rabbit hole

One of the most difficult things I am trying to learn is how to have multiple levels of relationships in authentic honest levels. For most part of my life there was really on two levels in all my relationship either in the circle or outside the circle of trust. The majority of people got nothing of the real me just the chameleon like outside that reflected back whatever they wanted to see. The funny guy, the suave guy, the idiot, etc whatever script they wanted to hand me that was the part I would play. The ridiculously small minority that got somehow got past the shell had total access to me and were often shocked at the inner workings.

A few months ago I was able to catch a remarkable speaker who went into detail about how healthy people produced healthy children. One of the most confused things was how important it was to teach children how to have healthy alternating levels of mature relationships. They used this illustration of concentric circles  growing from a very small circle representing your inner circle of friends to the biggest circle of outsiders. The thing that confounded me was the multiple ones between the two. I came up with a extreme defense where I kept you out along with your love, comfort, friendship, wisdom, and ability to speak into my life or extremely open always over sharing, desperate for your approval, living like a raw nerve around you. Its been a huge battle I didn't even know I was struggling with or at least in those words

"Ogres are like onions, we have layers" - Shrek

I suppose it comes never having a center before. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; Eph 4;14. Getting sober I had to go through the idea of a Higher Power to get to God. The basic idea that something was out there bigger than all of me was the first part. We looked upon this world of warring individuals, warring theological systems, and inexplicable calamity, with deep skepticism, We looked askance at many individuals who claimed to be godly. How could a Supreme Being have anything to do with it all? And who could comprehend a Supreme Being anyhow? Yet, in other moments, we found ourselves thinking, when enchanted by a starlit night, "Who, then, make all this?" There was a feeling of awe and wonder, but it was fleeting and soon lost.  But the seed was planted at the core of my being.

There is this great scene from the Fifth Element where they grow someone from a scrap of DNA. The scientists start with bone and grow outward until they get all done and then they start hitting it with UV radiation. The military guy asks why to which they reply it is the only way to get the human body to grow skin. To protect the vulnerable flesh it will automatically grow skin for its own protection. A healthy epidermis is made of eight different layers of skin mine had one. Mine was like a hard shell of armor then a mess of goo underneath. Nothing at my center I was just a jellyfish able to be fluid to move insides around to avoid ever being hit. Buts thats not factory spec thats not how its supposed to work.

I sat and looked at a fallen tree about how strong it looked and wondered what fell it. I found myself looking at its insides at the growth rings and was caught by the number. A tree's age can be determined by counting the growth rings because they only generate once per year. it was a good size tree but it had so many more rings than I expected. Some were incredibly thin others fat. At one point someone took a swing at it due to allot of rings being broken.

That's how its suppose to work in relationships to somewhat. Its about protection but not about defense. They are two distinct different things. I hadn't ever seen a difference between the two. A defensive stance is good against a offensive stance only. It is a active form of resistance demanding constant energy to repel active hostile threats. Its a exhausting way to live.

Protection is a passive form that requires very little energy because it's not looking for threats it has been through many threats and has grown organically from them. Its not heavy restrictive plate armor but super Kevlar allowing movement. Defense protects me from a hit but cant offer any more than that. If the hit gets through then it strikes home. Protective growth protects me as well but offers many layers so if it gets through it doesn't have to hit my center.

I can have just surface relationships and be OK. I can can have deep meaningful relationships and be OK. Stuff in between is cool to. Basic construction but I missed that day in class. Most of my relationship have been either codependent where I get everything from a person or completely independent where I didn't need them at all. Sometimes on the same day. Living with broken people is hard because no matter the finesse they walk with their edges always cut when they get close. As soon as I got close enough to feel the bleed the wall would go up and I would stay till it sawed through or I would run away.

One of the things Dr. Koch talked about was the importance of teaching our kids about when and how to end inappropriate relationships. That was a revolutionary moment, I have been in many many inappropriate relationships but never thought about a healthy way to end them besides losing my crap yelling making a scene or a cold severing of all feelings. That relationships could grow sour and would need maintenance I got that but since I had no idea how to fix anything I just smashed them. The concept that you could end a relatioship without all the damage I just could not fanthom.

Perception

Last weekend on the trip to Mo Ranch we talked a lot of about agreements. A agreement is where the Enemy offered up truth and we agreed with it. They are real subtle in the way they come up because they aren't formal just quiet arrows shot directly into your heart to poison slowly.

There was a game called Ascension that was basically about the laws of reality looking like science or magic. All these different group vied for reality by convincing normal people what was "real". For example one group wanted you to blow of natural cures as new age junk and trust only pills. The other group said eat this mushroom from organic farm. Yet another said the use of your physical regime would result in mid over body. Real was whatever in the room everyone except as real. It was real fun to play but man is it hard to live.

There was a awesome movie called "In the Mouth of Madness" that took the same basic concept. There was this author that was hugely successful around the world. So popular that everyone was reading his work and changed reality subconsciousness.

I asked to be shown what hidden agreements I had made. What wasn't real in my life.What had I agreed to in the heat of the moment that was whispered to me that I bought hook line and sinker.What was brought up was really surprising to me.

Shortly after Katy was born my first wife and I traveled to this thing called Conclave. Conclave was a yearly event held by White Wolf Publishing part convention, trade show, but really was a large stage for the worldwide Live Action Vampire group we had been in for a few years. We got theses amazing round trip tickets to Kansas City Missouri for a piddaly $68 a piece. We would split the room with dear friends and it was just really a planet alignment kind of event for us both to go. The hook was we had to drive to Dallas to catch the plane. So it would be drive all night to catch the first flight out at like 6 am.

We drop off the kid and fly down the highway. Couldn't of asked for a better time honestly. Great weather, great conversation, great relationship it was golden. We get into Dallas and as we are about to make the turn to the airport the car just dies. Literally we can see planes taking off and landing in front of our eyes we are so close. What had happened was our serpentine belt broke I had no clue what the heck happened. No smoke, no smell, no fluids, no obvious things at all to look at and say oh thats the reason the car isnt moving. It was 4ish in the morning and nothing was open or around really.  I push the car off the road into a parking lot uphill a bit.

I was exhausted physically, confused as heck why the car wasn't running, and really just about to break in spirit with everything we had look forward to for months crashing around me, much less my wife who was just looking at me to be the man and pull something out. I had nothing manly to offer. I couldn't be the hero. I was just impotence personified.

My wife's father was a old school mechanic and Im sure if he was there if it couldn't be fixed at least would have a starting point to go from. So there wasn't jack we could do but just sit there on the die of the road in the dark till a garage open at hours away far away from any friend or family to turn to for help to even begin to know what would happen next.

I don't know looking back if it was a set up attack from the enemy anymore. In retrospect I think it was more of a Divine act to strip us of everything except each other to lean on maybe in our desperation turn to Him. That was a long shot because the only time we had ever been in a church was the hours we got married. It was a perfect crucible of suckage that would of been a great touching story we could tell at our 50th anniversary party. The time when at the edge of disaster we came together as a couple. Instead it permanently scarred us, not that we would ever talk about it openly.

I cant say what was in her heart but I cut out huge chunks of my heart during that time. It was really darkest before the dawn that night. No yelling or screaming or anything remotely as merciful.I tried my defense to joke it off but only deaf ears. I reached out to cuddle or lend strength and comfort so she could catch a nap, anything but zilch. I was quietly rejected by her non acceptance. I had failed and no mercy or grace much less rest or love was to be had. I wasn't a man because I couldn't fix the car. I couldn't protect her. I took my question as a man did I have what it takes and in deafening silence the answer was resoundingly a no.

We weren't speaking so she didn't actually say it but it was whispered loud and clear in my heart. Now when it was presented to me the quality control board looked at the evidence and agreed that bunch of bull was solid gold Gods Honest Truth. I had taken many many trips before but very few after. I couldn't risk being caught out like that ever again. If I did they weren't fun because of all my need for control or the heights of my anxiety of what could go wrong. It caused allot of friction with Peggy. It damn near broke my relationship with my family for good. I missed out on so much. The second agreement I took in was unless I had it right I would never be worthy of comfort and love never.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. Luke 4:18

Agreements are like bars imprisoning us in our cells. I never realized how deep that virus was in my programming. I never thought about that night except in passing for decades now. It amazed me how something I never thought about controlled me for so many years now. I sat down and just prayed for God to come in like the marines and break that agreement. To return to me my freedom to go see the world He made for me without it being such a huge deal. To rain down missiles destroying that bear trap on my heart because I'll never have it together but still how He love me so. To allow myself to be broken and be loved still. This last year has been such a assault that I have just been white knuckling it. The fear if I showed just how out of answers of what to do next everyone would just pull back from me. 

I am a man just not like the cookie cutter model they show on TV. I have many other worthwhile things about me.