A Dare

Today I was talking with a friend and we concluded all we wanted was someone that could loves us warts and all. We laughed and joked what if everyone just knew our warts from the get go. Who would be so bold so stupid to put themselves out there. I plan on hitting church Sunday and we are in the book of James so I decided to read ahead get ahead of the game. James 5:16 screamed out at me "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

So Geronimo
My wart is the fear that I am so damaged on such a deep level that my very existence is a affront to God. That he wants nothing to do with me and I disgust him. I cant grow deep commitments to others out of fear they will see me as I see myself and go running so I drive them away first. I have trouble thinking of any other solution than a final one for any problem. My answer to every problem is scorched earth, burn it all so the enemy has nothing. I was a jack ass and loss a really nice messenger bag this week because it was filled with stuff i never planned to use again so it got thrown away. I run whenever someone gets close and believe only  the lies of my enemies not any of my defenders. I lead with the chin to go out in the 1st rounds because I don't believe I can last till the 10th.

Who could love someone like that?

Only God, and that's why he is my wart remover. I know Ive been changed because I hate myself a little less today than I did yesterday. Hope is a weed that has sprung up and despite my best efforts is growing wild. And trust me when I said I have tried to kill it it is like the super dandelion of the soul. In a field of black thorn that little white ball of fluff mocks me. I rush down and napalm the area with discord and sin till nothing but ashes remain. Satisfied i turn around to head back to the Cave of Doom and damn it if two more dandy lions have sprouted. I will never make the cover of Bitter homes and sunken gardens with dandelion's in my briar patches!

So I dare you no I triple dog dare you whats your wart? Whats the thing you hope no one ever finds out about you? I know most wont out of fear. But I know at least one person will read this and pray for me and that make fear smaller knowing healing is incoming.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

 Theodore Roosenvelt

Joe told me early on he didn't know what it would take to get me to the other side but damn it sure did feel better than where i was now.

Bourban street

"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."
Zechariah 9:12 New International Version

I saw Rita slam New Orleans and spilt tears when Katrina broke the levees and drowned the city. When the waters receded the damage that we had seen was nothing compared. Third world conditions overnight in the most powerful country in the world. The property damage was nothing but nails and studs compared to the history that was washed away.

And next year despite all sensibility they held Mardi Gras. In this article the reporter asked "Why? Everyone would understand." And it would be true there still wasn't running water to portions of the city most of the major infrastructure repairs hadn't been started. Grisly as it sounds there were still bodies to be buried and ones that floated up that needed reburying. The guy replied "because because of all the unfortunate things that had befallen New Orleans the People needed to celebrate just still being alive." 

That really has stuck with me over the years. We talk in metaphors of bring up up our boxes of crap from the basements of our soul into God's light of truth. I don't think we say anything about those freaking roaches that fall out as we head upstairs. we toss the boxes to the curb to be hauled off but what about those left over roaches? Childhood sexual abuse brought up talked it to death don't think about it for months then one day the smell of some guys smell has be bursting out of my skin with cold sweats.Abandonment issues bring them up spread all that crap in the sun get it all out there and done with but flip the hell out when someone needs space.

This has been the second worse week of my life. And lord knows theres allot of front runners gunning for that title.Edison said " I never failed in making the light bulb I just found 10,000 ways how not first" Lord I am your prisoner of Hope your bondservent paid for in blood I feel Like New Orleans filthy broken stagnant but if you say we are going to have Mardi Gras then Ill grab some beads mix a pitcher of hurricane's, and dress up as a frog if you ask me to. What my heart has lost fulfill your promise is all I ask.

matt 18

   ²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[h] was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  Tomas and his life of accidental and well intended sin's 
   ²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. Jesus took my place on the cross and paid in blood my debt
   ²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.^[i] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. Peg, jason, Paul, Rebbecca, Wayne, hell most anyone I have been around lately really!
   ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
   ³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. Well not prison but sure as hell hardened my heart to them. Pulled away emotionally ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
 
ok  if nothing changes....
   ³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
   ³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

So if we know how the story goes lets change it. Zoe watches this PBS show Super Why about this group of kids that go into stories and its always the same format. They are stuck in their "sin" because thats is whats  written on the page. And its always just one word that turns it all around.

Tomas heart is full of anger to those around him.

What word would be best to replace Anger  with  Love, mercy, maybe forgivness. Any would work really. I know Im a sinner and have been forgiven by my father and have not shown the same to my brothers and sisters. Let me be free of myself and these temperal feelings. Lord let me love others and serve them as you have done so graciously to me. Abba assult my heart and break the iron chains binding it from loving freely. From this cell of my own making hear my plea and give me a spoon to dig a tunnel till i can find the key. Free me from myself. I deserve your wrath and by the blood of your Son you have spared me. I dont want to ask for anymore for you have given so much but I am in need of you more. I come to you as a scared child with my bowl of grace spilt on the floor again, I come knowing I dont deserve a second chance hell lets be honest 502cd helping. And yet you pull me close and ladle heaping spoonfuls down my throat till my physical stomach is bursting at its seems. Lord let me never know satisfaction curse me with endless hungery for more of you.