I try and make it a point to tell people that I'm insane right from the get go. If I plan on spending any amount of time with someone be it work, social, or whatever I want them to know what to expect. Its like when you add in new software that you cant go forward with out hitting accept on the terms and conditions. The terms and conditions is a lot fine print that defines the nature of the relationship between the company and you as the end user.
When I tell people honestly that I'm insane the most common response is me to. Which is completely true and I get it like one inmate to another in a mental asylum. So when I act insane I wish I could just remind them of the terms and conditions they signed way back when I act crazy.
There is the manic-depressive type, who is, perhaps, the least understood by his friends, and about whom a whole chapter could be written. AA Big Book p. XXX
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. -AA Big Book p. 58
50% of the time my brain chemistry is cool. 10% of the time my mind is winding up for a manic run. I'm ok just little agitated and excited than normal. 10% of the time my mind is unraveling towards depression. It's just a little more down and listless than normal. 15% I'm flying high as grand as a king. All life is glitter and sparkles the song of life is my a collection of my all time favorites. Then the song s start playing all over each other. The cacophony becomes so loud the sound becomes liquid that threatens to drown me. 15% of the time I'm Icarus who has flown to close to the sun melting the wax holding my feathers I painstakingly put together to make my escape and falls from the sky into the cold ocean waters. The song of life loses the station and distorts into garbled messages of untruth and static to a point where I just want to turn the radio off finally.
Now if my life was perfect I would be able to take a calendar out and plot out my cycle of insanity to plan my life out accordingly. Like a woman planning her vacation to the beach can look at a calendar and make sure she's going to be able to wear a bikini or move the vacation accordingly. Life isn't as easy because my cycle has no rhyme or reason. manic days can strike out of no where then the next day I cant go to work because I have no desire to move at all. Then I'm totally normal day after. The only way I can tell what I felt is by examining the wreckage of the previous day. I check my bank statement online and see that rent money was spent the day before on a spree for shiny stuff like a mad hatter. Or I realize I didn't go to work yesterday or even call in. The worst feeling is when I realize who isn't in my life anymore because I was just to much to handle or I cut out to isolate. In my family when you gut your Facebook list or any stupid thing emotionally, Its called pulling a Tomas.
Truth is if I could just stay in either a full on Manic or Depressive mode for a 100% instead of a combined 30% I would prefer it greatly! One or the other even a balanced mixed Id be cool with. Its like being trapped on a yoyo string the ends don't bother me its the damn middle where I realize how far off I am. I've been off and on medication since 2004 during my last forced vacation to a mental institution for mixed results. I' have been consistent with my current dosages and 50% might not seem all right but its the best I think I've ever been.
Now on top of that I am still just as normally jacked up dealing with my sin, immaturity, alcoholism, several concussions, migraines, laziness, allergies, family drama, etc. I totally get when people walk away from me. I'm a handful to deal with.
