Grateful for the fellowship

"If you can’t run, you walk.  If you can’t walk, you crawl. If you can’t crawl, you find someone to carry you.” Malcolm - Firefly, "The Message"

I don't have the words to express my gratitude for the love and support that Zoe and I have received in the wake of Peggy's death. Moms working on fancy thank you cards for you but I'm not creative enough and just lazy enough to let her do it.

Where am I at depends on the second. It like when you get a bit of road rash on your knee. The initial pain is rough but the healing process is the tough part. The wound begins to scab over for healing to take place but how it shoot up and down your leg every time you move it. It itches all the time always on your mind no matter what your doing. You go back to work and its there throbbing pulsating with every beat of your heart. I hear a song on the radio and its like slamming your scabby knee on the coffee table. Unexpectedly my world is afire with pain and anguish. The sheets on the bed weigh a thousand pounds and drag across my skin like sandpaper. I feel stupid and helpless that I cant function normally and there is so much that I think needs to be done. I could not run. I could not walk. I could not crawl. that is when I didn't have to find someone, you were there to carry me.

What is to find your story with in a story within a story. Me raise Zoe alone? That's like Frodo the little hobbit who finds himself the only one who can take the One Ring to Mordor. Equally stupid crazy impossible tasks for the likes of either of us. Unqualified, untrained, to small, to weak, to well us. Good guys no offense but this task, really?

Then out of no where we aren't alone. Frodo had his fellowship and me mine.

I'm so glad to have had this fellowship surround me to see me through this.

 

Maybe your Aragon a man trying to grip who you are. Legolas all around good guy. Grumpy gus Gimli. Jack nuts like Pippin and Merry. Wise like Gandalf. Loyal and true like Sam. I dont even care if your a hater from Gondor just looking to pick it up when I drop it. I dont know what your bringing to the table i just know its more than enough.

God is telling a bigger story than any of us can imagine. More epic than we could ever dream of. It's his style to take the weak to lead the strong. Who the were the disciples? Iliterate fishermen, zealots, tax collectors, this is the who he picks? What qualifications did they have? My story and your story are tied together. Thank you for playing your part.

MALCOLM: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
ZOE: Big damn heroes, sir.

MALCOLM: Aint we just

- Firefly, "Safe"

game

I have been really thinking about my past lately seeing how God has been with me no matter where I have ran to. One place he shappered me into was into a bromance with Chris Molbee a strong Christian who just let his light shine never hiding it under a shade but never shoved it down my throat. When I needed a second family he embraced me and hasnt let go since. I came for the game but stayed for the love. Who knows where I would of ended up if it was just a game he was offering. He showed me how to be a good brother, a fantastic husband and father, what real community and family looked like. 　
Like so many other "fairy tales" by the Brothers Grimm the Tale of the Pied Piper has been glossed and sanatized for the children of the world but remain rooted in true events. Bloodline: Molsbee is perhaps the newest of bloodlines less than 50 years old but grows incrementally through the years.

Chris Molsbee started the Bloodline in the 1990’s out of his apartment. He had tinkered for many years across the world perfecting his art of the game. Once a haven was settled into he began to search out others like himself. Slowly at first but gaining momentum changing lives were ever his dice bag landed. Like the true Pied Piper of old his music to come play in the night was welcomed on the night winds of West Texas bringing out wandering souls and awakening others together.

Unlike the Pander’s or the Caitiff the Bloodline holds wishes for no political power. The Bloodline unites out of a sense of family. How refreshing it is for a member to join and find a home they never knew they didn’t have before. A place to spread their wings and fly.

Nickname: Gamers

Sect:  If you look close enough you will find Bloodline members in various Sects. The structure of the Camarilla draws as many as the unstructured Sabbat claims but is balanced by the sheer number of Independents roaming the night.

Appearance: The most common trait of the Gamer is their individual diversity. Crisp starched white buttons down shirts are just as common as filthily robes or torn jeans. You can find the young at heart rubbing elbows with old souls at gatherings.

Haven: Common to all Gamer havens is the Game Table. A good table possibly used part time for meals but is really there to have a place to roll dice, mark off hit points, and hold drinks. The table is the center of the Haven. Everything else is suited to the individuals personal tastes. Shelves of books are almost as universal as shelves of obscure movies.
　
Background: Bloodline Molsbee selects its members through a winnowing process. All are welcomed but not all can survive. They are drawn like moths to a flame but the majority fall away from lack of endurance (in spoons), lack of backbone (from significant others), or when they look into the mirror cant stand to see themselves finding a home at last in the group. The Bloodline strength derives from the mosaic of the sociopolitical range of its members. As walks of life can be found in its active membership or esteemed alumni. Your just as likely to find police officers rolling dice with strippers or church workers plotting with fry cooks.

Character Creation:  Any three Social skills are highly prized in the Bloodline to pass the time. Physical traits are admired in the tradition of Spoons. High mental traits are highly respected long term. The strength of the bloodline is found when members work together using their strength to balance out the weakness of the others. The background trait of Resources is restricted apparently at creation and through out play. No one knows why but sure hope it is lifted as soon as possible.

Clan Disciplines: Any three

Weaknesses: Not only does the Gamer suffer from their clan weakness but also they suffer from Addiction. After being thirsty for so long, once they find the Bloodline they feed and feed well. They then turn to over feeding. What starts off as a simple game for 6 hours once a month turns into a slippery slide into Addiction. Clan meetings get added on. Movie nights turn into movie weekends. Simple breakfasts at IHOP or Denny’s turn into long conversations on how to take over the city. Email boxes exploded with in OOC conversation on IC deals. A Gamer must make a Self-Control roll at –4 difficulty not to talk about the game when they meet other Gamers. Willpower must be spent not to show up at Games.

Quote: "So when are you coming over to make your character?"　

Stereotypes

• Assamite: Doc, the hidden blade
• Brujah:Bill Boone, warrior poet epitomized
• Followers of Set:Melissa McAfee, I thought she was just cold blooded just because she was a woman
• Gangrel: Josh Briles and Jae, truly wild at heart
• Giovanni:Becky Boone, death offers no rest for the wicked
• Lasombra:Stephen, The other white meat
• Malkavian:Donna, madness be thy name
• Nosferatu:Jason Poyner, if they only knew your secrets
• Ravnos: Wayne and Lucas, was any of your illusions true?
• Toreador:Valerie Wespesser. Proves why roses are known for their petals as well as their thorns
• Tremere:Tomas Lynskey, I drink the Kool Aid
• Tzimisce:Borgman, oh the changes I have seen you go through
• Ventrue:
James Walsh, it’s a scepter to rule not a club to bludgeon the peasants with  



Bloodline: Molsbee

If supermodels cant stop bullets, what good are they?

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arieIndia. Arie, Video

Dear world,
I have three daughters and they are exquisite beautiful. They are getting to that age now where you are going to start tossing all your junk on how they should "look". That scares and saddens me to no abound. It sadden me because world your so stupid about what is beautiful. You have allowed yourself to buy into an airbrushed silicone not humanly possible image golden cow as your standard of beauty. It angers me because while you can have a different opinion you don’t have to be so damn loud!

As a guy I can grow as big as I want and it’s ok. If I join the mob it’s almost expected really. The more weight the more level of importance. Chris Farley, Jack Black, Kevin James, or Seth Rogen all heavyweights in the comedic world as well as just plain heavyweights. We love them for it to. World that’s a double standard and playing dirty pool. We judge men by their personality but women by their bodies, what’s the matter with us?

Its not who we have been. The term is Rubenesque not rail thin. We have never painted stick figures and said, "Yes! That’s what we want!" Paintings like Mona Lisa or Birth of Venus or any Michangelo sculpture that we call treasures never have ribs poking through their skin. Marilyn Monroe, Jane Mansfield, and Betty Page all set the world a flame and captured and still invoke Eden in the hearts of men across the board. If they came up today they wouldn’t stand a chance. World what’s wrong? Where did we get off track? We watch Jams Cameron’s Titanic and instead of letting our hearts get carried away by the story you tell us why didn’t they get a skinny chick for the movie? WTH?

Rock and roll is with me on this one too. Fat Bottom Girls by Queen. Whole Lot of Rosie by AC/DC. Baby got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins. Just to name a few. That’s what the male heart craves, curves. Round curves not a bag of bones with sharp points!

We have got it so twisted we have 3 out 5 teenage girls have an admitted eating disorder in junior high. That’s admitted no doubt the unadmitted number is horrific sadly. We have made such surgical evolutionary jumps in the fields of nose jobs, tummy tucks, face lifts, and boob jobs we didn’t have time for cleft lip repair, cancer research, fresh water to deserts, or space exploration. It is sad to know there is a 15-year-old saving money for a boob job instead of a college fund. God’s children are starving across the oceans and we have little girls who wont finish dinner because they don’t want to get fat. Sadder to me still is the ones that eat to keep up appearances then suffer in silence and shame throwing it up behind closed doors.

I’m all for saying lets get healthy but that’s not what we are saying. Goals are good but why aren’t we telling them we love them right where they are and pace with them today. I remember I had a friend and her room walls were covered with cut out pictures from rags like, Marie Claire, Cosmo, and, 17. I asked her about it and she said it was to inspire her to be beautiful. I remember the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach looking at it still. I imagine it’s the same feeling investigators have when they roll up on pagan cult temples. They just find a alter covered in blood and filth "sacrificed" to something they are looking to save them.

World, when we stop fighting nature and just accept people like every other creation has God’s fingerprints on it and love the diversity instead of condemning everything outside your narrow field? Cardinals are awesome and yes they are beautiful with their deep red color. What about Blue Jays though? Humming birds fit in your hand and captivate us by flittering around so delicately but don’t eagles with their massive wing span stop our hearts any less? Elephant’ walking across an African plain is just as beautiful as a fragile butterfly gracefully landing on a flower.

World you are teaching all the wrong things to men as well. Your telling boys to just look at your marketing and the packaging and not the package inside. It’s stupid and dangerous and you set them up for failure. You are trying to sell them on the outside that is already fading. When you pull up next to someone do we rev the engine or yell out look at my paintjob? It’s the motor inside that keeps you on the road long term not how big your bumper is right? Why aren’t you telling boys in your beer ads to go for a strong woman instead of a bimbo in a bikini? A woman with a college degree can take care of you more at 75 than say a DD cup wearing 7-11 worker. Hair color is our determining factor? What about teaching them to look at honesty, self-awareness, and a love of God?

Proverbs 31 descibes a hella woman and doesn’t mention losing 5 extra pounds anywhere in it!
"Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Shards

Most of the time I want to be unbroken. A single sheet of perfect glass transparent to let God love and light to shine through. I never was and will never be that I will always have a sack full of brokenness. Broken dreams of who I wanted to be. Broken hearts given to careless lovers. Broken dreams of what I wanted to do in life. Broken relationships of friends and family. Broke wallets for things I want. Broken cars to take me places. Broken homes where loved should of reigned.

I had stuff I needed to get done so I carried on. I took thread and needle and sewed all my broken mismatched parts together and walked under my own power. I was the best looking Frankenstein's monster you ever saw! As long as the stench of rotting flesh didn't bother you and I keep the stitch marks covered so you thought I was whole.

I would of gotten away with it to, if it wasn't for that meddling God! The idea that maybe all those mismatched pieces were actually getting in the way was unsettling. I had finally got some movement forward how could that be wrong? How could it work except this way? God had friends step into my life and tell me how, not by my power but by his. The creature I was portraying was all wrong. I wasn't  monster trying to be human I was a human trying to be a monster. I wasn't moving forward I was a cardboard stand of what  thought the world wanted. My life unraveled as my stitching slipped away.

What do you do with a sack full of broken fragile shards? If your God you make something beautiful.

My only request in both my marriage ceremonies was I wanted stained glass. I got jipped both times and maybe that wasn't the first resentment towards or agreement that this wouldn't work out but it got added on soon enough.

Stained glass is a process of making something big out of allot of smaller pieces of glass. So that when light shines through it is marvelous. It looks great on a cloudy day but when it shines it lights up the room. A window is functional no doubt that's why so often I crave it. It is easier to be functional than it is to be complex. Functional requires a virtually no work. A stained glass window is a act of devotion in time. It is painstaking difficult to do. But what a difference it makes!

That's what God is doing in my life. He is taking my brokenness after I lay it before Him and putting it together to show the world his love. All that mess isn't taken away but rather transformed. Angry Reds, cool blues, mellow yellows, vibrant greens, royal purples, harvest oranges, my life has been colored by so many things! He takes all that and arranges it all to show his face to the world. He makes it work not by clearing all the colors out but getting in between and fusing it all together. The lead that fuses the fragile glass together is incredibly strong and weighty. A stained glass window will out last a single sheet window any day, any storm.

 

12 The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ.
13 For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.
14 Now the body is not made up of one part but of many.
15 If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.
16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.
17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?
18 But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.
19 If they were all one part, where would the body be?
20 As it is, there are many parts, but one body.
21 The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!"
22 On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,
23 and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unrepresentable are treated with special modesty,
24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it,
25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.
26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
1 Corinthians 12:12-26

My little broken piece fits with your little broken pieces if we let God be the uniting bond between us. What wonders can He do with us, I can't fathom. I have read about his handiwork and want to shine.

Time Management

Most people I know if I want to or need to I can call a home phone, a cell phone, face book them, email at home, email at work, see them in class, see them in church, text them, leave a in game message, or if in worst case scenario just go knock on their door. That's staggering to me because we are so tightly "connected" but most of us feel disconnected from people most of the time.

It occurred to me how arrogant I am today and self centered I am on how my "life" is in shambles. Historically it isn't. I am away from my children and that sucks but if I lived just a hundred years ago it wouldn't be uncommon for separation. Until the industrial revolution people had to go out of the house to work. Be it months away on a sailing ship or camping in the fields to get them plowed. You just couldn't pick up your cell to say hi. It was more about the quality of the time versus the quantity we spent with each other.

You had to clear the entire day to go visit someone because it was a ways off to get anywhere to see someone else. Community meant something deeper I think back then because neighbors helped neighbors at the drop of the hat because they were literally the only other people around for miles and miles.We live closer to each other than ever before but who knows their neighbors anymore?

With medical advances we are living longer than ever before as a people. We should be cool as cucumbers when things crash into each other because our chances are likely by the time we die it has the distinct possibility to work itself out before we die. Back in the day they should of been freaking out if they fought with their wife because they were one rusty nail away from the hereafter.

¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:  ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

God is working in my life, as he has and will ,on his own timetable. No matter how much faster it becomes possible to rely the answers He gives he doesn't move a smidge faster than he wants to. Google can give answers in microseconds but they don't nourish the soul. It is doubt that we give power to when we grow impatient with God. Faith is strengthen like any other muscle only when it is put into use.

I used to ride my bike all over the places literally dozens of miles a day. I got on a bike the other day and within the short distance to work i was wondering about cardiac care. I fell asleep troubled wrestling with issues humming The Clash's immortal song of my youth "Should I stay or should I go".  But when I woke up I was putting my necklace on as part of the whole armor of God thing. technically i know its not listed but I add it in their like a World of Warcraft trinket not necessary but helpful. I have a dog tag I got as a gift with Isaiah 40:31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Nothing I hadn't heard but so desperately need to be reminded of today.

Nothing is ever as it seems

Nothing is ever as it seems. - old saying
That can be such a true and haunting statement. It can be taken as a mantra to the heart to disable us from ever really enjoying what is happening with us. It's the serpent in the garden saying "Is that really what He said?" It erodes the foundation that a good day can be just a good day. A bad day is just a bad day. It sets up the mind to look for the other shoe to drop. I have lived under this shadow for far to long. like a thief in the night it has come in and robbed me of my joy a gold piece at a time.

"The vvision is always solid and reliable; he vision is always a fact. It is the reality that is often a fraud." - G.K. Chesterton, poet. I saw it in Love & War)

Wow that's like mental kryptonite! There is a vision I want me life to look like. Roughly Christ centered, happy, satisfied, ethical, a good father, son, and brother. Those things are true and good things. Then there is the reality of where I am today. Some frame work is up and maybe a foundation is settling in. It is fraudgulent to say that because I am not where I want to be that I am not. Not good enough, not thin enough, not clean enough, not whatever.

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 2 Cor 4:18

Nothing IS as it seems, it better by far! The lie that today is the final statement of how things are is completely spin doctering by the Enemy. The Devil runs a hell of a media campaign, literally! he puts together a photo portfolio of snapshot of all our bad days and shoves it in our face. he casually leaves out the good moments, the quiet moments of happiness, the sudden bursts of laughter that could of never been planned. Flat tires, broken water pipes, and missed bills are in there but heartfelt talks with people are tossed under the rug.

Seems like isn't as is. "People only see what they are prepared to see" - Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet. 

battle cry

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Right now I need a anthem to grab ahold of to carry me through this storm. I've always liked this quote but it is hitting home deeper in me now. It's funny how God is pacing with me in His word, classes, work, the music on the radio, the random stuff on TV. He is always by my side in the good and the bad.

Lately there has been allot of "bad". I say that in quotes because that could be of how allot of people could of perceive it to be. But honestly my bad really isn't that bad at all. Its more stupid disorganization vs. life threatening cancer. No prison time, no loss of limbs, the house didn't burn down just allot of miscommunication, friendly fire, and not taking care of what I should of been.

The Accuser is screaming a constant stream of doubt, fear, self devaluing, forever statements in my head.I'm stupid, I'm a loser, Ill always end up alone, I haven't changed at all, blah, blah, blah. Its echoed in real life by allot of people who sit in glass houses. Good Christians preaching unconditional love how we should swim in God's mercy and grace but not walking it out. I cant hate on them I tend to do the same when its close to home.

So this really reaches out to me to encourages me to keep on keeping on. To stay engaged in this life instead of just tuning out. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Tim 6:12 To stay in the fight is hard when you haven't had a victory in a while. But I have had victory, allot of it! When the crap it the fan I had victory in getting tighter with God, I saw true friends step up, a church getting my back, family rally, all these are good things. I should be so inspired how God as the Father has come to rescue me, so i choose to be today.

It also serves to remind me to be humble. Allot of people are trying  and coming up short. It's easy for me to sit on a throne of false pride and  Lord knows I have done it more than my share. It bite me in the rear to take up Patrick's challenge of reading Philippians each day because it gets stuck in my head. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philippians 4:8 The Enemy did his best to dislodge this but when the dust settled it was still hidden in my heart. Now if I could just put on a flash drive to my head!

"Be kind to everyone you meet, they are fighting a great battle as well" - Plato

Scars

So first of all, a warning. What you find here you may not like so turn back now. Here there be dragons.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
Rise Against, Swing Life Away

1%. Doenst seem like a very big statistic. So small its easy to overlook. Just one out of a 100 people you know. However actually how many people do we know. How many people do I came into contact with each day? At church thats huge easy a couple thousand at a full service so there is 20 people there. If at work i only help one customer per five minute thats at least 1 person per five hour shift. I go for grocerries at HEB or worse yet Walmart thats easy 5 or 6 I might of bumped into.

The 1% I'm talking about is the 2 million American people who admitted in 2010 according to Scott's counseling that admitted to self injury. Each one a soul brave enough to actually say something. That's a staggering number! More so the number that suffer it in silence!

I was talking to someone about how I really had that urge recently to do some more cutting. I have had a problem with self injury for many years till I got turned onto booze and drugs. After Dad died I had my first really serious relapse into it.  It comes and goes, last month I had a small relapse. They responded  "that it wasn't really a problem except for 14 year old emo kids and they got embarrassed when I wear shorts and people see my scars". My blood is still boiling when i think about that statement. Yes I agree I was a 14 year old ish kid who was in fact into the Cure, Smiths, and Pixes when I started but that was a while back. I know I'm not the only 14 turned 37 who is still willing to do whatever it takes to feel different.

"Be kind to everyone you meet, everyone is fighting a hard battle."- Plato

My first roommate had horrible knuckles. Busted up from hitting so many walls and like Russian roulette finding studs.

I know a guy who has a plastic nose due to his cocaine addiction.

I know a girl who has a horse voice from the vast amounts of stomach acid that ate away her vocal chords because she was to fat and throw up everything except bottle water and unbuttered unsalted popcorn.

Got a friend who has no idea how she will ever get out of debt but cant stop spending.

In confidence a woman told me she would never be pretty so she just keeps eating to be "the fun big girl"

To a friend his family who thinks Bi Polar is just the newest craze and he is just the failed brother the pain in the ass who never gets it right

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare
You saw it comin’ but it hit you out of nowhere
And there’s always scars when you fall that far
- Tobymac, Get back up again

Broken people all have scars. Some of us are better hiding them. The most unfortunate are those who can hide them on the inside. Bloody knuckles are easy to see a problem something you cant see you don't ask about.

In the 1982 there was G.R.I.D. (Gay-related immune deficiency). A horrible life snatcher that jack squat got done about because it was a gay disease. A disease that only affected a small percentage of people. Way less than 1% of Amercians. Now four years later in 1986 when enough "regular" people was effected it was renamed HIV and people started paying attention.

Why do we wait so long to help each other? Matt 25:45  "Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’

 Whatever your faith is, none of them approve of being a horses ass to your fellow man.Thank God for my scars. They are badges screaming into a cold world I'M STILL HERE DAMN IT! Its not pretty Ill grant you. But Mark 2:17 lays it out "And hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

The scarred, the misfit, the outcast, the weirdo, the contagious, the last kid picked for the soccer team, the girl who never got asked to the dance. You'll find us likely clump in the lost and found dustbin that to find us on the cover of people magazine but that's cool we got Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost."

So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways
All my underdogs, we will never be, never be
Anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on, and come on, and
Raise your glass
- P!nk, Raise your Glass

I say a prayer for all those "perfect" and "normal" who can talk smack about how they can see my scars but cant see the healing that took place for the rent flesh to mend together in such a "unsightly' manner. They see old track marks but not the clean recovery time between. The older model paid off car but not the guy putting groceries on the table instead of a new car payment. The punk kid working behind the counter of McDonald's flipping his burger but not the first person to graduate from college in his family.
 

"Success is not measured by the heights one attains, but by the obstacles one overcomes in its attainment" - Booker T. Washington

If all I ever do is just break even in this life then that's my mountaintop.

A Dare

Today I was talking with a friend and we concluded all we wanted was someone that could loves us warts and all. We laughed and joked what if everyone just knew our warts from the get go. Who would be so bold so stupid to put themselves out there. I plan on hitting church Sunday and we are in the book of James so I decided to read ahead get ahead of the game. James 5:16 screamed out at me "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

So Geronimo
My wart is the fear that I am so damaged on such a deep level that my very existence is a affront to God. That he wants nothing to do with me and I disgust him. I cant grow deep commitments to others out of fear they will see me as I see myself and go running so I drive them away first. I have trouble thinking of any other solution than a final one for any problem. My answer to every problem is scorched earth, burn it all so the enemy has nothing. I was a jack ass and loss a really nice messenger bag this week because it was filled with stuff i never planned to use again so it got thrown away. I run whenever someone gets close and believe only  the lies of my enemies not any of my defenders. I lead with the chin to go out in the 1st rounds because I don't believe I can last till the 10th.

Who could love someone like that?

Only God, and that's why he is my wart remover. I know Ive been changed because I hate myself a little less today than I did yesterday. Hope is a weed that has sprung up and despite my best efforts is growing wild. And trust me when I said I have tried to kill it it is like the super dandelion of the soul. In a field of black thorn that little white ball of fluff mocks me. I rush down and napalm the area with discord and sin till nothing but ashes remain. Satisfied i turn around to head back to the Cave of Doom and damn it if two more dandy lions have sprouted. I will never make the cover of Bitter homes and sunken gardens with dandelion's in my briar patches!

So I dare you no I triple dog dare you whats your wart? Whats the thing you hope no one ever finds out about you? I know most wont out of fear. But I know at least one person will read this and pray for me and that make fear smaller knowing healing is incoming.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

 Theodore Roosenvelt

Joe told me early on he didn't know what it would take to get me to the other side but damn it sure did feel better than where i was now.

Bourban street

"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."
Zechariah 9:12 New International Version

I saw Rita slam New Orleans and spilt tears when Katrina broke the levees and drowned the city. When the waters receded the damage that we had seen was nothing compared. Third world conditions overnight in the most powerful country in the world. The property damage was nothing but nails and studs compared to the history that was washed away.

And next year despite all sensibility they held Mardi Gras. In this article the reporter asked "Why? Everyone would understand." And it would be true there still wasn't running water to portions of the city most of the major infrastructure repairs hadn't been started. Grisly as it sounds there were still bodies to be buried and ones that floated up that needed reburying. The guy replied "because because of all the unfortunate things that had befallen New Orleans the People needed to celebrate just still being alive." 

That really has stuck with me over the years. We talk in metaphors of bring up up our boxes of crap from the basements of our soul into God's light of truth. I don't think we say anything about those freaking roaches that fall out as we head upstairs. we toss the boxes to the curb to be hauled off but what about those left over roaches? Childhood sexual abuse brought up talked it to death don't think about it for months then one day the smell of some guys smell has be bursting out of my skin with cold sweats.Abandonment issues bring them up spread all that crap in the sun get it all out there and done with but flip the hell out when someone needs space.

This has been the second worse week of my life. And lord knows theres allot of front runners gunning for that title.Edison said " I never failed in making the light bulb I just found 10,000 ways how not first" Lord I am your prisoner of Hope your bondservent paid for in blood I feel Like New Orleans filthy broken stagnant but if you say we are going to have Mardi Gras then Ill grab some beads mix a pitcher of hurricane's, and dress up as a frog if you ask me to. What my heart has lost fulfill your promise is all I ask.

matt 18

   ²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[h] was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  Tomas and his life of accidental and well intended sin's 
   ²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. Jesus took my place on the cross and paid in blood my debt
   ²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.^[i] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. Peg, jason, Paul, Rebbecca, Wayne, hell most anyone I have been around lately really!
   ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
   ³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. Well not prison but sure as hell hardened my heart to them. Pulled away emotionally ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
 
ok  if nothing changes....
   ³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
   ³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

So if we know how the story goes lets change it. Zoe watches this PBS show Super Why about this group of kids that go into stories and its always the same format. They are stuck in their "sin" because thats is whats  written on the page. And its always just one word that turns it all around.

Tomas heart is full of anger to those around him.

What word would be best to replace Anger  with  Love, mercy, maybe forgivness. Any would work really. I know Im a sinner and have been forgiven by my father and have not shown the same to my brothers and sisters. Let me be free of myself and these temperal feelings. Lord let me love others and serve them as you have done so graciously to me. Abba assult my heart and break the iron chains binding it from loving freely. From this cell of my own making hear my plea and give me a spoon to dig a tunnel till i can find the key. Free me from myself. I deserve your wrath and by the blood of your Son you have spared me. I dont want to ask for anymore for you have given so much but I am in need of you more. I come to you as a scared child with my bowl of grace spilt on the floor again, I come knowing I dont deserve a second chance hell lets be honest 502cd helping. And yet you pull me close and ladle heaping spoonfuls down my throat till my physical stomach is bursting at its seems. Lord let me never know satisfaction curse me with endless hungery for more of you.