Ashes to Ashes

Ring around the rosy
A pocketful of posies
"Ashes, Ashes"
We all fall down!

The thing I hate about dealing with God is that every time I get to my breaking point where I can go no further when I just say this is the hardest thing I have ever done He just rolls out another impossibility to deal with. Will I ever be able to just stand on the mountain top and say done? Well with out that whole dying part happening first. 

Pee wee baseball (6)
Dad leaving us (8)
Failing 6th grade (10)
Getting committed to a mental hospital nothing is worse than that. (12)
Watching Sara get unplugged and die from her wreck (16)

Failing to go to the army as I had planned (18)

Becoming a Husband (22)

Becoming a Father (25)

losing and being a pall bearer for Grandma (26)

ditto for Grandpa (27)

Wreck and killing a guy (28)
Laid off for first time (29)
Losing the first wife and kids (30)
Getting committed to a mental hospital yet again (31)
Getting sober (31)
Going to court (32)
Going to Jail (33)
Having to rush Peggy into the OR for a C section while Zoe chokes out (35)

Laid off for second time (36)

Losing my Dad (36)
Taking to much prescription medicine blacking out for a week, jail, separation (37)

Losing a second wife and having to give her eulogy (37)

Having to be responsible by raising our daughter by myself (38)

Spreading Her ashes (39)

I want to just switch to Hinduism or Shinto or whatever just to get off God's list. He is so fixated on show His mighty glory through my little story.

When I saw Blue October was coming I knew I had to go as the next step. To dodge this bullet would be to have comdemd me to exile in my soul till God opened another window of oppurtunity. He keeps bringing me back to the same spots begging me to step through the open door for me for my own betterment.

 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

After all went down the lack of a body the murder investigation the two funerals etc It just felt like something important broke and the fractured pieces were just rednecked together with duct tape to make work. I understood that Peg took her own life and nothing I could of done pushed her into it nor could of pulled her away from it either. What I had to deal with was my being a horses ass to her that morning. She had ditched us the day before to go drinking at her moms because I had finally said enough was enough and wouldn't put up with it anymore. It was a good choice but a really lousy presentation. 

The last moments I spent with Peg was fighting this huge battle about how something was going on that she wasn't telling me. She walks out and never comes back. I never got the chance to make right repent or just say I was sorry. The memorial service was a blood fueled with her family that still hasnt been healed. So by the time I got her back everything was done with for literally weeks. Her remains came back and as a olive branch i gave up half to her mom the rest sat for weeks in the kitchen.

I was blessed this guy I approached used some of the ashes to make this beautiful unique piece of ceramic art with part of her ashes. It was breath taking till Zoe knocked it off the shelf breaking it. Some guys have said I can fix that but it still remains in pieces.

I wanted to honor her as a wife and mother of my child but more as my best friend who never found peace on this side of life. The idea was crystal as soon as it came into my head. I would spread her ashes in the place she felt closet to heaven. On the dance floor she felt alive and lost all her awkwardness she felt. She wasn't big she was graceful. She wasn't plain but sparkling  She wasn't shy she was bold. In the middle of the crowd the isolation that plagued her fell away. Live music in its unpolished unautotuned untouched state was pure to her. We saw more live shows than I ever wanted to see. We had just started dating in February and on her birthday in April i show up with my new Blue October shirt that just came in. Its black and says "you really should be listening to more Blue October". She opened the door and gushed I kew I loved you but now I know your my soul mate. It wasn't the club and not even the band really but the coming together of all different types of people to share i something wonderful that drew her. I'm taking deconstructing church right now and it is impacting me deeply of how the true house of God has no steeple nor bricks or a single pew. That it is where ever He just happens to show up at He calls home. Airport baptist, a masque, a synagogue  or temple have a lottery's chance of having me see God on Sunday because I have seen him on a regularly basis at meetings, chance meetings, HEB, boot camps, and dance floors. 

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's a natural grace
Of watching young life shape
It's in minor keys
Solutions and remedies
Enemies becoming friends
When bitterness ends
This is my church - Faithless

It became the soundtrack to us. we saw them live many times. Listened to them constantly. the first book of poetry I ever bought hell the first book i ever saw her read was A book by the lead singer who had the lyrics of every song up to that point with personal notes of what was going on at the time they were written. I gave it to her for Christmas and she cried tears of absolute joy to truly known and loved.

So I took her for one last show. It was the hardest thing to left her go. I left part of her waiting in line where we talked in anticipated chatter of things to come. I left part of her by the woman's bathroom where i always had to wait for her, Ha! now you have to wait for me. I left part of her at the bar and had to ask a pretty girl if I could buy her a mojito for a friend who couldn't make the show. I pour some her out when the second band completely sucked and we would look at our watches for the main band to take the stage. I left part of her at the merchandiser table when they didn't have either of our size in the better opening bands shirt but plenty in the sucky ones I laughed.I walked into the crowd and as the music took over me I could let her go in the air ad she was fully present. Blue played extra long maybe just for her.

God was so kind to wear my battery out early on in the evening having my camera "accidently" got left on till it died. I so wanted to distract myself by calling a lifeline to cruise facebook youtube or whatever but be in that moment. Not even a call for prayer, what I walked in with is all I had. It was barely enough but that's God M.O. isn't it? I left everything I had been holding in me since she died out their. It was my Field of Brannockburn or Normandy. My arms hurt from fist pumping with the drum beat from every wall I didn't hit out of frustration.My voice is so ragged from singing along to every song full blast from all the screams I couldn't let loose out of grief without freaking everyone else.My legs barely move me from bouncing up and down with the penned up energy of a thousand run away I couldn't take because Zoe depended on my. I cried till my tears ran dry and no one looked at me like a freak. I wailed in anguish and no one got scared about how are we every going to put Tomas back together this time. When nothing was left in me I should of fell but invisible hand of prayer had to keep me upright I believe. I would close my eyes as tight as possible and the lights kept exploding the darkness away in perfect rhythm  I was so numb from the inside so the speakers  pounded into me shaking my liver just to let me know I was still alive.

It ended up and I just reeked from snot, tears, cigarettes  smoke, and sweat. While the humming was fresh in my ears I rolled down the window and let her go in the night sky. Gone was her softness I so craved to feel but grit remained. Its stupid but I need to feel her slip through my fingers to make it real. I didn't get to say good bye and hold her cold hand in the hospital. They had taken her eyes ad whisked her away by the time she got back from ft. Worth for autopsy nature has stole her beauty by gas displacement. Her eyes were donated. I wisely listened to the advise that I by that time I wouldn't want to see her and be scarred. Science says it take the brain over a full year to actually understand someone has died. I believe that now. There is a calmness to me of closure I have had not before.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27

This was Peg and my song at the end of alot of hard nights. We would lie in bed and just be in the eye of a huricane of crazy ad hold each other. The lyrics played over us saying things we so desperatly wanted to say to each other but just plain didnt know how to say.

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zeph 3;17

Patrik taked about the verse a couple of weeks ago. ¹¹ This He said, and after that He *said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep.” John 1 11:11 The other day and it makes sense to me now in new light.Peggy has died but she is just sleeping. We are in the same car headed to the biggest show in the history of existnace and took a sleeping pill. I am left to endure the trip alone but I am the lucky one. I get to see so much more scenery than her so many more laughs with others on the bus to be shared. She will awaken when we get where we are going and the show will be so mind blowing we wont have time to hang out because something greater will occupy our every molecule but we will stare out across the stage lock eyes and be share it together.