completeing them hence better rewards and higher experience. I had my skill set but in dungeons i could be the best and still suck on my own or die contimually even with a partner. he could tank and I could blast but sheer numbers demanded more blasting to be done than i could do. Battles were designed to do do so much damage that a healer of some sort be added to the group just to keep us alive. So you have a tank to take the main damage, a priest to keep him alive, two guys blasting as much as they can while they are distracted, and a fifth that played back up support. Go in with anything else and your toast. I can just hang out with people just like me because they have the same inherent weaknesses as me as well. To get through these seasons in my life I have had to form groups with different people offereing different strengths. I needed some in touch with thier feeling because mine over ran me. I needed someone who didnt talk that much because i needed some to listen to me. I had to be around talkers to speak to me because I couldnt find my own voice. I have to call on guys to step in and pray over me and take some heat off me because i was to weak. I have jumped into fight defending guys from threats in their lives they couldnt see coming. In a ideal world i would have these guys in my life but just like i learned in game when you just do a pick up group results varied. They might have skills needed but you dont know each other so alot of failure and alot of greed before need rolls on loot. I do allot of classes in church and their impact isnt as great because we are just going through the motions as individuals thrown together.and when down never in each others lives again. 

Lesson four: The best experience demands a community
A guild is a group of people supposedly commited to one another and enjoy each other. Instead of being alone in your game play you form friends with alot of people and come together. That way when your playing you get your own chat screen to add the social asspect to the game. Guild chat is awesome because your looking out for one another and interacting more often with other enthusiasts. You can pop off questions and have answers happily given. Im stuck on this dragon can I get a hand? Yep on my way. Does anyone have any cloth Im trying to up my tailoring? Sure. Its the book of Acts played out.
⁴² They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. ⁴³ Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. ⁴⁴ All the believers were together and had everything in common. ⁴⁵ They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. ⁴⁶ Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷ praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. Acts 2:42-47

³² All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. ³³ With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrectionof the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all ³⁴ that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales ³⁵ and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need. Acts 4 32-35

But man livingin community is hard to do. the problem with community is that is built with people and screwed up people at that. People come with personalities.

Lover of The Light

And in the middle of the night
I may watch you go
For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,But a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

There'll be no value in the strength
Of walls that I have grown
There'll be no comfort in the shade
Of the shadows thrown
But I'd be yours if you'd be mine
.8  If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. 
 9  If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; 
 10  Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. 
.11  If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 
 12  Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. Psalm 40: 7-12

Stretch out my life
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

There'll be no value in the strength
Of walls that I have grown
There'll be no comfort in the shade
Of the shadows thrown
 7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 

But I'd be yours if you'd be mine
"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine," Song of Solomon 6:3

And pick the seams out
Take what you like
But close my ears and eyes
Watch me stumble over and over
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9

I had done wrong

You build your tower

But call me home

Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known. Jeremiah 33.3

And I will build a throne
And wash my eyes out never again
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

But love the one you hold
And I'll be your goal
To have and to hold
A lover of the light
Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." John 8:12

With skin too tight
And eyes like marbles
You spin me high
So watch me as I glide
Before I tumble homeward, homeward

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" 
Hosea 2:14


I know I tried
I was not stable
And flawed by pride
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I miss my sanguine eyes
So hold my hands up — breathe in and breathe out
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

So love the one you hold
And I'll be your goal
To have and to hold
A lover of the light

I watch this video and am wrecked that I am not so bold to leave behind all my self protection to simple chase the light. I don't have to see it or understand it I just have to feel its effects on my life and run towards it. I dig the imagery of the Stag living wild in the woods versus the man in the house. I didn't get the blindness afflicting him until I saw him pass on the cane. What the hell was he thinking walking out the door into the wild? It makes so much sense to take every method of protection available for everyday life much less a leisurely stroll through the woods. I am so jealous of the awe and wonder in his eyes discovering this new world I am in 24/7 but cant perceive or just have become jaded towards. To move in such a manner of freedom that cars cant took him instead of being so careful looking both ways before I cross the street. My heart held its breath as he was running headlong towards off the cliff. I know that feeling all to well. What I don't know yet is that ability to hear when to stop running just in time.

Ashes to Ashes

Ring around the rosy
A pocketful of posies
"Ashes, Ashes"
We all fall down!

The thing I hate about dealing with God is that every time I get to my breaking point where I can go no further when I just say this is the hardest thing I have ever done He just rolls out another impossibility to deal with. Will I ever be able to just stand on the mountain top and say done? Well with out that whole dying part happening first. 

Pee wee baseball (6)
Dad leaving us (8)
Failing 6th grade (10)
Getting committed to a mental hospital nothing is worse than that. (12)
Watching Sara get unplugged and die from her wreck (16)

Failing to go to the army as I had planned (18)

Becoming a Husband (22)

Becoming a Father (25)

losing and being a pall bearer for Grandma (26)

ditto for Grandpa (27)

Wreck and killing a guy (28)
Laid off for first time (29)
Losing the first wife and kids (30)
Getting committed to a mental hospital yet again (31)
Getting sober (31)
Going to court (32)
Going to Jail (33)
Having to rush Peggy into the OR for a C section while Zoe chokes out (35)

Laid off for second time (36)

Losing my Dad (36)
Taking to much prescription medicine blacking out for a week, jail, separation (37)

Losing a second wife and having to give her eulogy (37)

Having to be responsible by raising our daughter by myself (38)

Spreading Her ashes (39)

I want to just switch to Hinduism or Shinto or whatever just to get off God's list. He is so fixated on show His mighty glory through my little story.

When I saw Blue October was coming I knew I had to go as the next step. To dodge this bullet would be to have comdemd me to exile in my soul till God opened another window of oppurtunity. He keeps bringing me back to the same spots begging me to step through the open door for me for my own betterment.

 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

After all went down the lack of a body the murder investigation the two funerals etc It just felt like something important broke and the fractured pieces were just rednecked together with duct tape to make work. I understood that Peg took her own life and nothing I could of done pushed her into it nor could of pulled her away from it either. What I had to deal with was my being a horses ass to her that morning. She had ditched us the day before to go drinking at her moms because I had finally said enough was enough and wouldn't put up with it anymore. It was a good choice but a really lousy presentation. 

The last moments I spent with Peg was fighting this huge battle about how something was going on that she wasn't telling me. She walks out and never comes back. I never got the chance to make right repent or just say I was sorry. The memorial service was a blood fueled with her family that still hasnt been healed. So by the time I got her back everything was done with for literally weeks. Her remains came back and as a olive branch i gave up half to her mom the rest sat for weeks in the kitchen.

I was blessed this guy I approached used some of the ashes to make this beautiful unique piece of ceramic art with part of her ashes. It was breath taking till Zoe knocked it off the shelf breaking it. Some guys have said I can fix that but it still remains in pieces.

I wanted to honor her as a wife and mother of my child but more as my best friend who never found peace on this side of life. The idea was crystal as soon as it came into my head. I would spread her ashes in the place she felt closet to heaven. On the dance floor she felt alive and lost all her awkwardness she felt. She wasn't big she was graceful. She wasn't plain but sparkling  She wasn't shy she was bold. In the middle of the crowd the isolation that plagued her fell away. Live music in its unpolished unautotuned untouched state was pure to her. We saw more live shows than I ever wanted to see. We had just started dating in February and on her birthday in April i show up with my new Blue October shirt that just came in. Its black and says "you really should be listening to more Blue October". She opened the door and gushed I kew I loved you but now I know your my soul mate. It wasn't the club and not even the band really but the coming together of all different types of people to share i something wonderful that drew her. I'm taking deconstructing church right now and it is impacting me deeply of how the true house of God has no steeple nor bricks or a single pew. That it is where ever He just happens to show up at He calls home. Airport baptist, a masque, a synagogue  or temple have a lottery's chance of having me see God on Sunday because I have seen him on a regularly basis at meetings, chance meetings, HEB, boot camps, and dance floors. 

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's a natural grace
Of watching young life shape
It's in minor keys
Solutions and remedies
Enemies becoming friends
When bitterness ends
This is my church - Faithless

It became the soundtrack to us. we saw them live many times. Listened to them constantly. the first book of poetry I ever bought hell the first book i ever saw her read was A book by the lead singer who had the lyrics of every song up to that point with personal notes of what was going on at the time they were written. I gave it to her for Christmas and she cried tears of absolute joy to truly known and loved.

So I took her for one last show. It was the hardest thing to left her go. I left part of her waiting in line where we talked in anticipated chatter of things to come. I left part of her by the woman's bathroom where i always had to wait for her, Ha! now you have to wait for me. I left part of her at the bar and had to ask a pretty girl if I could buy her a mojito for a friend who couldn't make the show. I pour some her out when the second band completely sucked and we would look at our watches for the main band to take the stage. I left part of her at the merchandiser table when they didn't have either of our size in the better opening bands shirt but plenty in the sucky ones I laughed.I walked into the crowd and as the music took over me I could let her go in the air ad she was fully present. Blue played extra long maybe just for her.

God was so kind to wear my battery out early on in the evening having my camera "accidently" got left on till it died. I so wanted to distract myself by calling a lifeline to cruise facebook youtube or whatever but be in that moment. Not even a call for prayer, what I walked in with is all I had. It was barely enough but that's God M.O. isn't it? I left everything I had been holding in me since she died out their. It was my Field of Brannockburn or Normandy. My arms hurt from fist pumping with the drum beat from every wall I didn't hit out of frustration.My voice is so ragged from singing along to every song full blast from all the screams I couldn't let loose out of grief without freaking everyone else.My legs barely move me from bouncing up and down with the penned up energy of a thousand run away I couldn't take because Zoe depended on my. I cried till my tears ran dry and no one looked at me like a freak. I wailed in anguish and no one got scared about how are we every going to put Tomas back together this time. When nothing was left in me I should of fell but invisible hand of prayer had to keep me upright I believe. I would close my eyes as tight as possible and the lights kept exploding the darkness away in perfect rhythm  I was so numb from the inside so the speakers  pounded into me shaking my liver just to let me know I was still alive.

It ended up and I just reeked from snot, tears, cigarettes  smoke, and sweat. While the humming was fresh in my ears I rolled down the window and let her go in the night sky. Gone was her softness I so craved to feel but grit remained. Its stupid but I need to feel her slip through my fingers to make it real. I didn't get to say good bye and hold her cold hand in the hospital. They had taken her eyes ad whisked her away by the time she got back from ft. Worth for autopsy nature has stole her beauty by gas displacement. Her eyes were donated. I wisely listened to the advise that I by that time I wouldn't want to see her and be scarred. Science says it take the brain over a full year to actually understand someone has died. I believe that now. There is a calmness to me of closure I have had not before.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27

This was Peg and my song at the end of alot of hard nights. We would lie in bed and just be in the eye of a huricane of crazy ad hold each other. The lyrics played over us saying things we so desperatly wanted to say to each other but just plain didnt know how to say.

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zeph 3;17

Patrik taked about the verse a couple of weeks ago. ¹¹ This He said, and after that He *said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep.” John 1 11:11 The other day and it makes sense to me now in new light.Peggy has died but she is just sleeping. We are in the same car headed to the biggest show in the history of existnace and took a sleeping pill. I am left to endure the trip alone but I am the lucky one. I get to see so much more scenery than her so many more laughs with others on the bus to be shared. She will awaken when we get where we are going and the show will be so mind blowing we wont have time to hang out because something greater will occupy our every molecule but we will stare out across the stage lock eyes and be share it together.

I have bipolar disorder. I've been diagnosed since 2004 when it was known as Manic Depressive Disorder. I have been of and on medications since then. I'll get so crazy that I get a foot over the abyss before i catch myself and go back on a new combination. It is so frustrating starting so many different combinations where they work for a few months then quit. The side effects range from the benign weight gain to the horrendous impotence. If I could get on one brew that would just work I wouldn't really care what the side effects would be. I have enough kids and walk around as a zombie thinking in my own head most of the time anyway.

My depression cycles suck but easily recognizable to me. I'll look up and wonder when the last time I saw another human being? we live in a time of technology where isolation is so easy to be in but be able to put on a mask of connectivity via text or email. To many times people have bought my lies of just been busy to get together when in reality I just cant get out of the bed.

Depression symptoms may include sadness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, uncontrollable crying, change in appetite causing weight loss or gain, increased need for sleep, difficulty making decisions, and thoughts of death or suicide.

My job has changed from being in front of say 300 hundred people a day and being drawn out bit by bit to mostly being able to stay busy physically isolated from everyone else from work. At home its super easy to just get Zoe distracted to leave me in a brooding mood. I don't have anyone to answer to or be honest with about anything going on. In fact I have perfected the art of holding it together till 8 o'clock when she goes down to break down privately.

I started using methamphetamine's as a sort of self medication in 2003. Well first it was just fun but then I made the connection of if i was feeling bad I could use and feel normal. Not even super better just normal. When I'm in the funk sometimes there is just enough clarity to realize how down I am to fear staying down in that pit so I would do whatever i could to drag myself out. then I got addicted and screwed up my whole good plan.

My depression I fear but my mania I long for not so secretly. It's me to the extreme degree.

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement

• Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile

• Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep

• Rapid talk, talkativeness

• Distractibility

• Racing thoughts

• High sex drive

• Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans

• Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job

• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional

• Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

I want to smile so big my daughter jumps into my lap
And I wanna tell her daddy's fine and always plans to be
Then take her in my arms
This is what we'll always see- Blue October, Blue Skies


I have allot of good social traits that when I go hypomania its like being on a Hollywood stage 24/7.
Hypomania: At first when I'm high, it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ... but somewhere this changes.

In the early cycle everything is sparkly with this glow of possibility. I am fun, casual, life of the party, the dancing monkey everyone loves to watch dance and clap for.i get so many wonderful story ideas I cant even write story's I can only write down seeds. Then the carousel starts to spin a little to fast for me. 

Mania: The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.

It's like having a heart on fire to it catching your entire skin. Early on I would catch myself on the party train at a velocity that scared me so I started to drink heavy to slow the train. My dad was a alcoholic growing up so drinking made me nervous at that amount. So I turned to painkillers i stashed from migraines or car wrecks to bring me down.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I really just wanted to self medicate this thing in my head I never planned on over doing it to form a addiction.My twenties were a lab experiment in self medication gone horribly horribly wrong. I didn't know I had a organic disorder or that it had tripped a genetic switch where I go from a social casual user to a addict. I went from a pickle to a cucumber somewhere in the blur. From birth I had a huge problem being a alcoholic i just hadn't drank yet. I honestly think that God allowed me to start drinking to save my life. i had a disease with no obvious symptoms well at least to me.

"God forgives, man kills" -Chris Claremont, The X-men

After a maniac cycle I feel like Bruce Banner or Ben 10 when they loose the mojo and they drained back to puny mortals. So drained on all levels physically, mentally, emotionally, and worse financially. Just joking not about the money I'm always broke but the worst part is the spiritual demoralization that set in. Everything else just regenerates back to normal. 

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". Romans 8:1

I first found healing in learning from others that what I did with the symptoms wasn't curing the disease.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. - AA Big Book

I am hellishly difficult to live with most of the time because I am broken on so many areas. A really good friend texted me  "i hate when you get in these moods." My brother was honest and loving enough to tell me "i want to say something to sometimes about what your putting out but i just don't understand'. Brothers me to.

I took cultivating Disciple at Stonegate last month and it kinda broke it down real eloquently. We are born into these meat suits flawed as heck. Genetically disposition for bad eyesight, baldness, diabetes, alcoholism, and yes bipolar disorder. We are limited mentally by the limited information and experience that we have gathered only up to today's point.   Most of that is twisted by the filter we have form biased perception how we see that information as it comes in. Then to make the trifecta of crap we are born spiritually dead as enemies of God. 

What great news! No wonder I have failed so often to such a magnificent degree. I equate to a 10 year old with my finger in the levee when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. How many times have I sat in regret and told someone honestly  " If i could change I would" and tried to but ended up in the same spot. God is the healer and He makes house calls still.

But it's not easy as a snap of my fingers. Recovery from the grave takes time an that blows chunks. i mean it looks good on paper but walking it out is rough.

In a monomyth, the hero begins in the ordinary world, and receives a call to enter an unknown world of strange powers and events. The hero who accepts the call to enter this strange world must face tasks and trials, either alone or with assistance. In the most intense versions of the narrative, the hero must survive a severe challenge, often with help. If the hero survives, he may achieve a great gift or "boon." The hero must then decide whether to return to the ordinary world with this boon. If the hero does decide to return, he or she often faces challenges on the return journey. If the hero returns successfully, the boon or gift may be used to improve the world.- Joseph Campell, American psychologist, from Hero of a 1,000 faces 

I get to go see one of the sage's in my life on November 20th in Lubbock. Justin Furstein fronts a band called Blue October. He also lives with Bipolar and is recovering from addictions and a host of other things. The thing he schools me on is just being honest about life. He writes songs across the emotional spectrum and own up to the struggles, the triumphs, and the failures. I want people at my BBQ of life but only when I'm doing steaks not when its just hot dogs. I need to be a student to a sage who teaches I don't have to be sane just honest. in a dark world I'm looking for a light ahead on the path ahead. when it's pitch black from a distance a madman with a swinging at his own demons looks like he's waving my onward.

Peg and I saw them 3 times in Austin and the last time we saw them was 10 foot away on the Pick Up the Phone Tour was at Dos Amigos. It was all about suicide prevention which is just hysterically sad to me now. It will be well I don't know how its going to be. it will be the first time seeing them without her so I imagine my heart will explode when I lose myself in the music and reach for her hand its not there. But I feel I need to go as a simple declaration of life for me. To go and see another survivor being honest about being insane at times but not ashamed or imprisoned by it either. 

I wanna be that ocean
I want to shine like that
I want to smile so big my daughter jumps into my lap
And I wanna tell her daddies fine and always plans to be
Then take her in my arms
This is what we'll always see- Blue October, Blue Skies