Does the manna come in cool ranch or spicy buffalo?

“If you live in the dark a long time and the sun comes out, you do not cross into it whistling. There's an initial uprush of relief at first, then-for me, anyway- a profound dislocation. My old assumptions about how the world works are buried, yet my new ones aren't yet operational.There's been a death of sorts, but without a few days in hell, no resurrection is possible.” Mary Karr

How thankful that God hears my prayers and speaks back what I need to hear. Also that since as a cosmic being his voice would melt my entire being that he uses others to pass it along. How often that I have ignored him just because he wasn't responding to me in a manner I was looking for. I wonder what else I missed while looking at to the sky instead of the posted warning signs on the road.

When the Hebrews were released from the really self imposed bondage of Egypt they were blessed not only with their freedom but were front seat witness to some pretty awesome and horrific displays of Gods power in the form of miracles. He had hardened pharaoh's heart so he wasn't doing the show to change pharaohs mind to Moses. He was doing it to show the Hebrews and the Egyptians. I take a lot of comfort in that when trying to make sense of my past. Things happened for a reason. At times I was under the whip of others and needed saving to show God mercy. At others time I held the whip so one day I could show others Gods grace by his love for me even then.   

So they hit the road and once they get past the Red Sea and the building starts to fade away Is where it starts become real. While it sucked, slavery was the normal way of life for generations and this wasn't normal yet. It was just as hot just as dirty as back home but just different in every other way! Gruel was wretched but served on time. It was dark as heck to get up to go piss in the desert in the city there were at least torches and latrines. It blew to haul heavy stones on their backs but there was a taskmaster with a physical blueprint showing what the outcome would look like. Now they were just walking following someone that had no map just following the voice of God.

That's where I found myself lately. Happy to be out of the bondage of my past but just freaking trudging the road to happy destiny. Walking in a unfamiliar territory of freedom following what I hope is the voice of God and not a tumor pressing down in just the right spot to make me hallucinate.  

I never felt comfortable in my own skin back in Egypt but I was comfortable in my surroundings no matter how dysfunctional they were. Now I'm a stranger in a strange land having to learn a whole new set of rules of living in a constantly changing landscape. I would be cool if God would say like airplane stewardess " this trip will take 40 years so enjoy the in flight movie." Instead of a voice calling me to a new land.

Everyone asks me what can they do for me to my reply is nothing I'm good. This is true in the respect that God has taken care of my daily bread type needs. False in the respect that what I need most is just encouragement to take the next step. To be reminded where I'm going when I can only remember where I have been. To let me know I'm just in the middle of a great and epic journey. That some battle will be lost but the war is won. When I'm in a dark place and my single candle flickers against the darkness bring your flame near until our combined light displaces the darkness. Hold my hands to just let me now that your nearer to me than far. If I get lost in the dark before the dawn send up a signal flare to guide me where you are. If I get lost in the forest show me the trees.

Pins and Needles

Its going to be triple digit heat this afternoon but some how I find myself in a season of spring. I know I was in winter but didn't see the transition fully till I found myself in the middle of it. Maybe its from living in West Texas for so long that I have lost all sense of what passes for regular seasons any more. The motif of seasons is one of the few ways of making sense of my life. The only other I have found helpful in plotting where I am in the story of my life is The Hero Cycle by Joseph Campbell.

But the seasons is my go to when I ask where the hell am I. Probably because I have always judge my insides by the outsides of others. My secret hope is that it is actually a primal long to return to the plan. We were made from the dust of the Earth who was already here before us so if it work for the land maybe it could work for me. Hard to argue with millions of years of nature going through natural disasters and still standing. Eldridge says that "where man fails to convey all God has to say, He still has nature speaking for him."

I feel a lot of things right now and I hate it. Its like when your falls asleep and you get up to move after a good movie. It just hurts so bad to have blood flow rushing in and nerve endings coming back to life. Spring is a season of new beginnings. Winter is easy in a lot of ways because your just keeping alive off of last years bounty. Its about conservation of energy in a harsh environment. Spring is when the death frost starts to melt away and life begins to return but it is the most time consuming season as well. Its long days of hard work not only assessing how much damage was done over the winter but to get the jump on the work needing to be done to grow crops. Its rough work to dig into the sleeping resisting to awaken ground to make rows. Its easier in fall to harvest than to plant in spring. Both are back breaking labor but in fall you have your fruit of your labors in your hands. In spring you got nothing to show yourself but seeds and hopes. You do all the labor and there's more than a good chance  that you will harvest nothing.

I don't know if it was manifest destiny that drove the western expansion of America or just the resentment of their damned neighbors. Inspired or deranged all the people of God  look about the same a lot of the time. Who in their right mind would take to the wilderness and has the balls to dream of what could be? I used to think my grandparents super rich because they had so much stuff. Anything my grandfather needed he would go and have it most of the time already. Truth is a secret I am just now finding out is if you stay in the same place you accumulate stuff. When your always on the move you just cant haul all that crap around!

I had the same job for three years and in the last five months I've had three different jobs. Its not huge but it effects you. Seasons change and I struggle as hard as I can but they just keep changing. Zoe is growing at this incredible rate just yesterday she was so much a sweet toddler now she's like a Taliban terrorist some days. Parts of me deep parts of me are finally cracking in the sunlight of the spirit for growth to take place. Just as I learn to be ok with being bare branches these damnable leaves come in messing it up. I love how Anne Rice talks about how she used vampires as a motif of her frozen rage against God because they never changed. Yesterday and right now is filled with good and bad. Trouble comes when I try to hold onto yesterdays bad because it never gets to cycle into good. Worse trouble comes when I hold onto yesterdays good and it sours into bad.

Yesterday my past was thrown in my face pretty hard. Mistakes from ten years ago trying to define my today. It nearly crippled me in a lot of ways because I'm still that guy. I'm still selfish, condescending, know it all, self reliant, unrealistic expectation, lying,  loud mouth, demanding, lazy, depressed, pessimistic, add what ever other short comings you like. I can see him in the mirror and recognize his actions. But what a blessing! I don't see that old man as much as I did ten years ago. Much less in the last eight. Way less in the last five. In the last two years he's popped up but more on a guest star appearance than a starring role I build my show around.  I asked God to remove my shortcomings with a honest earnest heart but he hasn't yet. So when I read about the thorn in Paul's side and his lust for serving God but bewilderment why he deals with his shortcoming I get his frustration. I probably do have the power to say exorcise a demon  but cant restructure my thought processes to beat the hell out of person who just cut me off in traffic.

What I despise about being in a season of spring is how much more I need God. How did I barely get through last winter? God sustained me. How did I know with last falls harvest? God told me. How did last Summers crops grow so big? Gods love and strength. How did I know what to plant last spring? God told me. Sounds stupid but he wont be happy until he has all of me. All it is the same trap they used on the sharecroppers. He's basically making me a slave by virtue not by debt but grace. He keeps on adding acres onto my farm so I got to go to him for more of the same that got me through yesterday for 1% more for tomorrow.

Man I cant wait for summer so I can sit on my butt and just watch stuff grow.

Where for out thou brother?

Yesterday was the second anniversary of Peggy's suicide. last year it was about missing her this year was different because it had little to do with her death as much as it was more about the events after. When such devastation happens like 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, West gas plant, Super storm Sandy, Oklahoma tornadoes, or Peggy's death I have seen the best of humanity rush in to help. Money, resources, most importantly time with the victims in abundance. Cash is sent in till coffers over flow.

I am as grateful as I know how to be for all that was done for us when we couldn't do anything for ourselves. Lost in grief, confusion, sadness, and anger I wasn't able to shower much less feed Zoe. people were there constantly or a phone call away. What yesterday was for me was the realization that how much I still need people and the hurt that they weren't there anymore. It is that realization that all that they felt was a mix of emotions and emotional frothy summer camp love.

There is a scene in a classic movie "The Breakfast Club" where people from across the social spectrum really bond through suffering under a common enemy one isolated afternoon. They then ask the question how will we act tomorrow? The movie ends without showing how they do. The hope is this event allows them to break down enough of themselves that they remain true friends. The film end with Don't Forget About Me by Simple Minds.

That's always been my secret prayer, don't forget about me. That I matter to you in some form or shape. That someone in the universe would miss me if I was gone. Well besides ex wives needing child support or bill collectors at least. In my role in my family unit as a child I would classify myself as the forgotten child because I did my best to stay out of sight out of mind out of trouble. I escaped into a fantasy world of books, games, movies, and television. I desperately wanted to be found but when no one came looking I fled deeper into my make believe world. To be honest I don't know if people did look for me because I was so far down the rabbit hole who could really. That's the problem with self defense mechanisms, they work. The walls we put up for protection get to big and turn to prison walls.

Yesterday hurt a lot because it brings me back to that day. I can forgive or at least understand why Peggy died. What confuses me is where were all those people that were there on my worst day ever? I want to respond in gratitude for their love, kindness, and generosity but most of them aren't around anymore. Most just slipped away by being ordinarily busy. Texts don't come, phone calls, aren't returned, get together's have stopped. To get anyone of them to sit down for a cup of coffee would take another death or congressional dictate.

What was so hard to leave drinking and drugs was the fake sense of fellowship. That us vs. them attitude everyone has that they accept you in a instant. Thick as thieves is the saying funny how thick as a prayer circle never really took off. I watch Sons of Anarchy and know that isn't true brotherhood but know its damn better than what I have now. I have such a deep seeded need for community placed in my heart but none of the skills needed to make it blossom. I have worn this fake mask of the Joker while dying inside for far to many years. I finally find the courage to let the sunlight of the spirit on my face and find all that I have been missing.

I do not mean to sound like I am ungrateful or anyway disrespecting any of the people in my  life that have stood by me no matter how much I pushed. Its everyone that came out of the woodwork that slunk back into it. I don't need a ton of people in my life so I was cool with people being outside the circle. But if you get in the circle then your in even if you pull horrendous crap we get over it. My heart is really bitter about the people who got close to me in my most vulnerable time to just abandon me so casually. I would rather get into a drag out bare knuckle bar fight with a person to mutually say screw you and walk off. This silent fade kills me. If you will always be there for me, where the heck are you? I don't expect sexual relationships to be anything but crap its the strictly platonic or same sex friendships that blow me away.

As a act of gratitude to combat grief I finally did the thank you cards for the funeral. I had made lists when it all went down for purely socially convictional reasons. But I really wanted to express my thanks now. It was so hard to write, or rather print because my handwriting is atrocious, thank you and not add on where the hell have you been?

My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark’d to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call’d the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is Saint Crispian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “These wounds I had on Crispian’s day.”
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.
- Shakespeare, Henry V

 Am I the only one who has scars, is that it? It sure feels like I have been through many a battle with a hell of a cast of characters.

There is a line in the big book talking about the long road of recovery before the alcoholic. paraphrased the farmer throws open the cellar door looks at the family farm completely destroyed and all he has to say is that he's happy the storm has past. Yes its good to be grateful to be alive but geez there is a crap ton of work rebuilding to be done to form any semblance of a real life again. So I think about residents of down town New York who got a check but really needed help cleaning up the debris so there kids could play on the sidewalk. Elderly people in New Orleans who might of got a new house built but have to stay indoors because all their neighbors moved away. The people of Jersey Shore who don't have relatives come visit because the pier is gone and what is there to do there now. I will always be grateful for moms AA friends for how they came in when dad died for sure for the funeral but how they have since never really left her side supporting her. 

I really think Peggy's death was a spur of the moment bad choice. That everything just got to much and just needed to be released. I sure wish she had some people in her life that she could of called more so I wish she had friends that called her even more I wish to hell she had friends that wouldn't buy her crap over the phone and sat face to face with her. The thing I heard most from her absentee friends was if I would of known she was in trouble. The second is if you need any help with Zoe just call.

I weep for Zoe she not only lost her mom but also a grandmother, a aunt, a uncle, a six pack of cousins all of blood but a host of other adopted family that have no clue about her simple because they cant return a letter or a call.