I couldn’t make it through the wild at heart class last year. I got in it knowing how much healing that has happened to me there as it being a vehicle.  I dropped out before where we got tonight. I knew the question that would be asked and I didn’t like my answer.

Eldredge states that written onto the heart of every man are 3 prime directives hardwired into a man’s soul:

·         Battles to fight- have totally come to agree with that. Man wasn’t made to be passive and without a battle to fight we just waste all that energy in all the wrong area.  Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Tim 6:12 For years I just fought for the sake of fighting. The good fight isn’t the same as the good fight of faith by any means. Swinging on the right targets makes a world of difference and a whole lot less jail time. Addiction, bipolarism, single fatherhood, keeping the lights on, keeping connected to family and friends, not walking out of work from stupid people, I have enough battles to pick from today.

·         An adventure to live- this one was harder to accept. My heart has always been drawn to adventure but the adventures I sought weren’t the healthiest. I didn’t understand what adventure meant really. I kept comparing my adventures to the adventures of others to make sense.  Once I found where my adventure laid I was able to move towards it. I no longer was forced to find “adventure” to make my little story exciting, the story god was telling and my part in it kept me plenty busy. Starting a new job, writing my stories, home improvement projects, learning car repairs, tea parties with Zoe, new recipe’s, yard work, my days are filled with less drama but more adventures to conquer and grow from.

·         A beauty to rescue- When I first digesting this it was a bitter cup to drink from. It totally made sense why God had placed Peg and me together. Why true masculine strength was needed many times over sheer macho strength. How if she was ever going to break off economic enablement from her mom she would have to learn to trust that I would keep a job so therefore I had to learn how to.

Then she killed herself, after all that good growth on my part, she still kills herself.  Rationally I get it. Long before we meet she had tried it a couple of times. While knowing each other we talked about how it drifted in and out. While I was more verbalizing she kept hers under wraps. So I didn’t cause the event to happen. I sat in enough meetings to know you can carry the message but not the alcoholic. You can take a horse to water but can’t make him drink, add nauseum.

I can be honest enough with all my knowledge though I have an agreement with the enemy that I failed her. Maybe the truth is like a friend told me, Peggy was a runaway train that I was never empowered nor supposed to stop wrecking but slowed down enough for her to enjoy some of the scenery.  God is sovereign and mysterious. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, “declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

99% of me is in line but that damn 1% pops up and keeps the pot stirred up. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to rescue Peggy from Peggy but I sure would have wanted to.

My beauty to rescue is Zoe. Rescue her from the wreckage of dealing with the death of her mother at so young. Having such an idiot as a dad. Keeping the water and lights on helps, speaking truth into her life in a world of lies, even if it’s just doing laundry and making chicken nuggets to get her grown. Most days those so simple tasks take my everything to get done. Thank goodness I don’t have to defuse a bomb to save the city because a lot of days I’m driving to work and remember I forgot to put some piece of school paper that needed my signature is on the kitchen counter still.

The best definition of victory I have come across isn't winning the medal but running the race. I haven't dropped out yet. I sat in my chair with my guts boiling in my belly hand clenched tight in fists nearly as tight as as I was holding my tear ducts from unleashing Sandy sized water works. Maybe I wasn't able to speak but I was able not to swing on anyone or any wall so all in all maybe that's what progress looks like. My battle to fight has never been bigger. my adventure to live has never knocked so loudly on my door. My beauty to rescue has never been in more peril. The truth I can't seem to handle is I need more god in my life than ever before.