FeBROary: Leon Reed

Leon is in the hospital right now and will probably be OK. Yesterday on the boat he just crashed before our eyes. Its hard to watch someone so strong go down like that. Its like watching superman bleed for the first time. Leon is cut from that same cloth my dad was rough tumble John Wayne loving motorcycle riding leather. He runs the maintenance shop over at Stonegate and has been a influential start up member of the Stonegator motorcycle club and the men's ministries of Wild at heart, Epic, and Fathered by God.

I'm proud to call Leon my brother because he loves me. Joe is the more charismatic people person that people can identify with because he is so screwed up on the outside but Leon has such a tough hide its hard to identity with him because it seems he is so tough he must have it all together. He is such a pansy though deep down cries at the drop of the hat and is a hugger of all things.

I had always seen Leon around and actively avoided him as much as possible because he was everything I wasn’t for the first few times I started hanging around the guys. I came to classes infrequently because I had already read the books and wasn’t ready to hear anything really.

After dad died I went through the Fathered by God class to avoid going to the grief recovery class. It was the pilot class and God really got a hold of me in a big way. Enough that when they offered up the men's retreat I signed up for it. It was a uphill battle spiritually to make it on the trip. Stuff just kept creeping up in my life. I made it was totally blown away by it Friday Saturday was awesome wore myself out on the slide of death and by Saturday night I was relaxed on a deep level. I walked into the kitchen to find a friend and he was in there talking to Leon. Leon was making cookies of all things. I grabbed my friend and were headed out when Leon said He was surprised I made it in kind of a passing way.

My friend went to go grab something from his room and I was waiting for him. My guts got twisted up over what Leon said and the tighter they got the angrier I got. Who the frak was he to be surprised? Screw him! After all I fought through to get here he is going to be so high and mighty over me looking down his nose. Frak that! I marched in there and more enthusiastically than needed asked him what the hell he meant. He didn’t seemed to concerned about my righteous fury and calmly explained that he had seen me sniffing around the group for a while now but never made a effort to be part of. That he had noticed my name on the list but didn’t expect it to stay there. He had seen so many guys all on fire but burn out just as quick. He saw my name and was surprised every week when they meet to pray over our names. When you step on the path the enemy puts a target on your back. Leon said as wounded as I was it would be like chum in the water for the enemy. I was to raw to angry to sad, to hard to take to much on. Something would have to rise up from deep within me to make it and you just don’t see that happen. So when I made it onto the bus it was something special.

It floored me to be noticed. The old man had noticed me a long distance when I thought I was not worth being noticed. All along while I stealthy infiltrated their group he had eyes on me. He was proud of me for making it this far! I pictured those guys watching baby turtle cracking their shells on the beach and scrambling for the ocean. So many predators just sitting on the sidelines waiting to pick them off. Knowing the odds to get to the water was a long shot still they cheered and prayed while birds swooped in gobbling them up. The water doesn’t mean safety by any means just a different danger. Leon knew that taking up the fight for my masculine soul wasn’t over by any means the real war was only the beginning. The ocean doesn’t feel as big or as scary knowing I had Leon cheering me on.

FeBROary- Ben Spence

I was feeling so much unneccesry anxiety about Febuary to a pointit was kinda crushing me. Just a lot of real turning points  my life happens generally in Febuary. Some super special some just plain tragic. The thing they have in common is the sheer intensity its just never been a bland month really. Throw in a multi billion dollar advertising campaign geared to Single Awareness Day its just throwing jet fuel onto a bonfire

It kinda got me in a tailspin towards depression. That's my default mode in life I think honestly. Not in a victim mindset way just a very deep biogenetic hardwiring sort of way of never knowing how to feel so I learned to shut down early to pull in and seal the castle walls till the storm passes but never learned enough bought the weather to tell a breeze from a gale force wind.

After being in so many car wrecks I'm starting to try and listen for the squeal of breaks way before I'm wondering upside down in my car on the highway of life How'd this happen? Again! So to this point I going to be proactive. Someone suggested a gratitude list to me where you just basically write down what your grateful for in your life. One of the things that kept coming up was the people in my life. That rabbit took me to the brothers in my life today that rabbit lead me to look back and see he brothers in my past that rabbit lead to conclude that if I had brothers a few then, and I have more brothers now, then just by sheer logic then Ill end up old abandoned and die friendless in a alley somewhere. Sounds stupid but that the verdict from he logic committee handed down. Luckily I just don't swallow their verdicts in my life as ironclad gospel as much any more.

I choose to hope today. I think that hope is a God given blessing that is acts as a big fat middle finger to a fallen world that says screw you. Hope is a punk rock Mohawk in the face to the crew cut world of he law as much to the long haired hippies of the self serving. t tells them I'm not either or I'm greater than either separate. So I choose to hope that if I had fledgling brothers in the past, true blue brothers pacing with me today, then maybe just maybe the future holds all that was promised to me.
 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

So I will celebrate a different guy for each day of the month of February or as it will be known in the People Republic of Tomas, FeBROary. Oh don't worry I didn't forget the females in my life HOtober is coming soon enough.

Ben Spencer

I love Ben because he is comfortable in his own skin. Ben has so may social skills in dealing with people that  admire and confuse me. I'm a con man but been is able to talk as much smack as I do but he is able to do it genuinely. That's a trait I admire because I am uncomfortable in my skin and try and blend in with the crowd. Ben just doesn't seem to care what others think of him as much. He has this deep seated confidence and acceptance in himself that wen I am around him it makes it easier for me to be me. By Bens own account he is gay in every way except sexually. Very artistic, well read, able to hold deep conversation, loves art, big into theater, dresses with style. Yet he is deceiving because of his innate strength under all of that. He is a true southern gentleman who can wax philosophically on the poach but has no issues being in the field bringing in the harvest. He has a plan working at his house to be fully self supportive when he zombies attack and it's legit! Live animals fresh vegetables its going to be the Hilton of the Post Apocalypse! Ben defines masculinity standards by his strengths and at the same time defies masculinity standards by his strengths. I'm able to feel comfortable in my skin to enjoy the theatre or poetry for example around him  because he admires a beauty of God that I can appreciate.
I am grateful to have Ben back in my life. We were friends for years passing each other in various things around town but it was always accidental. A couple of years ago we wound up in the same Wild at Heart class  by sheer divine accident. Luckily we connected on a deeper level and grew close. I've been privileged to walk with him for sometime and am better for it.